As an upstanding citizen I feel it is my duty to inform the local constabulary of the fact that Mr. White has been given the full run of his house. His mother, father and pair of dogs have packed up and left Bath for a few weeks – residents of Southdown beware.
For those of you not in the know, Mr. White is well known for throwing parties where anything goes – assault, murder, fire, rape, terrorism, OK, maybe not rape, but all those other crimes have taken place at one point or another.
Over many years experience, I have learnt how can attend the festivities yet still avoid the inevitable horror show. This can be achieved by staying away from any drug abuse activity, limiting alcohol intake, hiding any knives/bayonets/weapons and avoiding climbing onto the roof or any other part of the building.
It is also essential to leave by 11.30pm. Like in the movie Aliens where the little girl advises Sigourney Weaver “They mostly come out at night… mostly”, well it is at this time, the witching hour that the trouble kicks off. Alcohol and illegal substances enter the bloodstream and all hell breaks loose. At that point I like to be in a taxi heading home, or better still back at the flat with the doors locked and the phone on silent.
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