I had to go to the dentist this afternoon for both a general check up and a visit to the hygienist. I tell you, meeting the hygienist is the worst thing you can have done at the dentist. Give me twenty fillings, rip out my wisdom tooth, neither come close to a visit to the hygienist.

I lay back in the chair, wearing a bib to prevent the blood, bone and cartilage from staining my shirt while the hygienist hacked away with her miniature pickaxe, tearing and shredding my gums to pieces. When she had finished I spat the contents of my mouth into the nearby sink. There was so much blood it was like something from out of a horror film.

After the hygienist I went into the next room to see the dentist. He took 2 minutes. I then went downstairs to pay. The bill came to over £50. £15.50 was the charge for the 2 minutes I had spent in the dentist’s chair. They get paid more than fucking footballers…

Let’s assume the dentists are open 24 hours a day and always have customers who require treatment. At £15.50 for 2 minutes works, that’s £465 an hour, £11,169 a day, £4,073,400 a year. I’m in the wrong job.

I caught the bus home, my mouth feeling like I had just been head butted by Zidane. Some old man in front of me lit up a cigarette. He obviously knew we were not living in the 1960s anymore and smoking on the bus was illegal, so he hid the fag under his seat.

Stupid fool failed to comprehend that when you light a cigarette it produces smoke which rises and fills the surrounding area. Well done to the young children at the back of the bus who started coughing very loudly and making the black lunged son of a bitch feel like a twat.

I felt a little sorry for him really. He had grey skin and nicotine stained fingers. He hadn’t been on the bus three minutes, but still couldn’t last that without lighting up a cancer stick to feed his habit.

Stay in school kids. Keep of the crack. Keep of the fags.