Yesterday evening was spent at Mr. White’s house. His parents have gone on holiday and left their treasured family home in his safe and capable hands. Bad idea.
I have mentioned numerous times in the past what happens when White is left in charge of his house. Parties are organised, hundreds of pissheads from Bath and the surrounding areas come round and all police annual leave is cancelled.
In the few hours I spent at the party, I had to defend myself from a drunk who wanted to steal my debit card in order to register for a hardcore pornography website and avoid having a bicycle lock secured to my neck.
Thankfully, my level headed friend Simon turned up, bringing along some of his most trusted and sensible allies to defend me. We then played some intensive rounds of GoldenEye and attempted to watch Match of the Day. I say attempted. It’s a little difficult to concentrate when all you can hear in the background is some awful punk rock ballad played repetitively on a nearby HiFi and the sounds of hardcore porn from upstairs.
Other distractions included a Hungarian girl using the word “cunt” in every sentence, something that was rather bizarre and slightly shocking, especially with the foreign accent.
You must be wondering how I survived the evening. Well, I don’t just watch Peep Show for entertainment, it’s an education. If Mark Corrigan has taught me nothing else, it’s that when you’re in a strange, disturbing place, you have to close your eyes and say to yourself “I’m Louis Theroux, I’m Louis Theroux”. Either that or line up a load of unopened beer cans and drink yourself to death.
Tonight I am very, very tired. The last two weeks at work have been especially busy, this coupled with the fact Dan came to stay last week, disturbing my sleep patterns even further, I have been left exhausted. After writing this blog and watching another episode of My Name is Earl on DVD, I will be going to sleep and do not know when I will wake up. Maybe Sunday.
After work this afternoon I went into town as I wanted to buy a new throw for the sofa. The existing rag I have at the moment is very dirty. It has a brownish-grey tint about it. I cannot remember its original colour, part of it looks like it could be yellow, although that may be further stains from Lucozade/lager/urine.
Since visiting town, I would like to echo Dan’s sentiments about slow old people. On the bus, walking the streets, visiting Marks & Spencer’s and BHS I got stuck behind various groups of elderly citizens.
Now, some people may stick up for these folk and say they are slow and losing their marbles a little. Bollocks. These people know exactly what they are doing. They purposely wander in my way and plod along at the most painful speed.
To make matters worse, the escalators in Marks and Spencer’s were broken and I was stuck behind an elderly couple attempting to abseil down the static metal stairs. In this situation, overtaking really is impossible.
I only went into M&S to take a piss, needless to say, their reason for visiting was probably for the same, but their bladders didn’t allow them the time to make it to the 3rd floor. Next time I think I will use the public toilets by Iceland which are normally littered with HIV laced needles and piles of human excrement. The only beings blocking my way there are crack whores and nobody cares if you push them to the ground.
Not much to blog about this week, but thought I would write something before the weekend.
Firstly, any fan of video games from the 1990’s should check out OCR Remix. This website features an extensive collection of video game soundtrack remixes, composed by some very clever, gaming obsessed musicians. The Kong in Concert (taken from Donkey Kong Country) and Hedgehog Heaven (featuring music from Sonic 2) are especially impressive.
Secondly, after much persuasion demands from Daninthemix and I, my good friend Mr. White has finally set up a blog. His is somewhat different from mine and Dan’s. The title of his site ‘Bolloxed In Bath’, along with his reputation for liking the odd tipple should give you some indication as to what most of the blogs are all about.
And finally, with apologies to those who have already seen this, here is a link to last weeks South Park episode ‘Make Love not Warcraft’. Over the last 8 years, I have seen every episode of South Park and have to say this is quite possible the best one of the lot. You could even say it is the best piece of television ever put together in the world… of Warcraft.
After recovering from anger brought upon us both by Donkey Kong Country, Dan and I headed into town for breakfast.
On the way into Bath, we visited the new Argos store as Dan was in desperate need of a new rucksack. His existing one had completely fallen to pieces and the contents of his life were spilling out all over the street. Dan had already chosen which bag he wanted by looking at the website before we left. Things did not go to plan though. When attempting to purchase the said rucksack, Dan learnt, much to his anger that they were sold out. The look of rage on Dan’s face, last seen when playing Donkey Kong returned.
And that’s when Dan went mad
Rucksackless we both continued into town and moved immediately towards a café by the Bath Abbey Square. We had not eaten all day and were both very, very hungry. Considering that the café was in such a prime location and charged such high prices, the food was absolutely terrible. As Dan took a bite into his burger, a waterfall of putrid grease fell onto his plate, befouling his already unappetising chips and side salad. The look of anger returned. My bacon sandwich was not much better, but we both decided not to complain. Every member of staff working at the café looked so depressed that had we showed any form of displeasure towards their cooking, they would have probably killed themselves, us or both.
The most expensive greasy spoon in Bath
I will not be coming back here. Ever
I wonder if the vandalism was caused by non-customers or pissed off diners
We desperately required some form of refreshment to wash down our fetid food so went to meet Simon for a coffee in Starbucks. We sat on the sofas, talking about life and drinking Mocha, fruit smoothies and Earl Gray tea like young, professional yuppie types.
There was also an ulterior motive to our visit. Dan had to dispose of his old, decrepit rucksack. The original plan was to throw it into the River Avon. It was also suggested we leave it on the platform at Bath Spa Station, but thought that was a very bad idea and would end up causing total chaos, a bomb disposal unit and station evacuation.
In the end Dan decided it would be best to leave the bag under a chair in Starbucks. If by a major coincidence a Starbucks employee is reading this blog and has found a rucksack under one of the seats, you do not need to keep it in lost property. Please dispose of it with your weekly rubbish.
Dan! You left your bag!
It was then time for Dan to go back home to London. We made our way to the station, stopping for a brief Slush Puppie, before waving Dan off as his train sped away towards the capital.
The rest of my afternoon was spent with Simon, browsing various clothes shops for a new bag of my own. When I finally found one I liked, we finished the day with a relaxing coffee and juice in a wine bar which used to be R.S.V.P.
A large crowd turned up to wish Dan goodbye.
Note the worried bald man and crying child. We were all very upset to see Dan leave.
As the train sped Dan out of our lives, everything became blurry
Since blogging earlier this morning, Hobart and I have been playing Donkey Kong Country on the SNES emulator. It’s a lot harder than I remembered it to be. When I was 13, I used to be able to run through all the levels in minutes without dying.
We have both spent the last half hour getting increasingly frustrated in our attempt to pass the Mine Cart Madness level, a stage which in the past was just a formality.
It’s probably all down to reaction time, very worrying really. In another 11 years time when I’m 35, I will have probably lost all bowel control, have false teeth and wear knitted cardigans.
Fuckola
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
