While flicking through the TV channels this evening, all of which were filled with low-rate Christmas specials, I briefly stopped to watch one of the many cooking shows that overrun our television screens throughout the year.

This particular cookery programme featured Gordon Ramsey. Ramsey is probably my favourite TV chef, or rather the only one I can tolerate. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is a pretentious cock. Jamie Oliver is a fish-lipped cockney cock; while all the other chefs, I have not bothered to watch for long enough to learn their name or what strange concoctions they are famous for cooking and serving up as food. However, they are probably all cocks.

Even old Gordon was crap tonight though. He was cooking with his kids and mother. You could tell he was getting frustrated when his son made a mistake and nearly ruined the entire meal, while later on in the episode Old Mother Ramsey hovered around her son, constantly telling him what he was doing wrong and how his cooking should be improved.

Not once did the chef famous for swearing let out a profanity. The show would have been a million times better, if after Gordon JNR had added too much egg to the meal, Ramsey had turned around and berated the infant with a tirade of abuse, brutal enough to result in a NSPCC investigation. I know its Christmas and the time for good will to all men, but I would have probably bought the Gordon Ramsey ‘Cooking with the Family’ DVD Boxset if he had stopped his mother mid-criticism, and told her to shut the fuck up and shoved the festive dessert they were preparing in her fat Scottish face.

Sadly, Gordon showed the patience of a saint. Either that or he bottled up all his anger and once the cameras had stopped running, threw Tiddles, the family cat, in the wheelie bin. Or rather given it to Hugh to stick in a River Cottage pie.