Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on May 8, 2019 at 9:00 pm in Spiders with No Comments


A few days ago, not long after returning home following the pug incident, I noticed a small woodlouse, crawling along our hallway floor. We often get woodlice in our new house – and no, we don’t live in a garden shed or under a stone.

The woodlouse popped straight into a small gap, under the skirting board. It was at that point, I started to worry about its well-being. I can honestly say, that this was the first time I have ever bothered with the health and safety of a woodlouse, but in this instance, I had good reason to be concerned, for the hideaway in which the creepy crawly had disappeared had previously been occupied by a huge spider.

Now if Sir David Attenborough has taught me anything, it’s that spiders are born small, they grow large, from eating bugs. Apart from the Latvian Leaf Spider, which lives off lettuce.

This woodlouse was not only committing suicide – disproving the theory that humans are the only living creature to purposely take their own life – but it was feeding my most feared of God’s creations… the arachnid.

Miraculously, the woodlouse appeared from under the skirting board. All of its legs appeared to be present and correct, there was no gaping fang wound in its back and it didn’t look at all scared. I am yet to see a woodlouse express any emotion, including fear, but if I was able to see how the woodlouse felt, I am sure he would be grinning from antennae to antennae, while singing “Zippity doo dah”.

Right… if Woody was so happy to go into the wall cavity of MY house, he can do me a favour. Woody can let me know if there really is a spider in there.

By capturing my trusty spy, I was able to attach a micro camera to his head. The camera was secured using super glue from Pound Land. This is totally humane, so you do not need to tweet Ricky Gervais, asking that he call me a c*** on social media. The glue is of such poor quality, that the camera will just fall off Woody’s noggin, painlessly, within 24 hours of it being attached.

Somebody get this brave woodlouse a George Cross

Camera on head, I sent Woody back into the depths of the wall, to see what MI5’s latest recruit and the camera could find.

Woody returned with this photo…

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