Posted by sean on July 22, 2019 at 7:52 pm in Movies, Ventures Outside Of Bath with No Comments

So, as planned, Claire and I went to the cinema to watch The Lion King.

The experience was a great advert for movie piracy. Not because the film was poor – far from it (more on that later). The problem was our fellow cinema-goers.

The issue with the other Lion King fans, was that they had an average age of about 3 years old. This predictably resulted in long queues of children, waiting to buy Pick N Mix – gram for gram, the most expensive consumable known to man. Seriously, I am sure crack cocaine carries a cheaper street value!

As well as the overpriced sweets, the kids also bought fizzy drinks, ice cream and popcorn. It would have been easier for all those involved, for a doctor to give each child a pill containing the addictives E534640, E134 and WTF209.

Swallowing the pill would have resulted in the devil-possessed bairns becoming equally as crazy as having consumed the sweets, but without causing endless queues for the rest of us.

Popping the ePill would be a bonus for the parents too, given how it wouldn’t cause their precious cherubs to vomit sugary additives all over the car upholstery on the journey home – something that cannot be guaranteed with the consumption of Ice Blast, Fizzy Fish and Crazy Frog ice cream.

It was all too stressful. I just wanted to relax and sit in a dark room for a couple of hours. Ironically, given how I was in a cinema complex, that is exactly where I was going. It was just a shame how I would be joined by dozens of Regan MacNeil clones.

Our final act before heading into the screen, was to pick up some snacks and drinks. We were not the only ones with the same idea. The queue was so long, that NASA were reporting to have spotted it from space.

Upon reaching the front of the queue, I ordered on behalf of Claire and me. A bit of a mistake. The cinema lobby, where we had been waiting was louder than a nightclub on a Saturday night (not that I would know). Plus, I was sat in the wheelchair (any excuse to park in the disabled bay), so a good couple of feet below the counter.

The man behind the till clearly couldn’t hear my shouts of “A KIT KAT AVALANCHE!”. The embarrassing thing about having to repeatedly repeat myself, was that I was convinced that everyone else in the lobby could hear me and were thinking to themselves “That man must really want his ice cream. I hope he hasn’t got a gun – he sounds crazy”

The frustrating thing was that the Avalanche wasn’t even for me – Claire wanted it. Even when my wife did intervene, the man claimed to have never heard of a Kit Kat Avalanche. This is despite huge advertising boards promoting the Kit Kat Avalanche and a large machine, located directed behind him – a machine used for making a Kit Kat Avalanche. Sigh.

I like to believe that there is a quote from Basil Fawlty, to deal with most situations in life. The world’s most useless ice cream vendor, could quite fairly be described in the same way as Mrs Richards – “Deaf, mad and blind”.

Fast forward a good half hour, to find Claire and me in our allocated seats. There is an advantage to taking the wheelchair to the cinema – nobody sat in the same area as the two of us.

We had fantastic seating, plus the Children of the Damned were all sat behind us. I don’t normally rave about how great a movie looks and sounds at the cinema, but I must commend Vue on their excessively loud speakers and fantastic surround sound – it totally blocked out any screams, shouts, farts and cries from behind us.

The film was due to start at 12noon. It started at 12.30pm. This is owing to the fact that we were forced to watch adverts we had all seen on television already, plus the usual selection of trailers for upcoming films.

Imagine if this happened at a train station. The 14:20 Virgin Cross Country pulls into the station. However, nobody can board it until they watch 40 minutes of adverts for Virgin Media, Virgin Wine, Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Girls and Virgin Records. Wouldn’t that just be absurd? It would also be a bloody miracle that the 14:20 actually arrived at 14:20!

There is, of course, a solution. Just turn up 30 minutes late for the movie. Although, you just know by doing that, it’ll be the one time that the film starts when it should have, and you arrive, only to find Simba sobbing over his dead father. You creep in past snotty five-year-olds, off their face on Tangfastics, while their mothers, tutt at your tardiness and how you’re ruining the film for everyone else. Oh, the hypocrisy!

At least some of the trailers looked like films I might actually want to pirate – and if the Internet Police happen to be reading my blog, that is what we call a “joke”.

Claire really wants to see Cats. I must admit, I thought it looked good too, despite it starring James Corden – he seems to be in absolutely everything these days. I rather like musicals. In 1997, while all my classmates were playing air guitar to Wonderwall, I was in my bedroom, dancing and singing to my Evita soundtrack. I still remember the lyrics today, but don’t ask me to jump around like Antonio Banderas.

When it wasn’t Evita, it would be Spice Girls or The Smurfs Go Pop… I know – sometimes even I ask myself how I ended up marrying a woman.

The film I liked the look of was Horrible Histories: Rotten Romans. It’s one of those movies featuring every British comedian you can think of – apart from Jim Davidson (I hope) – either as a major role or a tiny cameo.

Horrible Histories has the potential to be, well, shit. 15 years on, I am still yet to recover from the disappointment and trauma of Churchill: The Hollywood Years.

Now for the bit you’ve all been waiting for. The reason you have read and tolerated all this spiel. My movie review for The Lion King 2019…

There isn’t one.

I don’t do film reviews. In the past, I have found writing them incredibly boring. This blog is kind of a diary for me, with posts about things I’ve done. I never intended to make a movie website, although had I done so, would have closed down years ago. Plus, I don’t think I am that good at writing them.

It’s a bit like putting together a match report of a football game. I would joyfully write page upon page about a dog invading the pitch, but a serious in-depth article on player analysis, tactics and shit? I never pay attention to that stuff when it comes on the telly! You have to remember, as a Leeds and Bath City fan, tactics and shit are pointless to me.

Back to The Lion King. No review. I’m not even going to write much about it, as if I was to put something on this blog, chances are it’s been done a gazillion times before on another.

What’s that? You still want me to put something? Awww, you twisted my arm…

  • Why do all the animals of Africa celebrate the birth of Simba, despite knowing all too well that he will kill and eat them? It’s like users of Air B&B rejoicing at Rose West being released from prison and is renting out her box room.
  • Who is Nala’s daddy? In the wild, the male lion fathers all cubs, killing any that don’t belong to him. Just putting that one out there.
  • The film is set in Africa. Therefore, why do the majority of the cast have American or English accents? Imagine the meltdown from Daily Mail readers if the role of Simba was given to a talented child actor from Nigeria!
  • Thank you to whoever at Walt Disney Towers made the decision to axe this

Finally – a totally random coincidence. I have been off work unwell today. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on blogging from hospital again anytime soon.

Today’s absence did not require the use of a surgeon’s scaple. A day in bed and some spells on my throne – aka the lavatory – have been all that I required.

Why is this a coincidence? Well, after watching the original Lion King in 1994, I missed the next day of school with a stomach upset. Although, I think I know why I became poorly 25 years ago…

Posted by sean on July 19, 2019 at 11:58 pm in Weather with No Comments

After what has felt like four thousand days and nights of horrendous heat, I was delight to get rained on as I made my way home from work. I was ever happier, after reading the weekend weather forecast…

Such a shame this more humane weather doesn’t last and the hellish heat looks set to return with a vengeance!

Posted by sean on July 17, 2019 at 9:20 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

LEGAL: To avoid getting sued for this blog post, I must state that all opinions stated below are based solely on my experience. Any statements from other sources are clearly identified as quotes.

When Claire and I bought our home in 2017, I thought that we were moving into a nice neighbourhood. Our charming three-bedroom house, located away from the roadside is blissful. Our neighbours are lovely too (OK, with one exception), keeping themselves to themselves, but always friendly when we meet on the communal pretty cul-de-sac.

Why is it then, that upon arriving home from work, I found that some toad had posted a dog turd through my letterbox?

I think that I had better explain myself. When I mention a “dog turd”, I am referring to my unpleasant find in the metaphorical sense.

No disease-ridden animal faeces had come anywhere near our house – although to someone like me, who requires daily medication to stay alive, the discovery was just as dangerous.

I assume, after that build up, that you want to see the hazardous widget, which I was ‘gifted’…

I know what you’re thinking. A letter. A chain letter at that. All rather innocuous. It is, assuming you pick up the envelope and place it in your paper recycling bin, ensuring the refuse collectors take it away at the next opportunity (in my case, Friday).

The problems start when you open the envelope. If you are stupid enough to sign up for the service, then God help you…

I am talking about Pharmacy2U. They originally sucked me in with the reassuring NHS logo on the envelope – something which angers my GP, who once told me that the company is in no way affiliated with the National Health Service.

I was fooled by them a few years ago. After my mobility became increasingly poor, making visiting the chemist near-impossible, I felt that I had no option but to approach a pharmacy who could deliver my many daily medications to my front door. This is something Pharmacy2U promised.

They failed.

Lots of times.

I sent their customer service department emails on a number of occasions, over many months. I would have rang, but their telephone lines were so busy, it would have been easier for me to limp my way to their head office in Leeds and ask to see somebody face-to-face.

The reasons for my exasperated communications, primary revolved around missing or severely delayed medication. Despite receiving the presectiption from my GP surgery, I experienced frequently late deliveries.

Pharmacy2U did have an excuse – one of the many medications I had ordered was out of stock. Sigh.

So many questions – not least, how could a major pharmaceutical company get to the stage where they were out of stock in the first place?

Why did it take so many days to order new stock?

If 1 of my 8 items (for example) was unavailable, why couldn’t the other 7 be posted to me, while they wait for the tablets which have gone astray to return?

I informed Pharmacy2U that the delayed medication was crucial to my health and well-being. They didn’t care. I may as well have said that I required the drugs as I liked the colours on the small, shiny capsules.

I was told that if I required my medication so urgently, I should ask my GP for another prescription and collect the life-saving drugs myself – thus totally defeating the reason for using a mail order pharmacy in the first place!

Thankfully, I am no longer a customer of Pharmacy2U. It was a hard break up. Hard for them, I was over the bloody moon.

Despite me telling them it was over, they kept bombarding me with prescription reminders.

On hindsight, I should have played them that song by The Streets, about getting dumped by a girl…

Dry your eyes mate,
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,
but you’ve got to walk away now, its over…

Of course, my bad experience could be just that – my bad experience. All their other customers could be delighted with the service received. I may have been unlucky.

Then again, a simple search on Google for the offending pharmacy revealed this…

Is Pharmacy2U safe?

Pharmacy2U does not provide ‘safe, effective or well-led services’ in accordance with regulations, the Care Quality Commission (CQC) has found. In the report published on 29 June, inspectors listed several areas where the company must make improvements such as patient consent and emergency medical protocols.

29 Jun 2017

After today and the nappy in the bin (see earlier hyperlink), I hope that’s the end of dirty, unwanted gifts. Then again, they say things come in threes. Maybe I’ll get sent this…

Mein Kampf for the Instagram generation.

Posted by sean on July 16, 2019 at 7:28 am in Cricket with No Comments

What Therea May did to warrant lifting the Cricket World Cup, stumps me.

Posted by sean on July 15, 2019 at 11:24 pm in Movies with No Comments

Ahead of the release of The Lion King remake this week, a reminder that during the early 1990s, a Walt Disney animator was presumably tasked with drawing a “sexually attractive lion”.

… how the fudge did this manage to get away with a U certificate?

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