Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on August 6, 2019 at 10:00 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


It’s not very often that I buy football shirts, which is surprising considering just how much I like the sport.The problem is that they are so stupidly expensive, it has to be something special for me to dig my hand in my pocket.

Thinking about it, I haven’t bought a shirt since 2015, when the club released a sponsorless beauty. I loved that shirt.

It was so good, that I didn’t just buy one shirt, I bought four. Home and away shirts before the season started, followed by the same pair, yet again some 10 months later, reduced in a sale.

Guess how many of these players have not been sold.
I’ll give you a clue – the figure rhymes with “hero”.

Shamefully, I don’t think I have worn the latest two, which still have the tags attached and remain in the wardrobe, where I placed them in 2017, after moving into the new house. In my defence, by purchasing these shirts, I felt that I did not need to buy any more new ones in subsequent years, therefore saving me money.

This is Leeds United’s Centenary Season, which means that they have been in operation for 100 years. I have only supported the club since the turn of the millennium, but due to the stress they have caused me, it feels like I have been following them for every one of those one hundred years.

Considering the significant of this season, you would have thought that the club would have done something special. Maybe bring back a classic retro badge or shirt – other teams have done similar in the past, with great success.

So, did the Leeds United fashion department come up with a fitting tribute, for the world famous club?

*Ahem*
Look at this…

I’ll leave the above image to linger for a moment, like a particularly eggy fart in a lift.

If that badge looks familiar, you are clearly one of those of those people who wipes their bottom while stood up, meaning you get to have a good look into the toilet bowl to see the results of your hard work – admit it, you’ve done it!

Those who wipe sat down do not get to see a big pile of crap, as their efforts will be concealed by toilet paper.

These ‘sitters’ (myself included) will, however, get used to the sight of crap by the end of the football season, as I am sure the new badge will be unavoidable to all, but the most short-sighted of Leeds fans. Lucky speccies…

The design of the home shirt isn’t impressive either. Although, having that awful badge plastered on the front doesn’t help. Excrement is such an awful stain to get out of white.

Despite this latest installment in the Leeds United Comedy of Errors, the club have unintentionally created something pretty impressive.

Some of the greatest things were made by mistake – Corn Flakes, Coca Cola, Penicillin, and now the 2019/20 Leeds United Home Goalkeeper Shirt.

Nobody would normally remember the colour of their club’s home goalkeeper shirt, let alone buy one. However, this season’s offering is fantastic.

Gok Wan would burst with excitement.

As with most things in their history, Leeds can never get it quite right. Despite accidentally creating one of the best shirts in years, the damn things are as rare as rocking horse poo (sorry for so much turd talk).

The shirts are currently out of stock. Sold out. Presumably because the club underestimated the demand for the summer’s must-have fashion item.

After emailing the retail department, I was informed that they will not be getting any new stock until October! Presumably the kids in the sweatshop are taking a holiday, hence the long wait. Sean’s lawyer: There is no truth in this statement… Sweatshop employees don’t get holidays.

If I was a child, I would be as happy as Larry (not that I have ever heard of anyone under the age of 90 called Larry, let alone a minor). This is because there appears to be an abundance of child-sized shirts. Kids – they just don’t get fashion.

In case you were wondering, yes I have contemplated buying a shirt for a 13 year old boy – the largest child size available.

It could work… I’ve shrunk enough in recent years, due to scoliosis – plus as it’s for kids, I wouldn’t pay VAT. Up yours, Boris!

Despite having the height of a character from The Lord of the Rings, I don’t think I have the correct build to pull off (or even put on) a shirt, which would not seem out of place in Mothercare – or wherever the kids buy their attire these days.

Despite my jokes, this is all rather serious. I am going on a cruise soon. I believe that it is now a legal requirement for any football-loving Brit to identify themselves, by wearing his or her team’s colours while abroad. Presumably this is due to Brexit.

The final reason I specifically need the goalie shirt, is my other half. I am sure if she was asked, my devoted wife would call me a “keeper”. Awww…

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