Posted by sean on June 27, 2020 at 11:18 am in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


There are many professions where, despite the job being important, there is just one major duty involved. Get this bit right and you can fairly say that you have done well.

If you are a surgeon, you must know which leg is supposed to be amputated, or the correct kidney to remove.

As an undertaker, it is clearly crucial that you carry out the necessary work on the correct deceased individual. Placing the corpse of a renowned mass murderer in a coffin reserved for a ‘Beloved Dad, Brother, Husband’ probably wouldn’t go down too well – especially at an open-casket funeral.

Now a question for you all… what would be the most important aspect of a courier’s job? Ensuring that you don’t get chased by fierce dogs? Allocating enough time to drop into the post office for a cup of tea and natter with the delectable Mrs Goggins? Those both sound very important – especially the latter, considering Mrs Goggins’ husband, Fireman Sam, is away on a stag weekend.

Believe it or not, as a person in charge of delivering parcels, the most important job is also the most basic of tasks – getting the correct package to the correct recipient.

I am sure chimpanzees have been shown how to work out similar conundrums. Scientists have probably successfully taught pigs too. Even rats have demonstrated the ability to drive. Therefore, if anyone was to experience difficulties in delivering a letter or parcel to it’s intended address, it would be fair to say that they have a lower IQ than a rat.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from the courier firm, Hermes. If you have encountered this company before, you will probably know what they’re like. If you have not, let’s just say that they have a reputation. I’ll allow you to make your own mind up as to whether this reputation is good or bad – just search for them on Google and read through some of the results…

The email advised that a parcel had been delivered to my house. Good stuff. I was expecting a delivery. I did find it a bit strange, though. Claire and I had not left the house all morning, and had not heard anyone at the front door.

Based on past experience of Hermes, Claire checked our doorstep for parcels, as well as various other locations the delivery drivers like to hide things – under my wheelchair ramp, in the recycling bin, on the other side of the gate in the back garden. Nothing!

I tried to contact Hermes directly. The only obvious means of communication appeared to be to access their website and ‘chat’ to a robot named Holly. This was a total waste of time, as despite not being real, Holly was a rude cow, who needs to attend a customer relations course.

I politely asked if I could “speak to a human please”, to which she ignored me and just said that the parcel had been delivered. Aaarrrggghhh!!!

In the end, I emailed the retailer who sent me the parcel originally. Even though they hadn’t personally lost, stolen or eaten my package, it was their decision to use Hermes, so their mess to clean up. Put it this way, if I ran a hair salon and hired zombies to work for me (they would be dead cheap), I would expect to take the blame when my employees began eating the brains of my customers!

The retailer replied to my email pretty promptly. I was told that Hermes had delivered my parcel to the wrong address. Ha! I knew it! A lower IQ than rodents…

I am sure you are all wondering what it was I ordered, as well as the name of the retailer stupid enough to entrust Hermes to serve their customers.

Well, you need not worry. It’s unlikely that you will use the company yourself, seeing as it was Leeds United Football Club.

THIS FACE MASK IS WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT

If by coincidence, you are a Leeds fan like myself, you’ll be used to being let down by the club, time and time again.

It’s not really a surprise that Leeds use a courier as shoddy as Hermes. After all, they’ve been appointing terrible managers for years…

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