Posted by sean on July 7, 2020 at 7:44 am in Spiders with No Comments


Most of the stories I post on my blog are about me, which, unsurprisingly, is why the website is called Sean’s Stories.

In a change to the norm, today I’ll be telling a tale from my mum – mainly because it is as funny as it is horrific.

A few weeks ago, my mum woke up to a weird sensation inside her ear. Her slight worry turned to concern when she started to hear what can only be described as crawling. The reason why this is such an accurate description is because something was crawling inside her ear!

Her natural reaction was to poke around inside her ear and investigate. This gave her the sound and feeling of a bug being crushed to death within her skull. As with the sound of crawling, this was because she had just crushed a bug to death.

I believe the realisation into what had occurred, kicked in when she discovered tiny legs. It sounds like she reacted in a surprisingly calm manner. Many people would have smashed their head violently against a wall, or cut off the invaded ear like Vincent van Gogh. Perhaps old Vinnie found a creepy crawly in his lug!

My mother’s solution to extracting the remains of the late bug, was to flush it out of her ear using oil – there’s nothing like a dignified burial! Before you wonder if this is safe, she didn’t dash to the local car garage and pour Castrol into the side of her head. Nor did she ask the local chippy for any chip fat.

Apparently, the best way to deal with a severe ear blockage is to use a small amount of olive oil. Italians are said to swear by it. I bet they do! Something along the lines of “why the bloody hell did I just pour this stuff into my ear?”.

I don’t think it matters whether or not you have Extra Virgin, or just the normal stuff. It’s probably not a good idea to use Garlic-Infused olive oil, although it’ll ward off vampires – not to mention family, friends and colleagues – for months to come.

By the way, I feel that I must warn you all, as I am in no way medically trained, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME! I have waited over 16 years to write that on my blog!

The plan to flood my mum’s ear with oil worked brilliantly, although did result in a disturbing discovery. The bug that had taken up residence in her ear, turned out to be none other than my old nemesis, the spider!

Anyone who is of the belief that people inherit phobias from their parents can now finally have their stupid theory crushed like a bug…

I hate spiders. You only have to read the hundreds of blog posts on the matter to know that.

My dad, on the other hand, is very indifferent towards them. He wouldn’t sit in an armchair by the fireplace, spider on his lap, gently stroking it as if you would a cat. Neither would he hunt down and murder one in cold blood, simply for running across his living room floor.

Luckily for mum – given her recent encounter – she is even more relaxed around these eight-legged beasts. While you or I* would place any found in our house back outside, my mum is happy to live alongside them, as if they were tenants.

* When I say “I”, I mean Claire. You wouldn’t find me going anywhere near a spider. If my wife was out of the house and I encountered one, I would flee.

In fact ‘tenants’ would not be an unfair description, considering the size of the monsters she resides alongside. She lives in a rather old building, with lots of nooks and crannies – a perfect lair for creatures fit for a Tolkien novel.

Throughout September, she will frequently send me photos of spiders the size of dining plates which she has discovered in her home, as if trying to reciprocate my kindness for all the cute pictures of Roman.

Most people her age who want an animal companion, will get themselves a cat or a rescue dog. Not my mother. Arachnids rule.

Cuddly!

Is it fair to say that whole ear invasion was as a result of her hospitality towards anything with an exoskeleton? Possibly.

Was it fair to wind her up something rotten about her ordeal? Of course not. Although suggesting that eggs may have been laid within her ear canal, or webs spun to catch flies, was rather funny.

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