Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead. I have no good reason for the lack of blogs over the last week. It’s not like I didn’t have anything worth blogging about :o)

I could have mentioned the conker fight I had at work. I could have talked about the daddy long legs which have invaded my house and place of work and how when they get trapped in a room and die days later, their life was meaningless. Alas I didn’t, and those stories will never be revealed.

Today I went to watch Bath City play some “quality” non-league football. The weather was crap and by the time me and my friend Owen reached the ground, we were soaked.

The opposition was Merthyr Tydfil who had travelled to Bath for The FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round, no doubt the first of many steps in Bath’s journey to the final in May. I haven’t a clue who Merthyr Tydfil are or even how to pronounce their name. All I know is that they come from Wales and don’t have many fans. .

Behind me die hard City fans, mostly men in their 60’s, would yell profanities at the players and the linesman or “lino”. They would moan to each other about how shit their beloved team was playing and how they would “never again” come back. The thing is, they will be back next week and moan just as badly again.

The game finished 0-0. I am yet to see Bath score.

After today I’ll never slag off Leeds United again. I am also refusing to comment on Leeds’ 4-2 defeat at the hands of 10 man West Brom. Grrr.

Twerton Park. A top European ground

Bath City. A top European side

The Merthyr Tydfil faithful. The whole town came along.

What a difference a change of management makes. This time last week, Leeds were under old boss Kevin Blackwell and couldn’t score to save their lives, let alone get a result. A week later, Blackie has been sacked and Leeds play their best game since they were relegated, beating Birmingham City, a team joint top of The Championship.

Hopefully this is a sign of things to come and not just a honeymoon period that a lot of new managers experience. I don’t want to get carried away, but if Leeds play like that well every week, The Premier League will become a distinct possibility.

Massive, massive, massive c**ts! Sky, Orange and City Link, be prepared for a jolly good telling off!

Sky. Last week we signed up to their broadband service. It was installed a week late. Since then the service has been either dead or unbearably slow. I’ve been without a connection for the last 48 hours and have had to access the internet from borrowed access points, work and my mobile phone. We were promised that we would be called today with an explanation. There has been no call.

Orange. Signed up for a contract early July. Was told that I would have 3 months free access to Orange World (the mobile internet service). Get my September bill only to find that I’ve been charged for data. Orange helpline tell me that the offer was only for 2 months and if I have any further issues, I must take them up with the shop who gave me the contract – it was a fucking Orange shop! They basically told me to piss off. The Orange shop in Bath do not pick up the phone or respond to my answer phone messages.

City Link. Ordered some DVDRs off the internet two weeks ago, they’re still yet to turn up. Apparently City Link tried to deliver them last Tuesday and I was out. No card was posted through my door, so how the fuck would I know they had been? I was promised they would come this Wednesday and card me if I was out. It is now Thursday and I have no DVDRs and no card.

So, in summary, SKY, ORANGE and CITY LINK are shit and run by massive c**ts.

Kevin Blackwell’s reign of terror is over. The tactically inept blubbering fool has left Leeds United. The White’s can now begin their season, crawl out of the relegation zone and win promotion to The Premier League.

Despite the poor run of results, I would like to thank Blackwell for the previous two seasons, for helping to stabilise the club and for taking us to the Millennium Stadium. Just a shame it went wrong from then on.

The only thing to do now is find a new manager. Lots of names have been thrown about and I will be putting my name forward to manage the club. Based upon what Blackwell knew, I am sure that I am in with a chance of being appointed.

My past achievements include winning the league on Fifa Soccer 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 as well as leading England to World Cup Glory on Fifa Road to World Cup.

If I am unsuccessfully in my application, I will stick with my current occupation and hope that Alan Curbishley gets the Leeds job.

The majority of my time at work today was spent browsing the internet. Searching NewsNow, the BBC and Sky Sports websites for news on, what I believed to be, Kevin Blackwell’s imminent sacking.

As the hours dragged on and nothing was announced, I became more and more frustrated and depressed, thinking to myself “when will this sack of shit leave?” What more does Blackwell need to do to get booted out of Elland Road? Kill a fan? Perform “surprise sex” on Ken Bates’ anus?

I am now starting to worry for my mental health. Since this shit season begun last month, I have spent hours of the day and night going over in my head about Blackwell. I have written over 1,000 posts on the internet forum WACCOE, slagging him off. I have whinged to friends and colleagues about him.

I need to let it go. Sadly, as much as I would like to, I cannot see that happening until I see this on the BBC Sport website …

Leeds United manager Kevin Blackwell has left the club. More to follow…

Yesterday morning a Jiffy Bag, bearing the Play.com logo dropped through my letterbox. The package contained the highly rated Xbox 360 game, Saints Row.

I haven’t played the 360 for a few months now, mainly due to the fact that there have not been any decent games available. However, after seeing an advert on TV for Saints Row, I decided that I just had to own the game.

I was a little sceptical about this title. I am a big fan of the Grand Theft Auto series and there have been maybe titles over the years which have tried to copy the excellent game play, all have failed, until now.

While the game bears many similarities to GTA, it certainly feels different. For one thing, the handling of the vehicles is more realistic. The explosions are jaw dropping. Blowing up a car will see the vehicle throw into the air, spewing flames and debris everywhere. If you are to take up a role of an arsonist, you had better run for cover!

Saints Row should not however be looked upon as a “Killing Spree Sim” as there are some unrealistic aspects to the game. For example, mowing down pedestrians at speed will see them “comically” flung 30 feet down the road, falling like a rag doll in a heap of broken bones and limbs.

If any game in the shooting/racing genre was to give GTA a run for its money, it is Saints Row. I am sure that GTA4 (which is released in late 2007) will be bigger, better and make more use of the 360’s power. But in he meantime, Saint’s Row will certainly suffice and what with the online multiplayer option (which I am yet to try out), I can see myself playing this title for months to come. Maybe I should cancel my order for Fifa 07.

Below are some screenshots of the game.
Note: These are in game footage and not FMV,

I know this is a few days old, but I thought it was worth blogging anyway…

Radio 1 DJ and Leeds United fan Chris Moyles made some surprisingly interesting comments on clueless manager Kevin Blackwell during Thursday’s show.

For those interested, the clip is available for download here.

Today I went for an eye appointment at the opticians, or as I like to call them “The Eye Dentists”. Unlike regular dentists, these ones do not gauge at your mouth with sharp instruments and cause massive blood loss. They do however cause great distress and trauma.

Upon arrival to the opticians, you sit by the reception, waiting for your name to be called. When it finally is your turn, you are asked to enter a small cubicle and ordered onto an uncomfortable metal stool. The experience can be likened to that of death row. Taking that last walk before and sitting down in the electric chair.

Once seated, the eye dentist commands that you read letters from an illuminated board on the wall. If you fail to recite what is written correctly, they make notes on a pad of paper, probably about what a thick twat you are for not knowing your ABC. If you do read the letters as displayed, as punishment for being too cocky, the eye dentist will shine a torch into your pupils. The light from this torch will equal that of football stadium floodlights and burn away your retina.

After escaping from Specsavers and recovering from my temporary blindness I set off home. The time was 4.30pm, the worst possible time to get a bus, especially on a Friday. Office and shop workers dash home to their bottles of wine and beer, they cram onto the buses, which are already full of school children.

On the journey home the bus stopped by the park. A rather large lady climbed aboard. There were no seats left. Everybody looked at one another, all thinking the same thing “Is she pregnant or just a fat bitch? Should I give her my seat?” Somebody near the front offered the bloater a seat which she gratefully took. I still do not know whether she was pregnant or just fat, but as a rule, I would rather see a pregnant woman standing than a fat lady sitting down crying. I do actually think she probably was expecting a child… adopting.

I am still having major internet problems. Originally I blamed the Belkin bridge, and as you can see below, it nearly took a trip to the local sewers during some frustrating periods. After investigation however, I have learnt that the cause of the problem is probably the shit wireless router provided by Sky. They always say “you get what you pay for”. Well, we paid fuck all for this router, and at the moment, that is what we are getting.

“ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING WORK OR AM I GONNA HAVE TO DROWN YA?”

Currently, the south of Bath city centre is like a building site.
It’s like they’re digging up a mass grave.

The engineer has finally got around to trundling down to my local telephone exchange to switch me over from FirstNet to Sky Broadband.

I was promised 16mbps broadband, reliability and free sex (OK, maybe not that last one). What I now have is somewhat different and I am not impressed. At this moment in time I am unsure who my finger of blame shall be pointed at – Sky or Belkin, my network bridge manufacturers. At the moment I’ll stick to blaming Kevin Blackwell.

I have installed Sky’s snazzy new wireless router. Not a problem, they even provided a SSID and network key so I didn’t even have to bother configuring. It was literally a case of turn on and pick up the signal. The problems started when I tried to update my network bridge which provides wired internet for my PC and Xbox 360.

My bridge is now refusing to accept the new SSID and WEP code which I enter. I have tried changing static IP address, using a dynamic IP, resetting the bridge, using the web interface to configure, swearing at it, issuing threats to it’s family, hitting with a tree branch. It just will not work. I also refuse to ring the Belkin helpline. Their call centres are all based in India and I would get better advice asking Aunt Mable in the old people’s home.

If this is not sorted before too long, local residents may see a bridge flying through the sky after being thrown from a first floor window. I need internet access on my PC by Monday. The new season of Family Guy started last week and I fully intend to download the latest episode.

Oh, and when I do access my new connection on my laptop, it is very slow. 16mbps my arse. That matter can wait though…