Well, the BBC failed to meet my demands and send me my IMP login details. Because of this, Terry Wogan will be locked up in my basement and not released until January 2008 – that’s right Mr. Beeb, you’ll have to find someone else to do Aunties Christmas Bloomers.

I did however get access to iPlayer, using a rogue account given to me by my “dodgy friend” – you know the type, everyone has one – the mate who is always downloading & uploading illegal files over the net, takes the odd recreational drug, rides his bike on the pavement, and could probably get someone killed if you asked him very nicely. For animosity, I’ll refer to him as “Whitey” – or Jon for short.

Anyway, iPlayer is now installed and I am downloading last Thursday’s edition of Mock the Week. It is an extremely slow process. I had to check my computer to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently connected to the internet using my 56k modem.

For a company who forces all UK residents to pay them in excess of £100 a year, I would have thought the BBC would have come up with something at least half decent, and not this piece of crap which resembles a college student’s attempt of an illegal peer to peer application. Channel 4′s service, 4od is much better.

Now listen here BBC! If you don’t sort this out, I will have to take matters into my own hands again! I will kidnap another one of your “much loved” personalities. I did actually plan on taking Mike Reid hostage, but that kind of backfired on Sunday. If IMP is not working to my liking by Friday morning, I will kidnap JONATHAN ROSS – who’s going to present your Friday evening show now? MwaHaHaHaHa!

I went to watch Bath City play Yate this evening. I didn’t think I would be returning to the place where City won the title for quite some time – luckily it was in a friendly and not a league match.

City won the game 3-0, but the result was marred by an injury to goalkeeper, Paul Evans. He appeared to hurt his head/neck in a collision and had to be taken off, leaving everyone’s favourite striker, Phil Walsh to go in goal.

At halftime, Evo was taken to Frenchay Hospital in Bristol after vomiting in the changing room. I saw him before leaving for the hospital, and he didn’t look good at all – he was shaking and appeared very pale – mind you, he had just puked up his dinner all over the changing room floor and players’ bags.

I was later informed that he was suffering from concussion and the trip to hospital was simply a precaution. I hope makes a fast recovery and doesn’t have to endure a 7 hour wait in A&E alongside drunks, chefs with missing fingers, and children with buckets stuck on their heads.

I was also amused when the physio handed a fan a vomit-filled bucket, and asked him to place it in the medical room. Bath City midfielder, Mike Green noticed this and his face turned the colour of his namesake – he ran off muttering “I’m not getting involved in this”.

How weird is this? Rihanna’s stupid Um-ber-ella song is no longer at No.1 in the singles chart, and today the weather is really nice and sunny – it’s looking great for the rest of the week too. It is almost as if her 10 week reign coincided with the 10 weeks of torrential rain we’ve been experiencing. Spooky.

I was saddened to hear the news that Mike Reid, most famous for playing Frank Butcher in EastEnders, died today.

Mike Reid’s fluorescent toothed character was always my favourite East-ender, and the soap was never the same after he left – one of the reasons I stopped watching it. Anyone remember this?

R.I.P. Guvnor

Nope, I am not on about those annoying mutant imps found in Doom.

The imp I want is something totally different – an Integrated Media Player – otherwise known as the BBC iPlayer. This is a project the BBC have been working on for what seems like years (hang on, it has been!). Basically, it allows users to download BBC TV shows from the internet. For someone like me, who no longer has Sky+, it is a great invention.

After 3 years of testing and trials, the BETA (yes, you read that right) version was released on Friday. The BBC announced the news to everyone via TV, radio, internet and carrier pigeon. I signed up on Friday evening and was told that I would receive my login details shortly – they are yet to arrive.

It seems I am not the only person awaiting the almighty userID and password required to access the iPlayer. My friend, Mr. Watkins is also without access, as are various users of the Digital Spy forums. Annoyingly, another one of my friends has TWO accounts. One of which he gave to me. Due to complications though, I wasn’t able to use it.

So, this is a plea, no, a THREAT to the BBC…

GIVE ME MY IMP LOGIN DETAILS OR WOGAN GETS IT!!!

“Jimny Carr! What are you on about?” I hear you cry. No, I am not mad, and I haven’t been at the crack pipe. I am talking about Mr. Watkins’ new vehicle – a 2001 Suzuki Jimny.

When Watkins sent me the eBay link earlier in the week, I thought it looked more than a little impressive, and with only a few “Pimp My Ride” style modifications could be turned into a gangster car with blacked out windows and massive bass speakers. The experience of actually being driven was somewhat different.

It had a soft top roof, and by “soft top” I mean what looked like some soiled bed linen stretched across a hole in the top of the car. There was a scent of dog odour – this being down to the previous owner’s five pets. Instead of the massive Tim Westwood style stereo which I was expecting, there was an AM Radio – very snazzy. To add that extra bit of class, there were only two doors, requiring anyone wishing to gain access to the backseats, having to climb over the frontal area.

All in all, the car was better suited to The Dales rather than Dallas. Still, I take my hat off to Mr. Watkins. He bought it for a very reasonable price, mended a few faults, tidied it up and now hopes to be able to sell the car for more than double what he paid for it.

The new car was possibly the only blog-worthy topic of my Saturday. Watkins and Simon did come round to my flat last night, but that evening mainly comprised of re-watching the Top Gear episode as Simon hadn’t seen it, and going through some vintage Men Behaving Badly DVDs.

Did anyone see the Top Gear polar special this week? It was excellent!

In one of their more extreme and entertaining “experiments”, the lads made it their mission to travel to the North Pole. Jeremy Clarkson and James May made their journey in a super cool Arctic-modified Toyota Hilux, while Richard Hammond, not long out of hospital, after nearly having his head decapitated in a rocket-car accident, made the journey on skis and a dog-pulled sledge.

I won’t spoil it for you all by telling you everything that happened (it’s repeated tomorrow or can be downloaded from various torrent sites), but will say I was particularly amused by these moments…

• Clarkson and May drinking gin while driving – all good and legal in international waters
• Repairing a damaged wheel using lighter fluid and a blow torch
• Smashing their way through ice boulders and eventually destroying part of their only means of transport
• Nearly dying while driving on wafer thin ice
• Meeting a scary looking polar bear
• Hammond getting more than a little pissed off by a nagging woman and shitting dogs…
• Before nearly freezing to death in a tent
• And finding seal guts all over the snow

 
When I finally learn to drive, this will be my car

Today’s “impossible mission” was a lot more feasible than I had imagined. I left work at 4.30pm and walked to the cinema with Sam. We arrived in good time and the pre-booked tickets caused no problems. We even had time to visit Weatherspoons pub, which I am now calling Chav Central.

There were no queues for popcorn or to get into the cinema screen – although Sam and I did mistake a random gathering of people for a queue and ended up standing aimlessly in the lobby for five minutes waiting for the queue-that-never-was to diminish.

As for the film, I was impressed – well, I’m a massive Simpsons fan, so unless Matt Groening was to drop a massive clanger, it was always going to please me. It was great seeing my favourite characters on the big screen, “Spiderpig” was excellent and there were some very funny moments, along with a particularly strange/disturbing one involving Bart Simpson’s genitalia… put it this way, Gary Glitter would probably like it.

My only criticism of the movie is that it did come across a bit like an extended episode, kind of like the Family Guy movie. It would have been nice to see a brand new concept, a bit like the South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut – still the best TV-movie transition ever.

The film finished in good time, allowing me to make a leisurely stroll to Twerton Park. I arrived on time, did not have to spend money on a taxi, or run and cause myself unwanted respiratory problems and heart attack.

The game was OK – as well as can be expected for an unplanned pre-season friendly. Simon turned up at half time and blagged himself entry for a mere £3 – I suppose he missed both of Craig Davidge’s first half goals though. It was good meeting him and we had to restrain ourselves my mocking Gloucester fans and players with the chant of

YOUR FOOTBALL PITCH
IS A SWIMMING POOL
YOUR FOOTBALL PITCH IS A SWIMMING POOL
IT’S GOT SOME ALGAE AT THE BOTTOM
YOUR FOOTBALL PITCH IS A SWIMMING POOL

Seriously, my sympathies go out to the residents of Gloucester. It must be hell having no water, flooded houses and wading around in sewage – a bit like a typical day in Huddersfield. I hope tonight’s game at Bath City Football Club raised GCFC some much needed cash.

Well that’s it for tonight. No doubt I’ll be blogging more over the weekend.

I’ve got a task and a half tomorrow – trips to both the cinema and Twerton Park – in the same evening!

After work I’m going with Sam to watch The Simpsons movie. That starts at 5.30pm. Tickets have been booked and seats reserved – it cannot be changed – well it can, but I would lose quite a lot of money, and Sam would probably burn and stab me in a fit of rage.

I found out earlier in the week that Bath City will be playing Gloucester at Twerton on the same evening. City were scheduled to play in Gloucester that night (a game I was planning on missing), but the pitch is “slightly” waterlogged…

The game kicks off at 7.45pm. I expect to be out of the cinema at 7.30pm. Somehow I need to get from one side of town to the other in 15 minutes. I could either get a taxi, or save my money and run. I think I will go for the former. Running all that way in 15 minutes will probably leave me vomiting in the streets – or dead.

I am also left with one final problem – I wouldn’t have had time to have dinner. The cinema’s menu isn’t really what I would call wholesome food – popcorn, Ice Blast and Maltesers. Twerton Park probably won’t do much better, but I suppose burger and chips out of a polystyrene container just about constitutes as food.

The things I do for entertainment.

It’s hard to believe, but I have been living in my current flat for almost five months now. My rental agreement is up for renewal at the end of August, and because of this my letting agency are inspecting the property this Friday.

I spent sometime this afternoon tidying the place up – cleaning the blood and vomit from the carpet, filling in gaping holes in the wall, and hiding the crack pipes and needles which litter my floors.

It is now looking all ship-shape and Bristol fashion (although I prefer the term “Bath fashion” – Bath is so much nicer than Bristol). I hope my letting agency are impressed. They had bloody well better be – I have to pay them £50 PLUS V.A.T. for the privilege of extending my contract. Money grabbing bastards! I should hide a mad, rabid baboon inside the bathroom – that’ll give them a nice surprise when they inspect the shower!