There’s less than 15 minutes left until the football transfer window slams shut. I am getting slightly concerned – I am yet to receive the call from José Mourinho, offering me a £150,000 a week deal at
Today hasn’t been a good day for me all round. I was disappointed not to receive an
Two films I must see over the next fortnight.
Death Sentence – looks exciting and very violent!
and Run Fatboy Run – anything with Simon Pegg in is bound to be funny!
I spent the majority of this afternoon watching the entire first series of The IT Crowd. Up until today, I hadn’t seen it before, so thought I had better watch it to find out what all the fuss was about.
A very funny show, but working in IT Support myself, I found it a tad unrealistic. The idea that the standard response to customers is “Turn the machine off and on again” is a total myth! I only suggest that when I’m really stuck, need coffee/food/walk/shit, or don’t want to speak to the end user :o)
I am now back in Bath, following my short break. Most of the events at the campsite have already been mentioned, so I’ll just write a little bit about Alton Towers, photos can be found on the blog below.
A summary of the attractions I had time to ride:
The Monorail:
Not strictly a ride. The Monorail took us from the monstrous sized car park to the park. Even though it was able to hold a lot of people, there was still a massive queue – although this can be put down to the fact of 10,000,000 people trying to enter the same place at the same time.
Oblivion:
The one I had been warned about. I was told to empty my bowels prior to going on this one, or risk filling my pants with cream. I dismissed this as I only get scared of real threats, and my brain told me that this ride would be safe, however frighting it may appear. I enjoyed the ride and the feeling of falling at such speed is impressive. To think this is what people who jump off cliffs and buildings must feel moments before they splatter on the floor – it’s enough to put anyone off suicide.
Nemesis:
Another fast and scary one. This ride required you to be strapped in very tight. Having watched the roller-coaster bomb around the track while I was in the queue, I wasn’t going to object to the extra security. While the ride was amazing, it was very fast and all over too quickly.
Duel:
I didn’t like this one. It was basically a crap ghost train where you were encouraged to shoot the green dots on the wall and monsters with a laser pistol, similar to what you might use on the Sega Mastersystem.
Hex:
Definitely one for the grannies. Most of this attraction was spent watching a pre-ride presentation, supposedly a “true” horror story about a man getting cursed, branches falling off a tree and his family members dying. It reminded me of being on a boring school trip. The ride was a trick of the mind, rather than a thrill experience. You would sit on a church-like bench, which would rock slowly from side to side, while the ceiling would rotate, thus giving the impression that you were tipping upside down. My intelligence was not fooled. Rubbish.
Runaway Mine Train:
This may not be one of the biggies, but I enjoyed it. A fast, fun, old-skool style roller-coaster. One horizontal track which the train would twist and turn along at high speed. Good fun!
Congo River Rapids:
Watkins and I rode this one twice as it was so fun (and the queues were relatively short). You would sit on what was effectively a massive tyre, while taking a leisurely trip down fast moving rapids, water falls and rocks. Good fun if you don’t mind getting bashed about and a bit damp.
The Flume:
Another one we went on twice. This one too involved water and getting very, very wet! A raft takes you around a water propelled track, up and down flumes and past bastard ducks who spray water all over your already soaked clothes. Some poor sod in-front of us got absolutely drenched – it looked like he had fallen in!
Air:
My favourite ride. Like Nemesis, we were all strapped in very securely, before being turned 90 degrees so we were facing the floor. The roller-coaster then took us up a hill, before racing around the track, flipping us from side-to-side, upside down, high into the sky and within literally inches of the ground. Excellent stuff! Had it not been for the massive queues, I would have rode this one all day.
Skyride:
Gondolas which take you to and from various areas in the park. Pretty cool as it suspends you very high above the ground. You also get some fabulous views across the park, ground and surrounding countryside.
The Toilet:
Due to consuming a lot of Coca Cola (they were giving unlimited re-fills!), I had to use this attraction a lot. This ride featured some amazing mini-water flumes, mad hand dryers, insane taps (both hot & cold) and some crazy soap dispensers!
Some other observations from the day:
Scousers and brummies sound the same – whinging and extremely annoying. Alton Towers was full of them – all wearing Liverpool. Aston Villa and Newcastle United football shirts. To be honest, I think they were probably down on the rob, and not to enjoy the rides. While in the queue for Congo River Rapids, a bunch of them pushed their way in-front of us. I was tempted to say something, but I have seen enough episodes of Wife Swap to know that arguing with arrogant shits is just pointless. To make matters worse, every-time a boat went past, the herd of chavs would shout out “Excuse me! You have a puncture!”. This went on for about 20 minutes, and with boats going past every 10 seconds, you can imagine it got more than a little annoying. I was hoping and praying that their boat would sink – give them something to shout about.
The government and health officials keep going on about how children are all fat, and by the time they are 30, will be either dead, diabetic or 50 stone. Living in the south of England, we don’t get that many fatties, so thought the warnings were another case of media propaganda. Since going up north, I believe there is a fat children epidemic. Every other child was a pig; and I don’t mean a little bit chubby, I’m talking Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor fat! It looked as if they were carrying one of the tyres from the River Rapids ride around their waist!
And finally – like at motorway service stations, all food and drink is vastly overpriced. It’s not enough you pay £30 to get in, but you get stung again whenever you want to eat or drink.
Despite the odd minor moan I may have had, I did enjoy myself, and definitely want to go back; if only to go on everything I didn’t have time to yesterday, and to ride Air again!
Photos from the camping trip and visit to Alton Towers
AFTER MORE BEGGING AND SOME 4-LETTER WORDS, I EVENTUALLY GOT MY TENT UP
THE CAMPSITE TOILETS. SMELT OF TINKLE. WATCH OUT FOR SHAMPOO-STEALING PIKEYS.
MONDAY NIGHTS MEAL
BREAKFAST
ASCENT UP THE OBLIVION. I WAS STRONGLY ADVISED TO PUT MY CAMERA AWAY…
… AS A MAJOR DROP FOLLOWED
GETTING WET ON THE LOG FLUME
GETTING WETTER ON THE RAPIDS
THERE WAS A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. SOMEONE DIED AND THEIR BLOOD WENT EVERYWHERE
A VIEW FROM THE GONDOLA
ANOTHER VIEW – THIS TIME VERY HIGH UP
AIR. SCARY, BUT VERY GOOD
QUEUING TO GET ON AIR
THE MONORAIL ABOUT TO TAKE US HOME
Yes, I have been robbed. I feel so violated. I am still on holiday by the way – Watkins and I decided to stay an extra night. Alton Towers was good, and there will be a full report on it when I return tomorrow. Anyway, back to the incident…
I decided to use the campsite’s shower facilites, so took my towel, shampoo and conditioner up to the washing area. Before showering, I went to the toilet, leaving my stuff on the side. When I left the toilet, 30 seconds later, I found all my cleaning products had been stolen. There was a man in one of the other showers. Obviously the dirty pikey had helped himself to my shampoo and towel. Worse still, I found a fresh turd in the corner of one of the showers! Who does stuff like that? Animals!
After various experiences at Alton Towers today, nothing suprises me about The Midlands and the locals who reside there. More tomorrow…
I am blogging from my mobile phone, so am not even sure if this will work…
As I text this blog, I am lying on an airbed, wrapped in a sleeping bag, inside a tent, somewhere in the Midlands. I have been force fed two dodgy burgers from the BBQ and have also drank two bottles of Magners – I don’t know if I’ll make it through the night.
If I haven’t blogged again by Wednesday, send help, although I may already be dead.
My neighbours sound scary – one just yelled out “You just pooed on my face!”, followed by “I can feel it coming out, God bless Jesus!”
Why did I agree to this – I hate camping!
I am going on a little adventure tonight. After this afternoons Bath City game, I will be leaving Bath and driving up to Staffordshire with Mr. Watkins. While there, we will spend a night on a campsite, before visiting Alton Towers on Tuesday morning.
Mr. Watkins had a very hard job persuading me to agree to this. I am not a big fan of camping, especially campsites. I generally associate them with trailer-trash, and expect to find the likes of Eminem living there; writing rap tunes in between fighting with his alcoholic father and abusive mother. Still, it’s only one night, and I will hopefully have a good time (at least, I’m trying to convince myself of this!)
Tuesday should be interesting as I have also not been to Alton Towers before. I know this is rather sad and probably makes me the only person over 6 months old, and younger than 80 years not to have gone. Again, I have my own vision of the place… queues and queues of school children and fat families, hundreds upon hundreds of dodgy fast food outlets, and lots of rides surrounded by pools of regurgitated dodgy fast food.
Even though I sound like a miserable cunt, I am still looking forward to it. I will be bringing my camera, and unless it gets stolen by a carny at the campsite, or smashed into a million pieces on a roller-coaster, I’ll take and upload lots of photos.
Something bad happened last night. A terrible, terrible accident. I killed my laptop!
I was getting ready to watch Match of the Day, and thought I would open a bottle of beer which I had been given as a present. Before I had taken one sip, the glass somehow fell from the grip of my hand, spilling the contents all over the laptop keyboard. Despite my valiant efforts, I was unable to save my computer, and worse still, I had to watch it die in the most undignified manner. Upon reboot everything appeared fine, but when I started to use the keyboard it went berserk. A second reboot, and it started crying (well, beeping) at me. A sad day and tragic loss of life.
I would like to stress, that although it was my alcohol which killed the laptop, I had not consumed any, therefore the accident was performed in a totally sober state. My laptop took the full whack and died intoxicated; it’s components more pickled than George Best’s liver.
It’s kind of funny – this wasn’t the first time I spilt drink onto my laptop. In the past, coffee and coke have been spilt over it – even the other night, a generous portion of tagliatelle found its way onto the keyboard. Those fluids however had no negative effects, in fact they made the machine run faster – must be the high caffeine content.
All is not lost. My insurance company (the one with the dog which is “More than Lucky”) seem to be willing to help. First of all I need to see if it can be repaired; something I seriously doubt, mainly because the laptop seems to have doubled in weight, due to the beer swimming around inside it. If it can’t be fixed and a replacement is required, I need a “doctors note” from a PC supplier stating such. I did take the annoyingly smug approach of telling the operator “I do work with computers, you know…”. Pointless.
I made my second Bath City away trip of season today. This week, my travels took me to Maidenhead in Berkshire; although the extreme summer heat made it feel like Cairo in Egypt. I was struggling to keep cool in the shaded stands, and felt sorry for the players running around in the open sun.
City won the game 1-0, which pleased me immensely, especially as the result took them to 1st in the league. I for one will be hoping they don’t move from that spot all season! In an ideal world, The Conference South and Premier League current standings would be frozen; therefore promoting Bath City and relegating Manchester United.
Today was a very good day all round really. 3 points for The City, and equally importantly, another 3 for Leeds United, who also won again. I know it is very early days, but the thought of both my teams winning promotion this season did cross my mind for a mere second. :o)
