Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on August 13, 2019 at 6:33 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments

Isn’t it annoying when you are waiting on a delivery and it is late!

I know these things happen and that there can be many reasons for the hold up, including a delay with the sender getting your precious items into the magical post box.

In this instance, I am placing the blame solely upon my postman. I don’t know his name, but for the purpose of this blog, I will refer to him as Patrick, or Pat for short.

The reason I know Pat is the culprit, is because I am waiting on not one, not two, but three items! All in envelopes small enough to fit through the letterbox. All were due on Saturday. It is now Tuesday.

Not only did my three items fail to arrive, but we haven’t had any post, of any description, since Saturday, when Claire received a car tax bill – isn’t it convenient how those letters never go astray!

It is too much of a coincidence to believe that my three items, all from separate senders, became lost at the start of their journeys. No, they’re in my local sorting office – in Pat’s ever-growing “to do” pile.

I have therefore come to the conclusion that Pat is on holiday.

I appreciate everyone is entitled to a holiday – even childrens television characters from the 1980s. But why couldn’t cover be arranged during his absence? Whit’s Fireman Sam up to these days?

In case you were wondering, my missing post includes the following items…

  • A matchday programme from Leeds United for last Saturday’s match.
  • This football season’s first installment of The Squareball – a Leeds United fanzine.
  • A DVD from Cinema Paradiso – an online service, where you rent DVDs – like Blockbuster Video, but still in business.

So, while I wait to read a match preview of a game which Leeds have already played, Pat is no doubt on a beach somewhere, enjoying sun, sea and …

… I’ll let you finish that last paragraph. I didn’t want to, out of sheer taste and decency, owing to the fact that Mrs Goggins is Pat’s travelling companion!

Posted by sean on August 12, 2019 at 11:44 pm in Too Random To Categorise with No Comments

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined two of your favourite things?

Surely a recipe for disaster?

If you are Julie Andrews, for example, don’t let your whisker-faced pet kitten anywhere near the kitchen – especially when mummy is cooking…

“This schnitzel with noodles is delicious. What’s in it, dear?”
“Has anyone seen Tiddles?””

I wonder what my favourite duo would be? A comfortable pillow made from chocolate? Sounds nice, but think practically – the pillow would start to melt and my face would become sticky. Plus I am sure I would wake up one night, to find my wife nibbling on my pillow! That’s not a euphemism, by the way.

There’s only one other option. Leeds United and rabbits. Impossible, right? Wrong!

Posted by sean on August 11, 2019 at 11:15 pm in Football with No Comments

… although apparently the money is.

“Do you think it’s too late to ask for our old job back?”

Posted by sean on August 10, 2019 at 1:59 pm in Rabbits with 1 Comment

There was drama in the Kitson household yesterday. It started shortly before I was due to finish work for the week. Claire rang me in a state of panic…

After Claire explained what was wrong, I could totally see why she sounded so disturbed. Roman was very unwell.

I was told how, after coming out of the kitchen, Claire spotted our bunny frozen in fear. She instantly attempted to check his wellbeing and comfort the poor creature.

As you will see in the video below, Roman became totally stiff. Claire described him as a statue. You have probably heard the expression “frozen with fear” – I can now see where it originates from…

Uncomfortable to watch, isn’t it. Claire was right to be worried. It is not uncommon for rabbits to suffer a fatal heart attack if they get too scared. They can be fit and healthy one minute, and literally drop dead the next.

After much love (and the odd treat) from Claire – the Bunny Mummy – Roman did begin to calm down, but it took a long time. When I arrived home, he was cowering in his cardboard tunnel.

Claire and I chose to keep a close eye on him, but ultimately leave him alone to recover. We certainly weren’t going to disturb him if he was hiding.

Roman has always appeared to be most settled when both Claire and me are home. Perhaps it offers him comfort and security – or maybe he thinks he is twice as likely to get a treat!

By bedtime, Roman appeared great and although he continued to display a few nerves, he looked to have made a good recovery.

There was no obvious reason for Roman’s fright, although Claire wondered if she had accidentally made a noise with a clattering plate, while washing up. I doubt this personally, considering Roman lives indoors with us, so has surely become accustomed to household sounds.

This is not the first time in which Roman suffered a terrible fright. Almost exactly a year ago, he flew into a petrified panic, for no reason whatsoever.

Following the first instance, we came to the conclusion that he had suffered a terrifying nightmare. He certainly dreams, as we have witnessed his legs, paws, ears and mouth all twitching while enjoying a deep sleep.

Today, I am delighted to report that Roman is fully back to his old self. It is as if nothing happened. Claire has gone to London to watch Bath City play Welling, so I am on babysitting duties! Roman has been nothing but excited, loving and affectionate.

Nap time

He is now relaxing, watching Leeds United on TV. Roman is clearly not a fan, as no true supporter could possibly relax watching that team!


Posted by sean on August 6, 2019 at 10:00 pm in Leeds United with No Comments

It’s not very often that I buy football shirts, which is surprising considering just how much I like the sport.The problem is that they are so stupidly expensive, it has to be something special for me to dig my hand in my pocket.

Thinking about it, I haven’t bought a shirt since 2015, when the club released a sponsorless beauty. I loved that shirt.

It was so good, that I didn’t just buy one shirt, I bought four. Home and away shirts before the season started, followed by the same pair, yet again some 10 months later, reduced in a sale.

Guess how many of these players have not been sold.
I’ll give you a clue – the figure rhymes with “hero”.

Shamefully, I don’t think I have worn the latest two, which still have the tags attached and remain in the wardrobe, where I placed them in 2017, after moving into the new house. In my defence, by purchasing these shirts, I felt that I did not need to buy any more new ones in subsequent years, therefore saving me money.

This is Leeds United’s Centenary Season, which means that they have been in operation for 100 years. I have only supported the club since the turn of the millennium, but due to the stress they have caused me, it feels like I have been following them for every one of those one hundred years.

Considering the significant of this season, you would have thought that the club would have done something special. Maybe bring back a classic retro badge or shirt – other teams have done similar in the past, with great success.

So, did the Leeds United fashion department come up with a fitting tribute, for the world famous club?

Look at this…

I’ll leave the above image to linger for a moment, like a particularly eggy fart in a lift.

If that badge looks familiar, you are clearly one of those of those people who wipes their bottom while stood up, meaning you get to have a good look into the toilet bowl to see the results of your hard work – admit it, you’ve done it!

Those who wipe sat down do not get to see a big pile of crap, as their efforts will be concealed by toilet paper.

These ‘sitters’ (myself included) will, however, get used to the sight of crap by the end of the football season, as I am sure the new badge will be unavoidable to all, but the most short-sighted of Leeds fans. Lucky speccies…

The design of the home shirt isn’t impressive either. Although, having that awful badge plastered on the front doesn’t help. Excrement is such an awful stain to get out of white.

Despite this latest installment in the Leeds United Comedy of Errors, the club have unintentionally created something pretty impressive.

Some of the greatest things were made by mistake – Corn Flakes, Coca Cola, Penicillin, and now the 2019/20 Leeds United Home Goalkeeper Shirt.

Nobody would normally remember the colour of their club’s home goalkeeper shirt, let alone buy one. However, this season’s offering is fantastic.

Gok Wan would burst with excitement.

As with most things in their history, Leeds can never get it quite right. Despite accidentally creating one of the best shirts in years, the damn things are as rare as rocking horse poo (sorry for so much turd talk).

The shirts are currently out of stock. Sold out. Presumably because the club underestimated the demand for the summer’s must-have fashion item.

After emailing the retail department, I was informed that they will not be getting any new stock until October! Presumably the kids in the sweatshop are taking a holiday, hence the long wait. Sean’s lawyer: There is no truth in this statement… Sweatshop employees don’t get holidays.

If I was a child, I would be as happy as Larry (not that I have ever heard of anyone under the age of 90 called Larry, let alone a minor). This is because there appears to be an abundance of child-sized shirts. Kids – they just don’t get fashion.

In case you were wondering, yes I have contemplated buying a shirt for a 13 year old boy – the largest child size available.

It could work… I’ve shrunk enough in recent years, due to scoliosis – plus as it’s for kids, I wouldn’t pay VAT. Up yours, Boris!

Despite having the height of a character from The Lord of the Rings, I don’t think I have the correct build to pull off (or even put on) a shirt, which would not seem out of place in Mothercare – or wherever the kids buy their attire these days.

Despite my jokes, this is all rather serious. I am going on a cruise soon. I believe that it is now a legal requirement for any football-loving Brit to identify themselves, by wearing his or her team’s colours while abroad. Presumably this is due to Brexit.

The final reason I specifically need the goalie shirt, is my other half. I am sure if she was asked, my devoted wife would call me a “keeper”. Awww…

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