One of my pet fish died today – going the way of Dennis Wise (my ex-hamster) and Princess Diana. It was a sad day, especially as it was almost four years to the day that I bought the poor creature.

I am not sure why it suddenly stopped swimming and became a floater, but am pinning the blame on the white fish food block I left in the tank while I was on holiday last week.

The block of food promised “a hidden compartment containing a secret formula”. It appears this secret formula was almost certanly poison. Poison that killed my fish!

Luckily the other six fish appear healthy – obviously avoiding the same fate as their late friend.

I held a private burial which was later attended by the bin men. Nemo has now gone to a better place.

I was cleaning my fishes’ tank on Friday when I realised the water filter had broken. This afternoon, I went to Pets at Home to buy a new one. It turns out, it is cheaper to buy a new tank with a pump, gravel and plants than it is to buy a replacement pump by itself!

Therefore, my fish now have a new home. It may be a little smaller than the mansion they once had (it is now more of a bungalow), but it is nice and clean (for now).

My fish in their new home
Note: The goldfish, crab and starfish are just cartoons and not real

Yesterday afternoon (before I went to the park) I went to Garden Centre to buy some more fish. Two weeks ago I bought 3 Danios and was told to come back this weekend to get another 3. I also bought a motorised gravel cleaner as the manual one I have is a real bitch to get going, I normally end up with water and fish shit everywhere.

And then there were six

So, last night I had 6 happy fish swimming around the tank. I got up this morning to find that one of the new ones didn’t look very well. He had a long streak of yellow shit hanging out his arse and all the other fish were avoiding him, as opposed to trying to eat the turd like they normally do. He was also hanging around the waters surface and within an hour of me getting up he was dead.

I now have 5 fish. Some of my friends thought that getting a pet was a bad idea as I would kill them. I’ll say on this occasion it was not my fault. It died within 24 hours of arrival and in theory I could go and get a £1.50 refund.

Thou shall have a fishy on a little dishy…

A funeral did take place for the deceased creature who also received a proper buried – flushed down the toilet. Unlike the hamster, this time my pet didn’t get stuck in the U-bend.

Upon recent investigation of my new pets, I have learnt that fish really are quite disgusting animals. This gives me even more reason not to change from my current stance of avoiding eating their meat.

I am watching one of them now, swimming happily around the tank with an inch of fasces hanging from its rear. Now, as I am yet to install a lavatory and sewage system into the tank the fish are doing their business wherever, that I don’t have a problem with. What is really disgusting is that one of the other fish is chasing the shitting fish around the tank, trying to eat it’s poop. Surely that’s not normal?

Imagine if people did the same, it would be the end of society as we know it…