Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on February 12, 2019 at 11:24 pm in Football, Leeds United with No Comments

I have a noisy neighbour. No, not a residential one. The only person living next door to Claire and I, is an old dear, who keeps herself to herself and never makes a sound. She’s lovely and the ideal neighbour for two Millennials, who prefer an evening in front of the television with a takeaway, instead of attending a nightclub until 4 in the morning and vomiting in a taxi, on the journey home. I think she likes us too. When we first met, Claire and I were asked if we ever played music. Unless you count listening to Marching on Together (me), or The Greatest Showman soundtrack (Claire) – both using our mobile phones – no, we never play music.

The noisy neighbour concerning me, is of the football variety – Bristol City FC. ‘The Robins’ play in the same league as my team, Leeds United. While they are not  geographical neighbours of my Yorkshire-based club, they are located too close to comfort, when it comes to where I live! I know a number of their fans and the club seems to forever be on the local news.

The bad thing about Bristol City being on the local news? The same negative about my other team, Bath City, featuring in the local press and television… non-football fans, approaching me to discuss the sport, because they have seen it on HTV News at tea time, or read a match report in The Bath Chronicle.

These non-football fans normally always attempt to start a discussion with me, after hearing or reading news about Bath City – this is nornally negative news, involving a heavy defeat, cup exit, relegation, liquidation, or stadium being burnt to the ground!

I can deal with proper football supporters attempting to wind me up – I’m a Leeds fan and the last 15 years have been shit. There is nothing which can be said to me about Leeds, that I haven’t heard before.

When a colleague, friend or family member (quite often my Mum), asks me about Bath City’s latest humiliating defeat, it is one of the most annoying things ever! The person asking me to discuss a topic, such as my football team losing, is just trying to be nice, or start a friendly chat. I can hardly tell them to shut up – that would be very rude – or reply, saying their team is crap – they don’t support anyone.

I know that I am waffling here, so will try to get to the point…

Bristol City are doing very well. They have won 9 games in a row. How in the hell they have done this, I have no idea! If people could write whatever they like on the internet, without getting sued, I would suggest that the players should be  tested for drugs. However, as it is possible to be sued for libel, and Bristol City’s millionaire owner can probably afford a better lawyer than me, I must strongly stress that this was all a rubbish joke, for the purpose of my blog, and under no circumstances have ANY Bristol City players EVER taken any illegal or banned substances. The only druggy here is me, having scored some ‘Ket‘, the last time I was hanging around Southmead.

No, I have no idea why Bristol City are doing so well. My worry is that they will catch Leeds, who are currently 2nd. Some people may scoff at this fear – Bristol are in 5th place and 5 points behind Leeds – but back in November, the last time City lost a game (ironically to Leeds), they were 11 places and 11 points behind the ‘Mighty Whites’. Now do you see my worry?

Just look at this run of victories. It’s so good that it’s almost cheating! Why can’t Leeds do this? It’s not fair.

If the worst happens and The Robins do fly past Leeds, spraying bird shit all over them in the process, it will, without doubt, be all over the local rags and news…

All my Bristol City supporting friends will laugh – they would be within their rights to, and I can handle their ‘banter’ (sorry, I hate that word).

Those who will mention the subject, and as a result, really get to me, will be the innocent, oblivious ones – my great aunt Wendy, the office weirdo everyone tries to avoid at the photocopier and Luke, who I haven’t seen since infants school, but for some reason searched on Facebook and added me as a “friend” – something which, in any other instance, would be classed as stalking, but is accepted on social media.

For the record, I have no relative known as Wendy, there’s no single office weirdo (we’re all barmy), and I don’t use my Facebook account. If I did, I certainly wouldn’t add potential murderers like Luke.

I can predict what will be said. All deadly serious and with no intention to upset or anger me…

  • “Is this bad news for Leeds?”
  • “Does this mean Bristol City are better than Leeds?”
  • “How did this happen? I always thought Bristol City were rubbish”
  • “Why can’t you both win the league? You could share it.”
  • “When will Leeds get to play Bath City?”
  • “I know – you could start supporting Bristol City now”

Someone is guaranteed to mention that last one. All perfectly innocently. I will punch a wall when they do…
Note to self: ensure you punch any walls with your left hand.

Posted by sean on February 12, 2019 at 7:53 am in Football, Funny Things with No Comments

This football fan is clearly upset about his team conceding a penalty.

No doubt concerned that the spot-kick will be scored, resulting in his team going behind, the rotund fellow decides to take matters into his own hands, by showing the opposition his own behind…

Posted by sean on February 11, 2019 at 7:34 am in Football with No Comments

Who remembers this story, from almost 14 years ago? I even blogged about it.

Besides making me feel old, I also became suspicious…

Ever since the “ghost goal”, Chelsea have held a grudge and hated Liverpool.

What better way to get your revenge on the Scousers, than by beating Liverpool and damaging their best chance of winning the title, in nearly three decades.

It’s the perfect plan – except Chelsea are too rubbish to beat the mighty Liverpool. Therefore, do the next best thing. Wait until you play Liverpool’s fellow title challengers – Manchester City – and instead of trying to beat them, roll over like a litter of puppies and have your bellies tickled, by Sergio Aguero

Of course, this could all be a massive, false conspiracy theory. So if Chelsea are not big, smelly cheats, they must be big, smelly and crap. Which one is it, Chelsea? Cheats or crap?

Posted by sean on February 10, 2019 at 4:06 pm in Football with No Comments

Quite possibly the greatest tweet, from an official football club account, I have ever seen. Not that I am condoning the use of the word ‘spastic’…

Probably doesn’t wash his hands after going for a poo, either.

Just imagine if the official Manchester United account had tweeted something similar!

Clearly, Keynsham Town and Devizes hold a fierce rivalry, equal only to the hatred between Glasgow Celtic and Rangers.

Posted by sean on January 10, 2019 at 10:23 am in Football with No Comments

Modern football is rubbish.

Rubbish for lots of reasons. Far too many to list here.

One of the things which makes modern football rubbish, is those now infamous half-and-half scarves.

Real football fans don’t buy such crap. Why would you wear an item of clothing, bearing the name and logo of a rival club – albeit on only half of the scarf?

The scarves generally seem to be worn by football tourists, who generally don’t give a shoot about the team they claim to support.

Just imagine if these scarves existed during the 1940s. One half would depict the Union Jack and the crudely stitched face of Sir Winston Churchill. The other half, predictably, would be made from black, red and yellow wool (or a much cheaper alternative), with the mug of Adolf Hitler. Classy.

You know the one thing worse than a half and half scarf? A half and half house…

While I stand firmly by my prediction that Leeds United will bottle their season – despite currently sitting top of the league – there is the tiny chance that they may get promoted.

If this totally unlikely event was to take place, a situation would develop where my team, Leeds, would face Claire’s side, Liverpool.

Does this mean we would decorate our home in our teams’ colours, for the residents of Weston to admire and ridicule?


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