What’s worse than doing one big shop, while you are on annual leave? Answer: Doing two big shops while you are on annual leave. 

Yesterday, not content with spending close to £200 in Asda the previous week, Claire and I joined her parents in a trip to Chippenham.

Over the course of my lifetime, I have only ever been to the Wiltshire town on a small number of occasions…

1. To watch Chippenham Town Football Club. I will quote the Wealdstone Raider, when describing their ground – “what a shit hole”. Never again.
2. The former head office of my former employer was situated in Chippenham. I had to attend a corporate induction there. I didn’t know where I was going, had to catch buses and trains, tripped over a broken bit of pavement and fell over, all before enduring hours of corporate boredom. Never again.
3. Visit 3D Computers. A jewel in the turd that is Chippenham. This independent computer shop took a large proportion of my student loan, many moons ago. They provided an excellent service and built me some fabulous PCs. I don’t know if they still exist. If they have gone bust, I feel partly responsible, having not returned for 15 years.
4. Food shopping in Morrisons. I have been before yesterday. Currently my only reason to visit the town.

As a rule, I never go supermarket shopping at weekends. For similar reasons, I also don’t play hopscotch in the middle of the M25 motorway or climb into the lion enclosure at Bristol Zoo.

Despite being a Friday, the shop was still far too busy for my liking. It was as if people remembered it was Jesus Christ’s birthday later this month, so had to celebrate, by buying enough food to gorge themselves until they are sick. Interesting fact: The Romans did exactly this on a regular basis – although they didn’t have a Morrisons or Tesco. There wasn’t even a Lidle!

The problem with supermarkets being busy, is that shoppers can’t operate their trolleys properly. I pray that they don’t drive their cars like they do their shopping trolleys. I even suffered some road rage, when some bastard cut me up, while I was on my scooter. What a c***. Never let me buy a car.

To be fair, I was originally all for this big Christmas shop. Although as time dragged on, I not only lost patience, but the will to live. All I wanted was to be back home, on the sofa, playing Red Dead Redemption, and hunting for snakes on Guarma island.

We eventually got to the checkout, which is where I realised that I was trapped. Due to the huge volume of shoppers, I was unable to drive my scooter down the narrow gap, in between checkout counters. By this point, I had realised that Christmas shoppers had bugger all festive spirit and were not going to move out of the way for my scooter. I therefore squeezed past a barrier. Lesson of the day: If a barrier warns that it is alarned, it most definitely is.

The journey home was interesting. By “interesting”, I mean a fecking nightmare. Claire’s satnav kept trying to direct her the wrong way. When Claire ignored the crazy woman inside the gadget, she threw a hissy fit and stopped giving us directions at all. Why won’t the bitch just admit she was wrong?

We drove back through Bath city centre. Another nightmare. Those awful Christmas huts were still out and causing havoc. People flock from all over the country to see these bastard wooden huts. I am proud to say that, as a Bath resident for over 26 years, I haven’t visited them once.

Now for a load of fascinating photos from a supermarket…

Toys right by the store entrance to get kids to cause hell for their parents. Child to his poor mum “I don’t know what to choose “. Mum’s response “We’re not going to choose anything”

Has anyone eaten this and lived to tell the tale?

A great pre-death snack, for anyone considering eating the curry.

Did I try to drive my scooter through that small gap? Did it fit? Answers: Yes and only just.

An eye mask, some lippy and presecco? What a truly fabulous night in!

This “bread” looks better suited with the butcher from League of Gentlemen

A cake absolutely covered in e-numbers. Guaranteed to turn a kids birthday party into utter mayhem

Funny – I always remembered the chocolates being smaller

A fully stocked shelf of cheap cider. Clearly Bath’s student invasion hasn’t reached Chippenham

Which packet to buy?
Decisions decisions… Just buy one of each

It is my dream to visit an empty supermarket. Imagine the speed I could reach, tearing down the empty aisles on my scooter. 5mph is more than possible!

Did I play with the screen, scan my own mobile and generally see what I could make the machine do? Of course not.

Sadly I couldn’t ride the swing boat. I was all out of 20 pence pieces.

Elvis isn’t dead and he’s residing in the last place anyone would think to look… Wiltshire

It’s reassuring to see there’s always someone monitoring the CCTV station.

Great work placing the e exercise bike by the wheelchair.
Just to remind the disabled that they will never be able to use one.