Danny Drinkwater. Such an excellent name for a football player – especially considering he has been found guilty of drink driving.

Maybe before ordering his 8th Babycham of the evening, young Daniel should have remembered the advice given to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather – Dr Augustus Gulpmead…

The story goes, that in the year 1381, following the Black Death wiping out almost half the population, everyone who survived was given a new name. Where possible, this new identity would reflect the person it was to be gifted to.

Despite being a man of medicine, Dr Gulpmead was known as the town drunk, and was often seen sozzled on mead – a popular alcopop in the 14th century. His rather unusual surname was no coincidence!

It was decided that to save the doctor’s life, the good folk of London Town must first save his liver, by halting his mead habit.

It was for that reason, Dr Gulpmead became Dr Drinkwater. He married, had children, and never touched the booze again, blah blah blah… skip forward a dozen generations and we have Danny Drinkwater.

Unlike his ancestors, Danny is not teetotal. He also doesn’t need to worry about the Black Death – although, ironically, he works alongside a number of rats at his current employer, Chelsea Football Club.

Of course, for legal reasons, I must say that the whole Dr Gulpmead and Black Death stuff is just a fictional story. All of the above is made up and never happened… apart from the bit about Danny Drinkwater getting caught over the limit – sadly, he’s a pisshead who drives and crashes cars. See, it’s on the BBC. They never lie…

With all this in mind, here are some other surnames, that I propose certain footballer players change their identities to.

• Lionel Paytaxes
• Wayne Avoidgrannies
• El-Hadj Nospit
• Cristiano Dontdive
• Rio Passtest
• Luis Mouthshut
• Diego Justsayno
• Ryan Dontsleepwithyoursisterinlaw

This is a great idea. Firstly, it would aid the billionaire clubs, financially. This is because it would force parents to buy their darling kids another shirt, because Ruud van Salah has changed his name, meaning that the printing on their previous shirt is out-of-date and effectively worthless.

Secondly, it would help footballers remember what they shouldn’t be doing, just by recalling their own name! I am sure Joe Driveslower, Alex Nosteal and Robbie Dontshagpigs (all fictional examples, in case you were wondering) will all benefit.