This week has felt as if I am living next door to a building site. The new neighbours have certainly made their presence known. All day long, I have been subjected to crash, bangs and wallops.

If I was on holiday in a hotel, and not at home, I would be one of those poor sods on Watchdog, complaining that the excessive noise not only ruined their two week break, but their entire life, resulting in clinical depression and their left leg going septic.

What on earth could my neighbours be doing, spending all this time, making all that noise? Claire is under the impression that they’re having their bathroom renovated; although given the persistent din of hammers and drills, you would be forgiven for thinking that the Sistine Chapel was being recreated, in their semi-detached, two bed house.

I hope that my neighbours have planning permission to build this…

I am yet to decide what I should do about the noise problem. One option is to, of course, ignore the sound of the building work, safe in the knowledge that it should eventually cease, once Bob the Builder has finished whatever project he has been assigned.

The alternative to the mature, good natured approach, is to return the favour by making a racket myself. If I did chose to go down the revenge route, I would need a way of generating a similar level of noise myself.

How this noise can be achieved, is the million dollar question. Carrying out building work myself is not exactly original. Plus I would have to pay a craftsman to knock a wall down, or something equally destructive. I like our house, so wouldn’t be too happy about any walls being torn down.

Loud music is always an option. I believe that death metal is a particularly unpleasant genre. I am sure that there are various play lists on Spotify. You never know, there might even be a compilation CD – THE BEST DEATH METAL ALBUM IN THE WORLD… EVER.

As with the plan to seek revenge with building work of my own, the death metal idea is also flawed. I can’t recall ever listening to such music, but something tells me that I won’t like it and it’ll probably cause my ears to bleed. That is never good. I have enough health issues at the moment and don’t want to add to them with bleeding ears. Perhaps death metal isn’t the way forward.

My third and final plan to seek revenge, is to borrow a very large dog. I may not know a lot about dogs, but I know that if you lock one in a room for a long period of time, it will bark excessively. A dog barking throughout the day and night is bound to drive my new neighbours crazy!

Unsurprisingly, this third idea is even more problematic than the first two… I am rather scared of dogs, I don’t know anyone who could lend me one and most importantly, locking a dog in a room is rather cruel. Despite being a little frightened of them, I would never harm a dog.

Looks like I’ll have to be the bigger man – ironic, considering my height – and sit back, patiently waiting for the noise from next door to cease. Either that, or I’ll telephone the police.