A couple of items of correspondence, I recently received.

Firstly, a text message from Vodafone…

Hello. From 30 March 2020 the cost of your plan will increase by 2.5% Cheers. We’re in the middle of the biggest worldwide disaster since World War II, and you’re squeezing more money from us. – this is in line with the UK inflation rate Is it in line with people losing 50, 80 or even 100% of their income? (measured using the Retail Price Index, March 2020). For example, a plan costing £20 will go up by 50p a month. It would have been better had they explained it, like our maths teacher taught us in school… Jenny has 20 apples. She gives Billy 2.5% of her apples. How many apples does Danny have? This change reflects the terms and conditions in your agreement with us and will be added from your April bill. Which loosely translates to “if you were thinking of complaining, don’t fucking bother”. We never want to charge you more now THAT is the funniest thing I have read in a long time., but rest assured we’re investing £1 billion this year in our network to give you the best experience we can. One billion quid? For that amount of money, I would expect to be able to use my mobile phone to teleport to the moon.We want you to rely on us, to keep you connected wherever you are. To find out more head to www.vodafone.co.uk/rpi

I also received an email from Aviva, regarding life insurance. A tad morbid, but it’s going to happen to us all one day – hopefully not for a long, long time.

They want to help? I bet they fucking do. Insurance companies around the world must be absolutely shitting themselves at the moment.

Well, guys. As my dad taught me – do not bet what you can’t afford to lose.

I take absolutely no pleasure from this. While I have been known to enjoy hearing how Mr. Joe Public received a big pay day from his insurance company, after doing something stupid like accidentally dropping his iPad down the stairs, this is very different.

If you’re making an insurance claim regarding life insurance, well… I’ll leave you to work that one out.

The header “We’re doing all we can to be here when you need us“ also made me feel a little sick, for the reasons I’ve already mentioned.

Not nice.