Thinking of throwing a house party this Easter weekend? You’re an idiot for even giving notion to the idea.

If you’re an idiot who can read, well done! Here are 25 reasons why having a private party at home with NO guests, is much better than inviting everyone in your Facebook friends list…

1. No need to worry about preparing food and trying to remember who is a vegan, or which one of your friends claims to be allergic to ice.
2. Nobody will vomit on your living room carpet, after drinking five litres of super strength cider.
3. No idiot to explore your DVD collection and put the cases back in the wrong order – or worse, ask to borrow one (you know you’ll never see it again).
4. Playing alone, you’re guaranteed to win pass the parcel.
5. There’s always someone who will browse your Sky+ planner. You pray they don’t delete anything or spot that embarrassing made-for-TV movie you keep meaning to watch. Not if you don’t invite anyone!
6. No tail required for Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
7. No chance of your party being advertised on Facebook, leading to every pupil at the local sixth form college gate crashing your house.
8. No donkey required for Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
9. No social media addicts, trying to get every guest into one room in order to “take a selfie for my IG, innit!”
10. Not having to talk to that “friend” who knows bugger all about football, yet always asks how your team is doing, despite never remembering who it is you support. Truth is, your team is bottom of the league and shit. You would rather discuss your last prostate exam than football.
11. No pin required for Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
12. No chance of your pet goldfish getting killed.
13. Not having to talk to that “friend” who is obsessed with rugby, thinks you are too, and talks to you all evening about it. You hate rugby.
14. Not having to talk to that “friend” who, depending upon your profession, asks you for annoying advice, thinking YOU will be delighted to give it (for free) – “my computer is playing up”, “can you take a look at this mole on my groin?”, “my house smells of gas, should I worry?”
15. You won’t get any idiot taking over the LP/CD/MP3 player and forcing his awful taste in music upon your ears.
16. You won’t get any idiot turning off the music, so his mate you have never met can play his guitar (badly).
17. Any food you do prepare, will be for you and only you. No guests means no shared buffet. This means nobody going to the toilet, not washing their hands and then handling your nuts and crisps, with poo fingers
18. No girl to drink her entire weight in white wine, before spending the rest of the night constantly crying and asking you for emotional support.
19. No guests to sneak off to your bedroom and have sex in your bed.
20. There will be no debates on Brexit.
21. No fights between two moronic thugs, off their heads on vodka, Red Bull and class A drugs.
22. No need to buy and fill party bags – there’s always one who asks…
23. Your neighbours won’t end up hating you for having a Billy-No-Mates party.
24. The party is over when you say it’s over. You can go to sleep and not have to wait for some wanker to take the hint and feck off home.
25. You won’t contract or play a part in the transmission of a deadly virus, which could kill you or anyone you come into contact with. This is the most important point of all, although #16 comes a close second.