The recent hot weather has given me no choice but to dig out a desktop fan from the wardrobe. What other choice did I have in the heat, apart from ripping off my own skin?

As far as cooling me down, the fan does a reasonably good job. It does have one problem. It’s very loud. The noise from the motor as it spins the blades, is somewhere between a lawnmower and a pneumatic drill, on the decibel chart.

This is not ideal – especially considering the fan is located in the bedroom and primarily used during the night while we are trying to sleep.

To be honest, the noise doesn’t bother me. Despite being rather loud, the constant buzz becomes a form of ‘white noise’. I am more likely to have my sleep disturbed by loud talking, music or the television. Claire is different and despite also struggling with the heat, does not like the drone from the fan.

I have therefore invested in a rather posh and expensive floor-standing fan. I justified the purchase by using an Amazon gift card – a generous birthday present from my in-laws – as part-payment towards the cost.

When choosing a fan, I had three requirements…

It must be very quiet. I know that there are fans which claim to be silent, but that is impossible. The only silent fan is one which is turned off.

It is like a so-called ‘silent but violent’ fart. Granted, the sound of squeezing one of those out is nothing as earth-shattering as a ‘loud but proud’ guff, but I bet if you listened really carefully and got your ear close enough, you would hear something. Not that I can reccomend or claim to have tried this – if nothing else, your ear would smell of poo.

Returning to the original topic, before things become even more depraved… as much as the Victor Meldrew living inside my head wants me to buy one of these “silent” fans, just so I can prove to everyone that it does make a noise, I can’t be bothered. I therefore had to research the quietest fan. Any claiming to be silent were ignored.

It must have a remote control. I am sure there is a generation of adults fast approaching retirement, or have already packed in work, who got very excited when they bought their first television with a remote.

Apparently, there was once a time when you had to get your arse out of the armchair and walk to the TV if you wanted to change the volume. I’m also informed that televisions had no colour and only three channels – I think that is a myth… although joking aside, I do remember the fuss when Channel 5 was launched.

At some point last year, I experienced the elation those 60-somethings must have felt. I had bought myself a fan for downstairs. As well as keeping me cool and freezing my dear wife to the bone (NOT my intention), I was able to operate it by remote control! Very useful for the lazy gentleman, or someone like me who finds getting out of the sofa and walking to the fan, so tiresome that it would be quicker to turn around an oil tanker.

It was therefore very important that this new fan was able to be operated from a distance. This was especially necessary as the fan would be placed in the bedroom. It would be most inconvenient if I would have to get out of bed at 2.40am, simply to adjust the settings. I think that I would just allow myself to freeze to death or suffer terrible heatstroke, depending upon what fan speed I was too lethargic to change.

Easy to assemble. I have owned a vast number of fans over the years. Some are floorstanding, others of the desktop variety. All bar one had to be built in some manner. This normally involves securing the cage, which surrounds the fan blades, together.

Anyone who has had the misfortune of having to do this will know that building a fan cage is incredibly difficult – both physically and mentally. If Isambard Kingdom Brunel was still alive, he would struggle to put one together – and not just because he would have been a 214 year old man.

There have been times when I was tempted not to bother with the cage, and just leave three sharp blades spinning around. Admittedly, this could have resulted in me losing a few fingers or worse… considering the fan may have been left turned on, while I wandered around bedroom, having just had a shower!

Thankfully all my digits and bits remain attached to me, which means I was patient and persistent enough to build the stupid cages.

What I bought. In the end, I opted for the Honeywell HYF260E QuietSet Tower Fan. Most of that will mean as much to you as it still does to me. So here’s a photo of the thing…

Besides looking like one of those pompous modern towers, you’ll find near Westminster, it is a very good bit of kit.

As I always knew, it isn’t silent – nor does it claim to be. It is much kinder to the old ear drums than our old fan.

I also find that it distributes the fan waves (is that what they’re called?) a lot more evenly than the desktop variety – where depending on its position, you either get blasted with all the force the electrical cretin can muster up, or receive bugger all in the form of cool air. Perhaps the reason for the even distribution from my new fan is the fact it’s tall and slender, possibly containing different sets of blades.

Like with most electronic gadgets I buy, there was a problem! The fan required some degree of assembly. By that, I mean you needed a bloody degree in engineering to figure out how to put it together! This was most annoying, especially considering that I had carefully checked the fan’s page on Amazon to ensure that I would not have to also purchase a ouija board, in order to summon Issy Brunel back from the dead to help decipher the assembly instructions.

Somehow Claire and I managed to successfully put the fan together. This was before almost cocking the thing up so badly, I could see us having to snap the plastic base of the fan. I blame the instructions.

Thankfully the fan works brilliantly. Just as well, as I needed to cool down after the stress of constructing it!