I normally enjoy Fridays in the office. I feel that whatever happens across the eight or so hours that I spend at my desk, come 4.30pm, it is the weekend and I am out of there!

Each Friday, I wake up, telling myself that absolutely nothing can go wrong to ruin my day…

The computer system could allow a locum doctor to accidentally update every patient record, stating that they have myxomatosis. I’d fix the mistake, quickly and professionally *, with a friendly smile on my face.
* or ask somebody senior; ensuring that I take no offence when they reply “oh, for ***** sake!”

A secretary could accidentally and inadvertently expose a software security hole, unknown to everyone; before proceeding to unwittingly wipe the entire system and erase everything. I would just shrug and calmly accept that “these things happen”. Hakuna Matata *
* easy for me, really. I wouldn’t be the one expected to fix the mess.

The point of these examples is that whatever metaphorical excrement is thrown at me come the end of the week, I will be a lot less stressed by the situation, as the weekend is just around the corner.

However…

There was always going to be that word. Why else would I have taken the time to write this blog post?

The first of my two ordeals, or ‘Friday Frights’ (rather fitting with Halloween next week), involved an accident in the toilet – the location of most accidents! Thankfully, in my case, my “accident” was considerably less dirty than you are no doubt imagining.

A couple of months ago, one of my wireless earphones mysteriously vanished. The earphones are like Ant and Dec, in that one doesn’t work without the other. Seriously – it’s true. Due to keeping one ear free, in order to hear what’s going on in the office, I have only ever used one of the two ear buds (or whatever they’re called) at a time. Therefore, despite losing one of the buds (Ant), I was disappointed that the other bud (Dec) was useless and didn’t do a job alone.

Dec sans Ant

I therefore decided to invest in a new pair of earphones. They work better than the old set, have superior sound quality and come with a battery pack, so become recharged, without the need to be plugged into a power source. I still believe that one bud won’t run without the other, but cannot use the Ant and Dec analogy again, and am struggling to think of another. I’ll name them after former-Leeds United manager, Neil Warnock, and the goalkeeper, Paddy Kenny, who used to follow him to whatever club he would end up at. Neil can be the right ear Paddy the left.

Back to the toilet. I found myself in the work bathroom, answering a call of nature. While washing my hands, disaster struck! One of the buds fell out of my ear! It was Neil Warnock! My hand reached out in an attempt to try and catch the falling earphone, but only managed to help Warnock on his way towards the filthy floor – thankfully missing the toilet bowl!

Neil Warnock was on a floor of filth and dirt. I would normally find such a sentence hilarious; but as it does mly refer to the football manager, instead, a device that I place inside my ear, I was less than impressed with the mishap. To make things more annoying, Warnock shouldn’t have been in my ear anyway! I never wear earphones when going to the toilet, due to the risk of losing them, so I was understandably displeased.

I managed to rescue dirty Neil, using a handful of toilet paper, before returning to my desk, in order to get on with my work and have a think about how to sterilise Warnock of every disease and virus known to man, without infecting myself.

Bloody hell, Neil! You’re filthy.

I discovered to my relief, that the earphones I had purchased were waterproof. The product description boasts how you can wear them in the shower. Surely this means that I can give Warnock a much needed wash?

I placed Neil in a used water bottle, before adding soap and warm water. I then shook the bottle, before emptying its contents. I washed Warnock under a tap, before sticking him under a hand dryer.

It is probably fair to say that Neil Warnock is now cleaner than Paddy Kenny!

It was time to test my cleaning skills and to see if the product description on Amazon was lying. I started to listen to Warnock, by playing Spotify through my mobile. I could certainly hear the music, but Neil Warnock was really, really quiet – something which football fans will find very ironic, considering the ear bud’s namesake is anything but!

Back home, I undressed Neil Warnock, as I suspected that he, I mean “it”, was still wet from his (its) earlier wash. Stripping Warnock was easy. Putting the rubber covering back on was an almost impossible challenge – although I eventually achieved it.

The good news is that Neil Warnock is back to being as loud as ever. The ear bud is working again too!

Time has beaten me, and despite the clocks going back tonight, gifting us all an hour, I need to get to sleep asap.

Rest assured, I will return to write up the second Friday Fright – and this was a genuine scare!

I was emailed this picture by a work colleague today.

Is it possible for something to be as cute as it is heinous?

I found time during my busy working day to take some photos for a blog post I have been planning on writing – see, I’m always thinking about you.

Firstly, you know when people lose things and say that they have simply vanished into thin air? Well, that is exactly what happened to one of my bluetooth earphones I use at work.

The earphone was sat in front of me, out of its docking station and not in my ear (obviously). I rearranged/tidied my desk, as it was almost home time, and while I often find myself working at a pigsty, I don’t like leaving it untidy.

It’s like the old warning about always wearing clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus and need to attend hospital. I don’t want to leave my desk in a mess, in case I am unexpectedly off work the next day and the Queen drops into the office, or somebody of even greater importance, such as Leeds United manager, Marcelo Bielsa.

On the day the earphone disappeared, I wouldn’t say that I tidied excessively. I certainly didn’t throw much more than a crisp packet in the bin. It was after my tidy up, that I realised that my trusty listening device had gone.

I had a real good look for it, but could not find it anywhere. I would love to find it, as today I had to rely upon an inconvenient wired earphone. I know – first world problems!

Before the “MISSING” mugshots hit social media and milk cartons, here is a photo of the lost earphone’s brother. Believe it or not, they are twins and look identical.

My other Bill Bailey attempt was this…
As you may or may not have guessed, I meant to write David Bailey. However, as I only realised my mistake 3 days later, I’ve decided to own up and keep it online for all eternity. – Sean 01/09/19

I was kindly given this by a work colleague. While eating the chocolate, I felt as if it was smaller than I remembered. I therefore did my research…

Turns out I was kind of correct. I asked Google “how much did a Freddo Frog weigh?”

To which I received this detailed response…

When they were first launched they weighed17g, growing to 20g in 2007, before shrinking back to 18g four years later. The bar has now stayed at 25p, ever since Cadbury brought the price back down from 30p last year.

I must have eaten Freddo Frogs between 2007 and 2011, when they contained an entire TWO GRAMS more Cadbury’s chocolate!

Google’s answer did surprise me, in that the bar was originally 17g – lighter than it is today. However, when they were first launched, I was but a wee lad, so things appeared bigger back then, compared to how they do today.

Mystery solved.

I have also proven, yet again, that I can spin together a fairly lengthy blog post, from the most basic and mundane of topics. I’m not saying the post contains any quality, just lots of words, fullstops, squiggles and things.

I’ve mentioned problems with the office lift on here before. However, I do not believe that I have blogged about how slow it is.

The trouble begins before I have even got into the lift cubicle (elevator cab, for my American homies).

The doors to enter and exit the cubicles are made of glass and metal. They are very, very heavy. The gold vaults at Fort Knox can’t be much more cumbersome.

Getting out of the lift is the easy part. I am able to use the front of my scooter to ride into the door, forcing it open – like a battering ram.

Luckily, there is often a colleague loitering downstairs, or on the first floor by the toilets (perfectly innocently), who is kind enough to open the lift door for me.

Once securely inside, I must operate the lift by pressing the ground or 1st floor button. Pretty standard? Wrong. Did I mention that you need to keep your finger on the button for the entire ascent or descent?

Last and by no means least, the lift is also the slowest in the world. It would almost be quicker for me to crawl up and down the stairs.

As I am a saddo/weirdo/geek (delete as appropriate), I timed my lift journey from the ground to 1st floor…

33 seconds!

I wonder how I would cope if I worked in a larger building, which used the same lift…

The recently built One World Trade Centre, in New York, has 104 floors. In case you are not aware, the OWTC was built as a memorial for the World Trade Centre. The top floor of OWTC is a mechanical room, so let’s just say that I need to get to the One World Observatory, on the 102nd floor…

Time to ascend 102 floors = 3,366 seconds. Or 56 minutes and 6 seconds. By a creepy coincidence, 56 minutes is the length of time the original South Tower took to fall, after being hit by Flight 175, on September 11th 2001.

Thankfully my office only has one floor to climb.

What about somewhere closer to home? The Shard in London? I’ve stood at the foot of the building, but am yet to go inside. I like the idea of going to the top floor…

The Shard has 95 floors. Hopefully their lift is better than the one at work, as it would take over 52 minutes to reach the top.

Finally the tallest building in the world. The Burj Khalifa in Dubai. At 828 meters tall, it boasts 154 floors. That’s 85 minutes to climb the tower.

Going up and back down the Burj Khalifa would see you holding onto that floor button for almost 3 hours – resulting in a serious case of RSI. Your visa for Dubai will have probably run out too.

Despite this blog post, I am not really moaning about the lift at work. I wouldn’t be able to get to my desk without it, as I sadly haven’t learnt how to ride my mobility scooter up and down stairs.

I wouldn’t say that the lift is a lifesaver – it moves far too slowly to be of benefit in a matter of life or death – but it is certainly a job saver!