Ben has reminded me that the Mario Builder package for the Wii U is out this weekend. This is a game I am too excited about than I should be, considering I am a fully grown man. The game basically allows you to create your own Mario levels; playing them in traditional NES 8-bit style, with SNES ‘Super Mario World’ graphics, or in modern high resolution. My order has been placed with Amazon, and I’ll be hoping to see the game dropping no my doorstep on Saturday – or better still, Friday – morning.
I like chocolate and probably eat too much of it. Although let’s be fair, who doesn’t? I was offered some chocolate at work. Normally, I would gratefully receive and devour such an offering. However, in this case, I took a more cautious approach to consuming the ‘gift’. It was a Peppa Pig advent calendar. I seem to remember Julie bringing these into the office last Christmas, after buying them from Sainsbury’s for 15p. I left mine back then, as it didn’t taste very nice. For me to reject chocolate, it must have been bad! So not only was today’s chocolate offering of poor quality almost a year ago, it is now no doubt out of date. Despite having mid-afternoon munchies, I declined the offer. The advent calendar is now in the bin. I felt a little sad to do this to chocolate, but I didn’t really want to risk catching the bubonic plague.
With Autumn fast approaching, the nights are drawing in and the temperatures dropping. The spiders are also coming into our houses. To prevent this at home, I tend to leave our doors and windows closed, wherever possible. Ideally they would be sealed and air-tight, but I realised in doing this, that I would probably die. Ben is very prone to feel the heat, and would probably wear shorts and a t-shirt on a visit to the North Pole. As a result, he constantly has the office windows open. I raised my concerns this morning that this will attract all kinds of spiders into our office, with some huge beasts no doubt under our desks already. I was laughed at. This afternoon, we have noticed a new member of the team. Not a spider (luckily), but a cricket. He has been named Orelo – I have absolutely no idea why. I prefer to call him Batty. Batty… Bat… Cricket… Cricket bat? I give up…
It’s September. The time for children to go back to school, the shops to put up their Christmas decorations and spiders to enter our homes. Big, hairy, man-eating spiders. You may laugh at this description, but I think it is fair and accurate.
I visited my Mum’s last night for tea. We ate in the extension on the side of her house. I was cooked a very nice meal. What wasn’t very nice, was my Mum forgetting to inform me that a very large spider had been spotted in the extension the previous evening. Maybe it was a good thing that I wasn’t told. I certainly wouldn’t have eaten in the extension, had I known, and would have considered even visiting the house at all!
Last night, when I was safely home, my Mum posted a photo of the biggest spider I have ever seen, on Facebook. It was huge. If she had a pet cat, it would have made a delicious meal… for the spider! What’s worse, is it was my wife, Claire, who showed me the Facebook post – I was tucked up in bed – the place you never, ever, ever want to encounter a spider; so just seeing the beast on her phone screen freaked me out a bit.
I won’t post the photo on my blog, as I don’t want to see it every time I check my website – or subject it to any of my readers.
I thought spiders were only supposed to come into the house during the autumn. This one was found in the house inside a duvet. Horror.
This photo isn’t to scale. The spider was actually 50 times bigger than this.
Yesterday afternoon, Claire and I were doing some spring cleaning and had to take an old wooden chair into the garage. I left Claire in the house, as we were expecting an online shopping delivery, so took the chair to the garage myself.
The door on the garage is rubbish and far too loose. After unlocking it, I worry that I’ll push down on the door too hard, in an attempt to open it, resulting in the door flying upwards and knocking me out.
As a result, I cautiously lifted the door. That is when I saw it. Quite possibly the largest spider I have ever seen, outside of a Resident Evil video game. Had it been in the front room, I would have burnt the house down – granted, possibly a little extreme, but didn’t Sigourney Weaver say to kill the Alien with fire?
Luckily this spider was outside and our garage is a safe distance from the house. However, there was still no way I was going to fully open the door, let alone walk into the garage.
The spider wasn’t even scared! Aren’t they supposed to run away from you? This one casually walked around, as if to say “This is my garage, bitch. You wanna deal wit me?”
It was then I spotted his mates. Granted they were not quite as large as him, but they were still big, meaty beasts. Three spiders all sitting on the garage door, like a gang from a ghetto, waiting to kill anyone that would dare question them.
Earlier that day, we were watching Bear Grills on TV. ‘Bear’ was somewhere in the jungle, teaching a group of Z-List celebrities how to cook tarantulas. Apparently they are a good source of food (the spiders, not the celebrities); and by eating them would stop the Z-list celebrities becoming Dead-list celebrities. With no word of a lie, I could live in my garage for a week, and survive on its spider population. Of course, this would mean catching, cooking and eating the spiders. Quite frankly, I would rather eat the artificial Christmas tree, which is also in our garage, than dine out one of those monsters.
After she had finished dealing with the Tesco delivery driver, Claire came to help me. While she doesn’t share my level of dislike for the spiders, she isn’t fearless and was equally as horrified by the squatters in our garage as I was. She bravely plucked up the courage to run like Usain Bolt under the door with bags of brick-a-brack and reposition the chair. It was a military operation, and one which Claire should win a George Cross, in recognition of her bravery.
The chair and bags are now in the garage. This is good news. The bad news is that the spiders are also in the garage. They are probably breeding. Soon there will be thousands of them. When I return to the garage, I’m bringing a flamethrower.
We’re clearing the final parts of our office ahead of the IT building move this weekend. Boxes, furniture and piles of paperwork are being moved. I am very scared that we will disturb the mother of all arachnids – especially after we found one mummy’s babies yesterday…
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
