Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on March 22, 2019 at 11:45 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments


Today, I heard the news about this tragic death

A fascist spokesperson from the manufacturers said

Sweet tastes and trends change over the years and Tooty Frooties have become much less popular in the decades since their launch.

In 2019, people prefer the jelly and foamy sweets you find in Rowntree’s Randoms and that’s why we’ve decided to concentrate on new products under the Randoms brand.

What the actual fudge? You mean to tell me that you’re scrapping Tooty Frooties, in order to focus on Randoms? Which, by the way, as a sweets fan, I find pretty shit.

I hope that this is a clever marketing move, to bring TFs back in 6 months time, in the hope that people will buy them more. I refuse to stoop that low. If that happened, I would boycott the sweets. Who am I kidding? I’d buy them by the bucketload.

Clearly, upon hearing the news, opportunists, or as I like to call them “sweetie touts”, have started selling bags online, for extortionate prices.

You may think that this eBay listing is expensive. It was one of the cheap ones. Look how much the bags are selling for in America…

Posted by sean on March 18, 2019 at 11:56 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


Despite their success, I have said all season that Leeds won’t go up.

On Saturday, they lost to their nearest promotion rivals, Sheffield United (that’s right, folks – I’m still not over it). This comes just weeks after getting thrashed 4-1, by Norwich – the other of the three teams bidding to win promotion.

Today I learn that the club’s best defender, Pontus Jansson, is crocked and will therefore miss a number of crucial games. I wouldn’t go as far to say that Pontus will be receiving Disability Living Allowance, for the next few weeks, but things don’t sound great.

I am not superstitious. I think anyone who believes horoscopes, must have seriously low intelligence. I also don’t believe that magicians are able to contact and speak to the dead.

I do avoid walking under ladders – firstly, because these days, chances are I would be on my mobility scooter – meaning not only would I not be walking, but my wheels would most likely get jammed in between the ladder. Secondly, people who use ladders often store tins of paint, buckets of water or tool boxes, on the very top, meaning that by passing underneath, I run the risk of getting covered in paint, soaked with water, or killed, by a falling hammer.

I think it’s a good idea not to be superstitious in life. I have enough issues to cope with, so don’t want to add to my troubles by avoiding stepping on cracks in the pavement!

There is one area in life, where I am superstitious, and that’s when it comes to football.

One of the reasons I have stuck by my prediction that Leeds will cock it up, is because I generally believe that they will – I’ve had lots of heartache and let down, over the years supporting The Whites.

I am like an abused housewife, who keeps vowing to leave her violent bastard of a husband, but never does, as he keeps convincing her he’s changed. He can’t change and eventually the housewife discovers she’s in the early 1990s, her name is Mandy Jordache and she is in an episode of the Channel 4 soap, Brookside. Now, I’m not suggesting that I am about to murder a football club and bury it under the patio, but I’ll be tempted if Leeds screw this one up!

The other reason for my pessimism, is that I secretly hoped that by stating I think everything will fall apart for Leeds, they will prove me wrong and romp to The Premier League, by winning automatic promotion.

Now my prediction – which was as uncommon as much as it was controversial, amongst fellow Leeds supporters – appears to be coming true. My Psychic Sean* alter-ego is now worried that by trying to jinx them into success, I have accidentally cursed my own team.

Good name, don’t you think? As the word “Psychic” sounds like it should be spelt with the letter “S”, when coupled with my name, it’s almost alliteration.

Therefore, I want to say this…

THE BLADES (Sheffield United) ARE GOING UP!

 

WELL DONE TO THE CANARIES – Norwich City – WINNING THE LEAGUE & GETTING THE PUSSY!

That oughta do it…

Posted by sean on March 17, 2019 at 7:52 pm in Rabbits with No Comments


Roman has had a busy weekend…

Hide and seek!

Roman’s on a roll!

Hay! Stop, hay thief!

Catching a breather during play time.

Posted by sean on March 16, 2019 at 4:58 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


I told you that I had a feeling of dread about today.

Never, ever say that I am overly pessimistic.

Leeds don’t play for two weeks now. All I can do is watch Sean Bean – a massive Sheffield United fan – getting killed by Pierce Brosnan, over and over, for an entire fortnight.

Posted by sean on March 16, 2019 at 7:11 am in Leeds United with No Comments


I always thought that supporting a Leeds team who were good, would be wonderful. Why is it then, that this season – Leeds United’s most successful in over 15 years – has generally been a horrible, stressful and downright scary experience?

Losing 5-1 to Bolton and being 1-0 down to Blackburn after 16 seconds, a few years ago, was enraging. However, at times I do wonder if when I was left feeling dejected and resigned to failure, things were better than they are now, where Leeds are winning most weeks. It was certainly less frightening being shit!

This lunchtime, Leeds play Sheffield United. Leeds are 2nd in the league, Sheffield United are 3rd. The top 2 teams in the league get promoted. As promotion is the aim, finishing 1st or 2nd is essential. While today’s result certainly won’t determine the outcome of the season – there will still be another 8 games of terror, before that’s decided – whatever happens later will play a huge part in determining the final outcome. What do you mean, I’m overreacting?

I think most Leeds fans – myself included – know that this is a freakishly successful season and failure to win promotion will result in our club having its factory reset button pressed during the summer, leading to another 15 years of shite, losing 7-0 to rubbish like Barnsley.

The game has selfishly been selected for television – meaning that there will be no hiding place for me and I’ll be forced to endure it. I know what you’re thinking – “you don’t have to watch it”. I do. Claire will have it on. She’ll want to watch the game and I have a feeling she thinks my football fears are weird. She may have a point.

I suppose I could vandalise the Sky dish. Attach it with a rope to my mobility scooter and ride off. Or maybe just remove and hide the viewing card.

No, I’ll be brave. I will watch the game. Mercifully, the match kicks off a lot earlier than normal. No doubt to stop Leeds fans worldwide biting their fingernails and fingers to the bone, from sheer nerves. 12.30pm is still too late for me. What’s wrong with 4.45am?

I don’t expect anyone who is not a fan of Leeds to understand the pain that I will be going through, over the 2 hour period between 12.30 and 2.30pm. However, to put it into context, below are some of the symptoms of the disease, rabies.

These symptoms are not only endured by the poor victims of the killer virus, but will also be felt by any Leeds supporter following the game later…

  • a headache
  • feeling anxious or generally unwell
  • muscle spasms
  • difficulty swallowing and breathing
  • confusion or aggressive behaviour
  • seeing or hearing things
  • producing lots of saliva or frothing at the mouth

Pretty strong stuff. Before I finish this blog post, don’t think that I haven’t realised that you are probably reading this post-match, so will know the fulltime score and therefore, how I will have ended up…

SCENARIO 1 – LEEDS LOSS
Crying with clinical depression, over a vomit-filled sick bucket.

SCENARIO 2 – LEEDS WIN
Crying with unprecedented joy, over a vomit-filled sick bucket.

SCENARIO 3 – DRAW
Something in between #1 and #2.

Can I borrow that bucket?

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