Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on September 20, 2018 at 11:39 pm in Leeds United with No Comments

I believe that since the football season started last month, I have not blogged about Leeds or Bath City. There has been no conscious reason for this.

I will admit that where possible, I try to add a little humour to my blog posts. Heck, I even managed a few jokes when I was blogging about my stay in hospital, this summer, with an oxygen mask strapped to my face. I’m not saying all, or even any, of my attempts at humour are funny, mind.

The reason I feel that I have neglected my two favourite football teams from my blog, is because they are both doing rather well at the moment. It is a lot easier to poke fun at my clubs for being rubbish, than it is to crow about them winning things – plus this whole ‘supporting a quality team’ thing is a new concept for me, especially when it comes to Leeds!

If in June, you would have told me that 8 games into the season, Leeds would be playing unreal football, sit top of the league and be unbeaten, I’d have asked that you be sectioned and placed in a hospital bed next to me. Of course, that wouldn’t happen, but only because I wasn’t on a mental health ward!

At the end of last season, Leeds were terrible. While lying in my hospital bed, the only thing I had to look forward to, from the Yorkshire club, was a relegation battle with the likes of Hull, Millwall and Paulton Rovers.

For those of you who don’t know, Leeds change their mangers a lot. They’re notorious for it. At one point, I was waiting to be offered the job, simply by process of elimination – there are only 65 million people in the UK, so my turn would have eventually come round.

The latest sap to take the Leeds job is Marcelo Bielsa. I’ve only just learnt how to pronounce his name – a problem I didn’t have with some recent bosses at Leeds – Steve Evans, Neil Warnock and Dave Hockaday. Unfortunately, having a good old English name doesn’t necessarily make you a good manager, as Stevie, Neil and David found out!

Marcelo, or simply Mark, for the purpose of my blog, is apparently a world famous manager. Until this summer, I hadn’t heard of him. Mark was apparently the manager of Argentina, when they lost to England in the 2002 World Cup. I hardly think losing to England is something to be proud of – especially when the only goal in the match was a David Beckham penalty.

Mark has been doing well at Leeds. Very well. The Mighty Whites currently sit top of the table and are the only team in the league not to have lost a game… although by the time you read this, Leeds will have tasted defeat… and been relegated… and been relocated to Gravesend… and gone bust… and reformed under the name of The Leeds Globetrotters*.

*Trademark Sean Kitson 2018.

On a totally different topic – but one relevant to this post, for a reason which will become clear later – I am due a haircut. I haven’t had my mullet chopped since mid-May. I know this, because it was the day before I started my spell of sick leave. Claire is desperate for me to get a haircut. If I was to bleach it, I would look like the love child of Donald Trump and Boris Johnson. My concern about losing my locks is that they may hold some special power over the Leeds United players. What if their recent success has nothing to do with Marcelo Bielsa – sorry, Mark – at all? What if my hair is somehow doing all the work. How can a terrible haircut hold such supernatural power? I don’t know, but it would certainly explain how Trump became President. I finally gave into Claire’s demands and booked a haircut for tomorrow. If Leeds lose on Saturday, we all know who to blame!

Finally, one good thing about Leeds doing well is that they are on TV a lot more. Yeah, yeah – I know. In the past, I openly criticised fans who follow their team through a television screen. I also actively supported the “Terraces Not Armchairs” motto, excellently depicted on a fan’s Bath City flag. However, I use a mobility scooter and live over 200 miles away from Elland Road. Do you know how long it would take on my scooter to a home game? Over 50 hours – and that’s without charging the thing!

Leeds’ latest match – a 3-0 win over Preston – was on the box this Tuesday. As it was not the main game of the night, Sky only deployed one commentator to Elland Road. It wasn’t a commentator I had heard of, or even remember. My guess is that the boss of Sky Sports gave this unpopular job to a lad on work experience or just sent Tim from accounts, as punishment for stealing milk from the communal fridge.

As well as one commentator, Sky only sent one cameraman. One cameraman, with one camera. In fact, I think Tim from accounts was filming the game, while also doing the commentary. In these modern times, there are normally thousands of cameras used for televised games. There is so much technology on the pitchside, that, should you desire, you could see right up Wayne Rooney’s nostrils, from a choice of twelve different angles. There was none of this at Leeds. So bad was the video quality, that it looked as if it was being filmed on a mobile phone – probably a Nokia 3210…

Posted by sean on September 17, 2018 at 9:56 pm in Spiders with No Comments

They say that there are some disturbing things on the internet – men messing with dogs, extreme violence, Katie Hopkins… the list goes on. So far, I have managed to avoid these horrors from the Dark Web – until today, when I witnessed a truly horrifying video on Twitter.

After viewing the upsetting material, I did what any sensible adult would do. I uploaded it to YouTube, so it would gain an even larger audience.

For added effect, I added the Jaws theme to the video, which I have embedded below…

Posted by sean on September 16, 2018 at 10:05 pm in Rabbits with No Comments

Roman can be a bad bunny, as I have blogged many a time. We have tried lots of ways to discipline him – all humanely, of course. This afternoon, we found a trick which might just work…

When in his run, Roman loves to bite his toys. Most of these are made from wood or cardboard, so not a problem. He also has a long tunnel, made from plastic.

Roman loves his tunnel. He will run through it at great speed, over and over again, before skipping in the air with delight. The problem is, he also nibbles this tunnel. The issue is not the damage caused – we would happily buy Roman a new one. We are concerned that by biting his toy, he could injest plastic; potentially making him very ill, or worse.

Speaking to him sternly, or clapping, sometimes stops this destruction, but not always. We therefore decided to exploit Roman’s weakness – the front door.

Since bringing Roman home in April, he has grown in character and confidence. The bunny who would once cower in his bed, whenever a stranger entered the room, now runs towards the side of his cage or run, whenever he hears somebody entering the house. He’s basically a dog.

One of the triggers, which sets of this bunny greeting, is our front doorbell. We had a look on YouTube and found this – a chime, which is almost identical to our own doorbell!

We tested our trick. While Roman was happily munching on plastic, we played the video. He immediately stopped. He knew something wasn’t right. For added effect, I shouted “Come in”, to our imaginary guest. Roman walked away from the plastic tube and hopped towards the end of his run, closest to the entrace to our living room. Of course, nobody entered. He must have been left confused and disappointed. We don’t like teasing our rabbit, but at least he doesn’t have a belly full of nasty plastic!

Posted by sean on September 14, 2018 at 10:49 pm in Funny Things with No Comments

Posted by sean on September 13, 2018 at 10:35 pm in Spiders with No Comments

So, because of yesterday’s scary spider discovery, I took drastic action. Before bed, I sprayed bug killer in the area that the dead body and legs were found. This was more of a preventative method, than anything else – a deterrent for any other spider, thinking of moving in.

I know some of you will still find this hypocritical, after my recent veggie revelation, but I was spraying a can of Raid – it wasn’t like I had shot Cecil the Lion’s mother.

Upon coming downstairs this morning, I saw this in exactly the same place as the previous day’s carcass…

After much shouting, screaming, and me trying to escape upstairs, leaving Claire to face the horror alone; my brave wife got out her trusty Dyson again, and sucked up the dead arachnid. That Dyson is fast becoming as useful as those guns used to capture ghosts on Ghostbusters.

Just look how it contained the beast (and tore its legs off).

The whole ordeal left Claire and I shaken. We then discovered that Roman was equally as scared – my girly shrieks must have startled him. Either that, or he suffers from arachnophobia too!

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