Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on August 24, 2019 at 4:40 pm in Internet with No Comments


Can you identify what animal is enjoying a relaxing stroke in the video below?

Social media is divided as to whether it is a crown or a rabbit.

When I first watched the clip, I thought it was a no-brainer. It’s a crow. I’ve never seen a crow up close, but I’ve held and stroked plenty of bunnies in my lifetime and they certainly don’t look like that!

Being so adamant about the whole crow/rabbit thing, I was a little worried if the creature transpired to be a bunny. Not because I have a problem with being wrong, but because of the awful circumstances, which would have led to a rabbit resembling a large black-feathered bird. Probably plenty of inbreeding, while living on the site of the Chernobyl disaster.

It just goes to show that Roman receives such levels of love and attention that I can easily pick out what is not a rabbit in one of those stupid internet trends.*

an internet trend so stupid that I spent part of my Saturday afternoon blogging about it…

Posted by sean on August 24, 2019 at 12:46 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS EXTREMELY STRONG PORNOGRAPHY. READERS WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED ARE ADVISED TO LEAVE THIS WEBSITE BY CLICKING HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

This is EastEnders legend Frank Butcher (don’t worry, the porn in no way involves him!). Frank was played by Mike Read. Sadly, both Frank and Mike are no longer with us.

I haven’t watched EastEnders for over 15 years, but I do remember Frank for running a used car garage, where he would sell dodgy motors to unsuspecting old women and gangland mobsters. He was a typical cockney geezer.

Why am I writing about Frank? Well, in the same way that he would con Ethel out of her pension, she had put aside to spend on Willy, (her dog, you sick-minded so and so), I too have fallen victim to a wheeler dealer…

There are, in fact, two cowboys who have targeted me. Unlike Mr Butcher, these dodgy salesmen don’t operate out of a small portacabin, which leaks when it rains.

One is probably the biggest retailer in the world. The other is one of the largest football clubs in the country. I am talking about Amazon and Leeds United.

Let’s start with Amazon. If you follow their activities in the news, you’ll know that they are hardly whiter than white. In fact, if you were to examine their metaphorical underpants, I am sure you would find some nasty skidmarks, that even Daz washing powder would struggle to remove. I am referring to their tax avoidance.

Tax avoidance is the legal way of paying less tax – unlike evasion, which is illegal and something Amazon are definitely not involved with. However, ask yourself – “just because something is not against the law, does it make it right?” That subject is for another blog post (which I will never get round to).

Moving on from Amazon’s tax issues and $11billion profit, to something a lot more important – my missing parcel. I placed a preorder for a Hannibal Lecter Funko Head. If you don’t know what a “Funko Head” is, it’s basically a toy for adults – and NO – not one of those “toys”. Bloody hell – your warped mind. I blogged about one of my toys a few years ago.

Amazon totally cocked up the delivery date and appointed UPS to transfer Hannibal from their Swindon warehouse to my home. Anyone who has seen The Silence of the Lambs will know that Dr Lecter doesnt travel well – and I don’t mean he suffers from motion sickness.

Luckily for the UPS driver, Hannibal didn’t escape and eat his face, like in the movie. Unluckily for me, my Funko Head was taken to a shop in Twerton, 3 miles away from where Iive. What did they expect? For me to just hop on my mobility scooter and ride to this mystery shop on the other side of town? Well, yes, actually.

As cockney Frank Butcher would say “YOU’RE HAVING A GIRAFFE!”

The second offender to shamefully rip me off was a loved one. Now that hurts. Sometimes I feel that this loved one just doesn’t realise how much I care for them – they certainly don’t reciprocate the affection. I am, of course, referring to Leeds United. The football club I have bitched and moaned about, throughout every one of my blog’s 15+ years on the internet.

If you have been reading my blog recently, you will know that I have been waiting for a matchday programme to be delivered. I initially blamed Postman Pat. Pat, I’m sorry…

By way of an apology, I did buy Pat a gift. Unfortunately something went wrong…

The reason I had not received the programme, was because it was never bloody sent! Honestly, Leeds United is like a rubbish boyfriend. He constantly promises you the world, but always finds a way to let you down. I am subjected to applauding emotional abuse. The only thing the bastard hasn’t done is hit me – although give that time – whenever I next get to go to a Leeds game, I am sure I’ll end up getting smashed in the face by a wayward ball.

I sent Leeds lots of love letters, I mean emails, asking about the missing programme. They blocked my email address. I’m fecking serious. I am blocked, like a dirty spammer.

Luckily, I still own my trusty pre-2004 Yahoo Mail account. I used this before GMail became a thing. Yahoo Mail was crap back at the turn of the millennium and it is still crap now. In fact, I think it has become worse!

I used this geriatric email address to further ‘spam’ the club, asking what was going on and where the hell my programme was. I also messaged the Supporters Liaison Officer. I don’t really know what they do, but they sounded helpful and once sent me a signed photo of the team.

Guess what? I have had no response from the club. As cockney Frank Butcher would shout “YOU’RE HAVING A BUBBLE BATH!”

Now this is where the hardcore porn comes in…

If you don’t want to see this extremely graphic photo, leave now…

I’m warning you…

Don’t say that I didn’t warn you…

Seriously, this is sick, sick stuff…

Twisted and vile…

Depraved…

OK, you’ve been warned. Prepare to see your last meal, as you puke onto your keyboard or smartphone…

 

“YOU’RE HAVING A BUBBLE BATH!”

 

If you are still with me and haven’t choked on your own vomit, well done. Foul stuff, wasnt it?

What can I say? Leeds United drove me to it.

There is a little epilogue to my tale of woe and it is good news!

I am now a happy owner of the two latest Leeds United matchday programmes. The one which originally went AWOL was sent to me by the Liaison Officer. Yesterday, I arrived home from work to discover the second programme sitting on where my doormat would be, if I owned a doormat – basically, it came through the letterbox.

Well done, Leeds United. You did good. Eventually…

As for Amazon and Dr Lecter – apparently he is in a white van, on his way to me at some point today. That is unless he escapes again.

Oh, just to let you know that by reading his highly pornographic blog, you have infected your browsing device with the most awful spyware, malware, ransomware and underwear.

Basically, I’ve stolen all your data. To get it back, you must pay me…

Posted by sean on August 21, 2019 at 11:44 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


I feel like I have now got over Leeds United defender, Pontus Jansson, being sold to Brentford.

Having re-read what I put in a blog post, just over six weeks ago, I think that I can safely say I have moved on…

It pains me to admit that Pontus was my favourite Leeds player. In my eyes and heart, he is irreplaceable. Leeds won’t be able to come close to buying a new player themselves of equal quality and will be a weaker side as a result.

Meh. We’ll do alright…

Whoever called football supporters fickle?

I even created a few additional verses, more relevant now, considering Pontus plays for Brentford and not Leeds…

Pontus Jansson’s magic,
He threw some plates around
So Leeds sold him to Brentford,
In that there London Town.

He beat the mighty Boro,
Then went to Hull and drew.
But when he played at Elland Road,
He didn’t have a clue!

See. Not bitter, not fickle and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Leeds beat Brentford this evening and are top of the league. No. Definitely a coincidence.

Posted by sean on August 19, 2019 at 7:29 pm in Fun At Home with 1 Comment


Some people say that our dreams have deep meanings, relating things we are unaware of. The only meaning behind my dreams are that I am bloody mad – especially after Saturday night…

I was forced to wake Claire up. It was about 3am on Sunday morning. My decision to awaken my wife at this time was not taken lightly, especially as she had to get up for work in under 3 hours.

A strap from my BiPap facemask had come off. I must wear this mask every night, to keep me breathing nicely. Reattaching the strap is difficult enough at the best of times, let alone when it’s pitch black and I am unable to see what I am doing. Claire, being the kind wife that she is, fixed the mask, despite being in a daze herself, before immediately returning to sleep – there wasn’t even time to thank or say that I love her.

Not exactly this type of face mask

The strap had become detached because of me. I had ripped it off. In my defence, I was asleep at the time, with the mishap occurring as a result of a dream.

I had spent much of Saturday watching Amazon Prime Video on our Smart TV. In case you were wondering, that really happened – we’ve not reached the bit about my dream yet.

A six-part documentary about Leeds United had been released the previous day and with Claire working all weekend, I was keen to have one of those ‘series binges’ so many people go on about, as if it is an achievement and something to be proud of.

It wasn’t that long ago, that if you were to sit down for six hours, watching back-to-back episodes of a television series, you would be called a ‘couch potato’, or worse, a ‘fat, lazy shit’

Anyway, I must have over indulged a little too much, as it affected my dreams! No, I didn’t dream about Leeds United’s failure last season (the basis of the documentary). That would have resulted in me removing my eye balls from their sockets, never mind a facemask strap.

I dreamt that I was setting up the Amazon Prime app on my Smart TV. See – I told you that my dreams mean that I am mentally unstable! Instead of using a television remote control, to enter a username and password, like in real life, I had to turn a plastic knob, very similar to the one attached to our central heating boiler. See – totally off my trolley!

This must have been a very realistic dream, as I clearly had a need to turn a real-life knob. Obviously I don’t sleep with the such a tool next to the bed, so in my wakeless state, I clearly reached for whatever was close to hand.

It just so happens that, in our bed, the thing which most resembles a knob is a clip, attached to a strap on my BiPap mask.

This is what led me to turning the clip until… guess what? If you said that I started dreaming that I was watching Amazon Prime Video, you’re an idiot. What obviously happened, was half the mask became detached from my head, resulting in a strange noise, filtered air blowing into my eyes and a lot of confusion on my part. Oh, and I woke up.

I actually have history of this kind of behaviour. Many years ago, I dreamt that I was on a canal boat. I took a holiday on one in August 2005 (if you’re interested, there are many blog posts from that time!). In my dream, I was steering the boat, when it became out of control.

I panicked and tried to force the break to work. Instead of forcing a break lever, I was pushing and pulling against a table football set, under the bed. The table must have been relatively cheap, as it was made from chipboard. As a result, one side of the table snapped off.

I woke up, the canal boat was saved and didn’t get damaged, but a previously working table football set did. I guess this latest episode of ‘sleep madness’ went rather well by comparison. Nothing was broken, apart from the sleep of Claire and me.

I’ve already told you what happened next. My wife saved the day. I then went back to sleep for the rest of the night, but not before jotting down what had happened, as I knew I would otherwise forget.

See, even in the middle of the night, I was thinking about what would make a good blog post. I’m so good to you!

Posted by sean on August 18, 2019 at 10:55 pm in Rabbits with No Comments


We’ve all been there. You’re reaching for something on the top shelf, which you manage to retrieve, only for a monstrous pile of crap you didn’t know about to come crashing down.

    NO ANIMAL WAS HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS VIDEO.
    ALTHOUGH A RABBIT’S PRIDE WAS SERIOUSLY DENTED.

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