Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on December 7, 2019 at 11:09 pm in Bath City, Leeds United with No Comments


Over four and a half years ago, Bath City took on a little-known team from Essex called Concord Rangers.

City held onto a 1-0 scoreline for much of the game and it looked like they would take all three points.

Unfortunately, Concord equalised late into the match. What can I say? It happens. Considering that this took place almost five years ago and the result had no significant impact on the season, I feel that I have got over it!

I can’t really remember much about the game at all, apart from one incident involving their manager, Danny Cowley. Upon witnessing his team equalise, Concord’s boss ran to the Bath City bench, before spotting Twerton Park legend, Jim Rollo, and shouting like a yob, “I remember you! You’re a c**t!”

I remember you too, Danny.

I am sure you will agree, that kind of behaviour is disgusting – especially when addressing a hero like Jim Rollo. Sorry, Sir Jim Rollo.

Why am I bringing all of this back up now? Well, since that dark day of obscene profanity, Danny Cowley has been doing rather well for himself, progressing from club to club, climbing the football pyramid and his own career ladder. Despite his previous indiscretion, I can bring myself to congratulate the man on his achievements.

It just so happens, that this afternoon, Mr Cowley finally got the chance to take on my other team – Leeds United.

The former-Concord boss is now managing Huddersfield Town. Anyone who knows about football, or geography for that matter, will be aware that this is a local fixture for Leeds.

These derbies can be notoriously difficult, despite the fact Leeds are having a superb season, and Huddersfield are struggling.

Leeds thankfully won the game, to return to the top of the league.

How did Danny Cowley react? Did he call the world-famous Leeds manager, Marcelo Bielsa, a bad four-letter word?

Of course not…

Arse kisser Cowley. *

* admittedly, given the chance, I would kiss Marcelo Bielsa’s behind too.

Posted by sean on December 6, 2019 at 7:32 pm in Christmas with No Comments


I am sure you are wondering, with Christmas less than three weeks away, how I am going to cope with sourcing presents, given the fact that I am bedridden with two broken arms.

Thankfully, I am one of few men on this planet, who is actually organised with Christmas shopping. Each year, I try to get all of my Santa duties finished by the start of November.

Admittedly, performing my James Bond impression and leaping from a speeding mobility scooter, subsequently shattering 75% of my major limbs, did mean that a very small amount of the shopping had to wait until my hospital discharge. The most important thing is that everything has now been purchased.

Unlike many people, I actually enjoy Christmas shopping. I must be in the minority, who does not find it a stressful and terrifying experience. Buying every single gift online, as opposed to the hellish high street, certainly helped.

What I do find a harrowing ordeal, each year, is not the present buying, but the wrapping bit. I am hopeless at it. Not only because my handling of the wrapping paper and sticky tape is so bad, that any gift I do give looks like it is from a dog, but because I easily tire of the whole thing, far preferring to watch a bit of telly or make a cup of coffee.

I have managed to find one positive about my terrible injuries – getting out of doing the present wrapping! I am certainly going to ensure that I enjoy this shameful shirking of responsibility, as I know that I’ll be forced back into this mundane chore next December.

My wonderful wife, Claire, has volunteered to wrap all my presents! Compared to my usual efforts, all the gifts I give to loved ones this year, will be so beautifully presented, that nobody will believe that they’re from me.

I am sure that some of you have already thought of the flaw in my ingenious plan – if Claire is wrapping everyone’s gifts, who will be preparing hers? Well that’s simple – I haven’t got her anything. OK, clearly that’s a joke. I fully intend to shower my wonderful wife with all manner of presents.

Luckily, kindness must run in her family, as my mother and father-in-law have already offered to wrap everything I have bought for Claire.

I am clearly very grateful for this gesture, but also relieved that I haven’t bought my wife any saucy gifts. I would feel rather awkward asking them to wrap gifts for their daughter, which include props from Fifty Shades of Grey, edible knickers and pink fluffy handcuffs. Not that I would ever buy Claire such things for Christmas – I had already given them to her as birthday presents…

Meanwhile, here is a photo of a pressie bought for me. Looks like a great gift for a guy with one broken leg and two shattered arms…

Posted by sean on December 5, 2019 at 1:29 pm in Health with No Comments


I am not needle phobic. Many years ago, I was. However, after being injected more times than a junkie, I have been forced to get used to ‘assault by needle’. This kind of proves that exposure therapy works, but certainly doesn’t mean that I’ll be attending any spider handling classes, anytime soon.

Despite not running for the hills, whenever I spot a long, sharp metal object, I can’t admit to needles being one of my favourite things. I don’t recall Julie Andrews singing about them in a positive light either.

Following my operation three weeks ago, I was ordered to receive daily injections. I was given the same treatment after January’s surgery, but was able to stop the course, upon getting discharged home. The thought of coming off the things, allowed me to tolerate every stab, prod and “short, sharp scratch”, inflicted upon my stomach – yes, my STOMACH – throughout my most recent stay.

The jabs stung a tad.

You can therefore imagine my horror, when, upon being sent home, I was ordered to continue the things for 14 days!

Apparently, this is all necessary to prevent blood clots. That did make me wonder… I received very similar surgery at the start of the year. Considering that I was not told to keep injecting myself, was I at risk of turning into a giant clot of blood? If not, is the latest clinician, who I have named Dr Stabby – just a meanie, who likes inflicting pain?

I’m willing to say yes; which is why I hope he somehow ends up standing barefoot on a rusty nail.

Posted by sean on December 4, 2019 at 7:39 pm in The Roman Chalice with No Comments


The Roman Chalice changed hands again last night. Despite a valiant battle, Northampton Town were unable to avoid defeat to Portsmouth, and as such, the trophy heads to the south coast.

There was controversy around Pompey’s victory, however…

The fixture in which Northampton played Portsmouth and ended up losing the Chalice is a bit of a crap one. The EFL Trophy. Even the name screams dog poo.

Most of the lower league clubs who enter the competition don’t take it seriously – although, I’m sure had Northampton realised that they were defending the Roman Chalice, no doubt they would have tried harder.

The reason why associating the Roman Chalice with the EFL Trophy is controversial, is not because nobody seems to take the damn thing seriously, but because some Premier League sides are invited to play their reserve side in the competition.

Therefore, if the Liverpool kids were to take on Portsmouth and win, where should the Chalice go?

The Roman Chalice Committee – me – have come to a decision on what will happen, in order to prevent such a situation arising. Any fixture involving a reserve team, will be deemed null and void.

So there you go. Controversy solved. Simples. Put me in charge of FIFA – I can solve all those difficult problems.

Posted by sean on December 3, 2019 at 6:17 pm in Gambling with No Comments


With each weekly online shop, Claire and I treat ourselves to a scratch card each.

As you’ll know, the last few weeks I have been in hospital. Despite this little setback, we still had to get our gambling fix.

While lying in a hospital bed, I wasn’t really in the mood for trying to win money.

This meant that I returned home to two scratch cards. Add those to the one which arrived in today’s order, and that makes three!

The question was, from these three scratch cards, totalling £9, how much would I win? I say “I”, any winnings would be split equally with Claire.

So, how much did I… I mean “we” win?

Prepare the drum roll…

 

£6.00

Just the £3 loss.

For those wondering, two of the three cards were winners. Each paying £3 each. Basically a refund.

See, kids. Gambling doesn’t pay. Listen to Ray…

“When the fun stops, stop, motherfucker!”

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