Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on October 15, 2018 at 11:35 pm in Funny Things with No Comments

One of my favourite things that I have seen on the internet lately, and one of the (many) reasons that I don’t use Facebook.

Posted by sean on October 15, 2018 at 2:26 pm in Funny Things with No Comments

When Ricky Gervais likes your tweet…

If you have no idea what this tweet relates to, you clearly haven’t watched The Office, where the joke is mentioned a number of times in one episode.

WARNING: If you are in your own office, the clip isn’t safe for work. Besides which, why are you reading this blog and not working?

Posted by sean on October 13, 2018 at 10:49 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

I have discovered that living in the modern world, but having to take regular medication, can be a problem. My ability to use technology is not impeded by any drug which I have to take; the issue relates to communication.

Ninty nine percent of the time that I spend downstairs at home, is sat in my favourite half of the sofa. Over time, I have collected and organised a set of cushions of all shapes and sizes, to surround me while I am sat, moulding themselves around my rear end, to make me very comfortable.

As well as building myself a mountain of cushions, I have also organised my ‘living area’ to be within easy reach of my favourite books and gadgets. Heck, I’ve even got a tuck shop drawer, in case I get hungry or thirsty. It is a couch potato’s wet dream.

Personally, I think that I have an excuse. Due to my mobility issues, it would take a lot of effort for me to get from the sofa, to the bookshelf or kitchen, should I fancy a read or a Wagon Wheel… except I’m not eating WWs at the moment, and unless they bring out gelatin-free wheels, I sadly won’t be eating one of Britain’s tastiest biccies ever again.

Anyway… I’m not a lazy couch potato. I’m a lazy couch potato with a mobility scooter.

I mentioned that as well as having easy access to books and tuck, I have also ensured that my favourite toys are just a short stretch away. As well as that, my prescribed medication is just a foot from my grasp, to ensure any pill-popping is done on time. Here lies the problem…

I’ve already said that I have to take PILL and TABLETs throughout the day…

I do most of my internet browsing, blogging, geeky spreadsheet stuff etc on my Samsung TABLET

I also enjoy listening to music on my Dre Beats PILL.

If I am away from my throne (the sofa), from time to time, I may ask my wife if she would kindly pass me something. If it is a bar of chocolate or book, that is never an issue. The problems occur when I would like my medication or techy stuff…

Me: “Wifey. Can you pass me something please?”
Claire: “Of course, Hubby. What would you like?”
Me: “The tablet please”

My poor, devoted wife wouldn’t know whether I wanted to check my emails or chase the dragon. *

* all of my medication is legal, prescribed and non-hallucinogenic (sadly).

We have the same problem when I ask for my pill. Do I want to go “flying high in the sky” with the Lighthouse Family, or opium? **

** honestly – I’m no junkie! “The blogger doth protest too much, methinks” 

This has all gone a bit too much Shaun Ryder and less Sean’s Stories, for my liking. No more drug jokes.

I’ll end today’s blog by saying, despite all the communication problems with pills and tablets, it’s good that I now own a Nintendo Switch, which means that I no longer need to ask Claire for a Wii.

Posted by sean on October 12, 2018 at 11:09 pm in Rabbits with No Comments


Posted by sean on October 11, 2018 at 11:11 pm in Spiders with No Comments

Claire took a deserved break from her household and nursing duties, to spend an hour at a friend’s house. I suspected she had returned when I heard the front door open. I knew she had returned when I heard her let out a terrifying scream. Considering that I hadn’t attempted to cook cheese on toast in her absence, and thus destroying the kitchen, Claire’s blood-curdling shriek must have meant one thing… a spider.

My assessment of the developing perilous situation, by the front door, was correct. Claire had eye-spied a spider. The next question I posed would be the most critical. Any arachnophobe will know exactly what this question is and how it is of paramount importance…

“how big is it?”

Based upon Claire’s scream, moments earlier, I knew that I wouldn’t like her response… “BIG!”

Now, when somebody responds with the word “BIG”, it isn’t always a bad thing – it all depends upon the question posed. For example, “What is your favourite Tom Hanks movie?” or “Which gangster rapper is believed to be ‘Notorious’?”. To answer “BIG” to either of those questions could, in no way, be considered a negative. Unless you’re a die hard fan of Forrest Gump.

To answer “BIG” to any question regarding a spider is bad. You could even say it is a big, big worry for me!

I started to scream. This lead Claire to start screaming again. Roman looked terrified. I don’t think he is frightened of spiders (at least he wasn’t before yesterday). Judging by his owners’ terror, Roman must have thought a man and rabbit-eating monster had broken into the house.

Claire ran to the kitchen to get something, which could be used to catch the spider. She returned with one of the largest utensils possible (although anything less would have been too small), a Sports Direct Mug. Whatever poor sod sent us this mug in the post may have only been on a zero-hour contract and had not gone to the toilet for days, but by supplying us with a grossly oversized teacup, had immensely helped Claire, Roman and I in our moment of plight.

Claire is normally very brave and quick at catching spiders. Since moving in with me, 5 years ago, she has been forced to deal with the beasties. However, in this instance the creature from the black lagoon was both too large and too fast, even for Claire, with all her expertise.

The only way in which the mug was going to be of any use, was if Claire either threw it at the spider, or made me an Irish coffee in it, to calm my nerves.

Claire had to resort to something we are not proud of (apart from Roman, who was all for the idea)… she had to kill it with bug spray. We both hate killing things, even spiders, but sometimes you have no choice. Before all the vegans start posting hate on my blog, let me ask you “would you kill a sewer rat if it was living in your kitchen?” Most people would. And isn’t “all life equal”? Case closed.

After getting sprayed, the spider ran to hide under my stairlift. Once sedated, Claire caught it in the massive mug (thanks, Mike Ashley) and released it outside.

Nightmare over. Or so we thought…

In all the excitement, Roman had kicked poop from his litter tray everywhere. If Claire thought that dirty protest was bad, she was yet to see my underwear!

The real Beast From The East

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