Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on March 25, 2019 at 11:14 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments


Guess what? After being off work since January, due to a mix of sickness and annual leave, following my leg break, I am returning to the office tomorrow.

That’s two entire months off work. Some people have said that breaking a major limb is a rather extreme measure to take, to avoid the inevitable ribbing, from colleagues, about Leeds United’s spying scandal. I feel it was a necessary step to take – not that I was in any position to be taking steps, at the time of the fracture!

NOTE FOR MY EMPLOYERS: For the purpose of clarity (and retaining my job), the above paragraph is a joke. My leg did break. It was the single-most painful experience of my entire life. Would I inflict such trauma on myself, all for the love of a second tier football club? Would I feck.

In preparation for my return, I have been getting things ready – clothes, food, drink, nunchucks (again, please refer to the above note) etc. This involved removing the contents of my work bag. Considering I only use this bag for work and I have been off since January, I was intrigued (and slightly scared) about what I might find.

Here is what I discovered in the treasure trove…

  • A scarf, gloves & woolly hat. It’s easy to forget that the weather was somewhat cooler, at the time of my fracture.
  • ID badge and Smartcard. The ID badge is used to get me into the building and stops the security team from kicking my arse, when I am unable to prove that I am not Osama bin Laden. The smartcard is used to get me into the computer and stops my colleagues from kicking my arse, for finding another excuse to shirk doing my job for another two months.
  • Various supermarket shopping bags. At five pence a bag, they’re worth their weight in gold. I’ve been carrying around a small fortune!
  • An unopened yoghurt. By far the most disturbing discovery from my ‘bag of wonders’ – and the inspiration behind today’s blog. Sadly, the yoghurt is worth considerably less than the shopping bags – unless it is required for scientific research. The yoghurt in question is a Muller Corner Chocolate Banana Muesli Yoghurt. Sounds delicious. It’s not. One spoon of this would probably kill you. The use by date was 21st January. However, what made my discovery even more worrying, was the fact my uneaten breakfast had been festering in my bag, without any means of refrigeration. The yoghurt is now in the bin. If anyone does wish to take it for a science experiment, use in a nasty chemical weapons attack, or a tastier and healthier alternative to a Pot Noodle, our bin day is this Friday. Help yourself.

Posted by sean on March 22, 2019 at 11:45 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments


Today, I heard the news about this tragic death

A fascist spokesperson from the manufacturers said

Sweet tastes and trends change over the years and Tooty Frooties have become much less popular in the decades since their launch.

In 2019, people prefer the jelly and foamy sweets you find in Rowntree’s Randoms and that’s why we’ve decided to concentrate on new products under the Randoms brand.

What the actual fudge? You mean to tell me that you’re scrapping Tooty Frooties, in order to focus on Randoms? Which, by the way, as a sweets fan, I find pretty shit.

I hope that this is a clever marketing move, to bring TFs back in 6 months time, in the hope that people will buy them more. I refuse to stoop that low. If that happened, I would boycott the sweets. Who am I kidding? I’d buy them by the bucketload.

Clearly, upon hearing the news, opportunists, or as I like to call them “sweetie touts”, have started selling bags online, for extortionate prices.

You may think that this eBay listing is expensive. It was one of the cheap ones. Look how much the bags are selling for in America…

Posted by sean on March 18, 2019 at 11:56 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


Despite their success, I have said all season that Leeds won’t go up.

On Saturday, they lost to their nearest promotion rivals, Sheffield United (that’s right, folks – I’m still not over it). This comes just weeks after getting thrashed 4-1, by Norwich – the other of the three teams bidding to win promotion.

Today I learn that the club’s best defender, Pontus Jansson, is crocked and will therefore miss a number of crucial games. I wouldn’t go as far to say that Pontus will be receiving Disability Living Allowance, for the next few weeks, but things don’t sound great.

I am not superstitious. I think anyone who believes horoscopes, must have seriously low intelligence. I also don’t believe that magicians are able to contact and speak to the dead.

I do avoid walking under ladders – firstly, because these days, chances are I would be on my mobility scooter – meaning not only would I not be walking, but my wheels would most likely get jammed in between the ladder. Secondly, people who use ladders often store tins of paint, buckets of water or tool boxes, on the very top, meaning that by passing underneath, I run the risk of getting covered in paint, soaked with water, or killed, by a falling hammer.

I think it’s a good idea not to be superstitious in life. I have enough issues to cope with, so don’t want to add to my troubles by avoiding stepping on cracks in the pavement!

There is one area in life, where I am superstitious, and that’s when it comes to football.

One of the reasons I have stuck by my prediction that Leeds will cock it up, is because I generally believe that they will – I’ve had lots of heartache and let down, over the years supporting The Whites.

I am like an abused housewife, who keeps vowing to leave her violent bastard of a husband, but never does, as he keeps convincing her he’s changed. He can’t change and eventually the housewife discovers she’s in the early 1990s, her name is Mandy Jordache and she is in an episode of the Channel 4 soap, Brookside. Now, I’m not suggesting that I am about to murder a football club and bury it under the patio, but I’ll be tempted if Leeds screw this one up!

The other reason for my pessimism, is that I secretly hoped that by stating I think everything will fall apart for Leeds, they will prove me wrong and romp to The Premier League, by winning automatic promotion.

Now my prediction – which was as uncommon as much as it was controversial, amongst fellow Leeds supporters – appears to be coming true. My Psychic Sean* alter-ego is now worried that by trying to jinx them into success, I have accidentally cursed my own team.

Good name, don’t you think? As the word “Psychic” sounds like it should be spelt with the letter “S”, when coupled with my name, it’s almost alliteration.

Therefore, I want to say this…

THE BLADES (Sheffield United) ARE GOING UP!

 

WELL DONE TO THE CANARIES – Norwich City – WINNING THE LEAGUE & GETTING THE PUSSY!

That oughta do it…

Posted by sean on March 17, 2019 at 7:52 pm in Rabbits with No Comments


Roman has had a busy weekend…

Hide and seek!

Roman’s on a roll!

Hay! Stop, hay thief!

Catching a breather during play time.

Posted by sean on March 16, 2019 at 4:58 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


I told you that I had a feeling of dread about today.

Never, ever say that I am overly pessimistic.

Leeds don’t play for two weeks now. All I can do is watch Sean Bean – a massive Sheffield United fan – getting killed by Pierce Brosnan, over and over, for an entire fortnight.

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    All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
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