Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on December 10, 2018 at 11:47 pm in Politics with No Comments


Despite taking a bit of an aspect in some aspects of politics (I’m no Andrew Marr), until today I have never watched a House of Commons debate.

I came home from work, to find Claire watching BBC Politics. Again, like me, she hasn’t watched the channel before – at least not without my knowledge.

The debate focused on the ongoing saga of Brexit. Honestly, this has dragged on longer than all the Star Wars movies, and cost a hell of a lot more money.

To my inexperienced House of Commons mind, it appeared that many of the MPs wanted to vote on the Brexit deal. Teresa May then decided to call the vote off. Probably because she knew all too well that she wouldn’t win.

That’s a great way to avoid defeat, Prime Minister. Leeds United are due to play Bolton at the weekend. If the players just don’t turn up and say that they don’t want to play, will they be awarded the win? If we’re following the PM’s rules, yes. Sorry, Bolton.

Another observation that I made is that Mrs May will do whatever she can to avoid answering a tough question. I know that everyone jokes about politicians doing this, but it really is true!

A Labour MP asked the PM what she would like to say to her constituents, who voted leave, based upon promises which will not be delivered. May didn’t answer. Instead, she reeled off some bollocks about how she has spoken to lots of people, who voted remain, that now want to leave. Now, I’m not calling our respectable Prime Minister a liar, but if she was related to Pinocchio, her nose would have grown so long that it would have stretched across Westminster Bridge.

Her response hasn’t even got anything to do with the issue posed to her in the first place! Again, using ‘Teresa Logic’ in another situation, imagine that you are on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. You’re one step away from the top prize, but have used all your lifelines. You are asked the question “The Koran is divided into 114 sections – what are these known as?”. You respond “The cow goes ‘mooo!'”. Congratulations – you’re a millionaire!

Finally, many of the MPs are bloody rude. Like I have already said, I haven’t watched a debate from the House of Commons before, so don’t know if this happens all the time (but suspect it does). One speaker stood up to make a point, to which a rude bastard in the background shouted out “get on with it!”.

Given how unpleasant they all are, I don’t understand why they call each other “the right honourable”. Why are they not just honest and address each other as “C*nty McC*ckhead”?

The other MPs are no better than the “get on with it” moron. Those not heckling each other, are mostly on their mobile phones! That is, of course, the politicians who had bothered to stay behind to finish the debate. By 6pm, most appeared to have buggered off! Presumably to get home in time to listen to the remainder of the debate on Radio 4, or more likely watch Married to the Eiffel Tower, on Channel 5 – and yes, that is a real documentary

Posted by sean on December 9, 2018 at 7:40 pm in Football with No Comments


I was more than a little disappointed to hear that Liverpool forward, Mohamed Salah, scored a hat trick against Bournemouth on Saturday (although probably not as disappointed as the club’s manager, Eddie Howe).

The reason for my disappointment is all because of fantasy football. Unlike many fellow “FFers”, who took to Twitter to air their frustrations, I actually left Mo in my team. The problem was that I dropped him as my captain, for the first time this season.

Salah scored a hat trick, which means loads of points for me. Had I kept the faith and retained him as my captain, I would have won double points. Damn and blast!

 

Posted by sean on December 8, 2018 at 11:30 pm in Shopping with No Comments


What’s worse than doing one big shop, while you are on annual leave? Answer: Doing two big shops while you are on annual leave. 

Yesterday, not content with spending close to £200 in Asda the previous week, Claire and I joined her parents in a trip to Chippenham.

Over the course of my lifetime, I have only ever been to the Wiltshire town on a small number of occasions…

  1. To watch Chippenham Town Football Club. I will quote the Wealdstone Raider, when describing their ground – “what a shit hole”. Never again.
  2. The former head office of my former employer was situated in Chippenham. I had to attend a corporate induction there. I didn’t know where I was going, had to catch buses and trains, tripped over a broken bit of pavement and fell over, all before enduring hours of corporate boredom. Never again.
  3. Visit 3D Computers. A jewel in the turd that is Chippenham. This independent computer shop took a large proportion of my student loan, many moons ago. They provided an excellent service and built me some fabulous PCs. I don’t know if they still exist. If they have gone bust, I feel partly responsible, having not returned for 15 years.
  4. Food shopping in Morrisons. I have been before yesterday. Currently my only reason to visit the town.

As a rule, I never go supermarket shopping at weekends. For similar reasons, I also don’t play hopscotch in the middle of the M25 motorway or climb into the lion enclosure at Bristol Zoo.

Despite being a Friday, the shop was still far too busy for my liking. It was as if people remembered it was Jesus Christ’s birthday later this month, so had to celebrate, by buying enough food to gorge themselves until they are sick. Interesting fact: The Romans did exactly this on a regular basis – although they didn’t have a Morrisons or Tesco. There wasn’t even a Lidle!

The problem with supermarkets being busy, is that shoppers can’t operate their trolleys properly. I pray that they don’t drive their cars like they do their shopping trolleys. I even suffered some road rage, when some bastard cut me up, while I was on my scooter. What a c***. Never let me buy a car.

To be fair, I was originally all for this big Christmas shop. Although as time dragged on, I not only lost patience, but the will to live. All I wanted was to be back home, on the sofa, playing Red Dead Redemption, and hunting for snakes on Guarma island.

We eventually got to the checkout, which is where I realised that I was trapped. Due to the huge volume of shoppers, I was unable to drive my scooter down the narrow gap, in between checkout counters. By this point, I had realised that Christmas shoppers had bugger all festive spirit and were not going to move out of the way for my scooter. I therefore squeezed past a barrier. Lesson of the day: If a barrier warns that it is alarned, it most definitely is.

The journey home was interesting. By “interesting”, I mean a fecking nightmare. Claire’s satnav kept trying to direct her the wrong way. When Claire ignored the crazy woman inside the gadget, she threw a hissy fit and stopped giving us directions at all. Why won’t the bitch just admit she was wrong?

We drove back through Bath city centre. Another nightmare. Those awful Christmas huts were still out and causing havoc. People flock from all over the country to see these bastard wooden huts. I am proud to say that, as a Bath resident for over 26 years, I haven’t visited them once.

Now for a load of fascinating photos from a supermarket…

Toys right by the store entrance to get kids to cause hell for their parents. Child to his poor mum “I don’t know what to choose “. Mum’s response “We’re not going to choose anything”

Has anyone eaten this and lived to tell the tale?

A great pre-death snack, for anyone considering eating the curry.

Did I try to drive my scooter through that small gap? Did it fit? Answers: Yes and only just.

An eye mask, some lippy and presecco? What a truly fabulous night in!

This “bread” looks better suited with the butcher from League of Gentlemen

A cake absolutely covered in e-numbers. Guaranteed to turn a kids birthday party into utter mayhem

Funny – I always remembered the chocolates being smaller

A fully stocked shelf of cheap cider. Clearly Bath’s student invasion hasn’t reached Chippenham

Which packet to buy?
Decisions decisions… Just buy one of each

It is my dream to visit an empty supermarket. Imagine the speed I could reach, tearing down the empty aisles on my scooter. 5mph is more than possible!

Did I play with the screen, scan my own mobile and generally see what I could make the machine do? Of course not.

Sadly I couldn’t ride the swing boat. I was all out of 20 pence pieces.

Elvis isn’t dead and he’s residing in the last place anyone would think to look… Wiltshire

It’s reassuring to see there’s always someone monitoring the CCTV station.

Great work placing the e exercise bike by the wheelchair.
Just to remind the disabled that they will never be able to use one.

Posted by sean on December 6, 2018 at 10:50 pm in Life In Bath, Me Vs. The World with No Comments


You know those horror movie sequels where the killer comes back for more, only in a more extreme way? Well that is what happened to me today, except this monster wasn’t a cannibal, great white shark or zombie. I was being targeted by Richard Branson…

You’ll recall my encounters with Virgin Media last month (here and here). This morning, the trouble came to my front door – literally!

In his bid to take over the world, or maybe just offer the residents of Weston an alternative to Sky TV, Dickie Branson deemed it necessary to dig up the path from my house to the street.

Unfortunately, as I use a mobility scooter, I would have been unable to squeeze past the deep gashes into the pavement. Unlike a couple of weeks ago, there was no alternative route, meaning Virgin Media had left me housebound. Nice to see that the company values the well-being of potential new customers and the general public.

To make matters even worse, the digger found it necessary to drive onto my garden path. This is private land. Never mind, this had all been organised by Richard Branson, who will do whatever the f**k he likes. Maybe I’ll trespass onto his private island. It’ll be a nice holiday. Somehow, I doubt that I’ll get away with that, though.

I did report these issues by ringing the complaints hotline. The complaints hotline was busy. No comment.

The advisor on the phone did not apologise for my distress. Was this a case of “Don’t say sorry, as this admits guilt”, or was he just being rude?

My concerns were escalated to the site manager, who visited my house. He was pleasant enough and even managed to apologise, promising that “it’ll never happen again”. No, I don’t think it will, considering the cable has already been laid.

Oh well. I’ll be sticking to Sky and not touching Virgin Media with a 10 foot pole. It says a lot about my feelings towards Dickie, when I favour a firm owned by Rupert Murdoch over his.

Posted by sean on December 5, 2018 at 11:34 pm in Christmas, Rabbits with No Comments


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