Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on September 30, 2018 at 9:29 pm in Rabbits with No Comments


Watch out for our bunny’s reaction when his cardboard tube rolls out of place…

Posted by sean on September 30, 2018 at 12:40 pm in Life In Bath with No Comments


The McDonald’s in Twerton closed it’s doors for the summer. Initially, I thought that the reason for this was because all the university students had returned to their homes, situated all over the country. Considering students seem to make up McDonald’s entire workforce, there would be nobody to prepare such cusines as the Big Mac, Mozzarella Dippers and the McFlurry. The real reason the restaurant shut it’s doors is far less interesting – they were refurbishing.

I’ve always liked McDonald’s, although find the restaurant we frequent to be very chavvy. Now I’m not criticising people who eat McDonald’s (although, considering the health implications of the food, I’d have good grounds to) afterall, we buy and enjoy takeaways from there. What makes this particular McDonald’s so chavtastic is a small percentage of customers, who can only be described as ‘scruffy bastards’.

We normally pop into Maccy D’s on the way home from watching Bath City, whose ground is just around the corner from the fast food restaurant. This is always early on a Saturday evening. The queue of hungry burger junkies usually stretches out of the door. As well as fellow football fans and locals after a weekend treat, there are, who I would call, ‘The Jeremy Kyle Families’. If you don’t know what I mean, watch this. The adult chavs hang around inside, with their uncontrollable children, or to use the correct term, ‘chavlings’.

Their queue jumping can be annoying; the outbursts towards some poor 17-year-old cashier, over a sachet of ketchup, even a little scary. Yet the worst horror of all is those chavs, children AND adults, who wear onesies…

Not only are onesies so 2013, that if Gok Wan saw somebody wearing one, he would spontaneously combust; the biggest crime is wearing such a garment outside the home! Onesies are basically baby grows for babies who haven’t grown up. I’m not going to lie; about five years ago, I owned one. However, my now retired onesie was only reserved for lazy Sundays, when I had no intention of leaving the sofa, let alone the house.

Even babies usually make the effort to change out of their baby grows, when leaving the house. Those lazy babies who don’t switch their attire, can still be forgiven – despite the fact they’re trying to blow bubbles from their mouth and have filled their nappies – because they’re cute. If you saw your onesie-wearing chav, frothing at the mouth, having shat themselves, you wouldn’t find them quite as endearing.

Anyway, enough about onesies. Somehow, despite McDonald’s being closed for over a month, the chavs lived. Probably ate from bins.

One of the main attractions of the newly refurbished McDonald’s is a ‘Drive-Thru’, meaning not only do the chavs not have to change out of their baby grows, but they don’t even need to step out of their Vauxhall Corsas. Before too long, they won’t have to get up from their sofas… Ronald McDonald will enter their houses, armed with an Extra Value Meal, dropping chicken nuggets into their open mouths. They won’t even need to wake up from their White Lightening induced sleep.

As well as the Drive-Thru, the new look has interactive screens, allowing customers the option to customise their food order. For many, this might include adding extra onion to their Quarter Pounder. The chav would request a Gingsters sausage roll and a packet of Marlborough Lights to be placed alongside a cheeseburger.

It could be worse. The chavs could be like Bath’s overly posh, uptight residents. Assuming that you live in Bath, you will have definitely seen them. If not, here they are. This group will have somehow got lost in McDonald’s, on the way back from the neighbouring Marks and Spencer Food Hall. Again, I don’t want to be accused of being a hypocrite, and will admit to shopping in M&S as a treat! The dish of choice for these customers would be the Fillet O Fish, customised into an ocean platter, complete with octopus tentacle, blow fish and dolphin.

My customisation fitted into neither of these classes, although some may regard it as equally absurd. I have recently turned vegetarian, in honour of my pet rabbit. Prior to turning veggie, I used to love a Big Mac. Along with bacon and sausages, this was the only red meat I would eat. Yes, you are correct in what you can see coming, and yes, it is very annoying… a veggie Big Mac!

My original plan was to remove the beef patty from the Big Mac, replacing it with a vegetable burger. This could not be done. I therefore added cheese and gherkins – an integral part of any Big Mac – to the Spicy Veggie Deluxe. This worked surprisingly well and was ordered alongside vegetarian fries and vegetarian fruit smoothie. A large meal, supposedly (see below).

If I was still a carnivore, this whole thing would enrage me, so much that I would be forced to write a long blog about it. Look, Sean, you either eat animals or you don’t! You can’t have your (beef)cake and eat it!

When is a Big Mac not a Big Mac?

Where’s the rest of my smoothie?

 

Posted by sean on September 29, 2018 at 12:49 am in Rabbits with No Comments


When is showing your love for your pet rabbit going too far? Not like that! This is a family friendly blog, despite the occasional ‘effing. No, some may argue – justifiably – that wearing the below t-shirt is bordering on being a Crazy Cat Lady. Except we don’t own a cat and I am a man.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to be wearing this shirt down the pub or nightclub. Not that this is significant. I can’t remember the last time I visited a public house to drink (and that wasn’t because I got blind drunk and forgot). As for a nightclub, the last one I went to has now been demolished, to make way for a shopping complex. My second and final ever visit to a club was so long ago, that Leeds United were still in Europe, I hadn’t began writing this blog or even working for The NHS.

I digress. I will be wearing the shirt to bed. It looks warm, those cold nights are starting to draw in, and Claire and I both refuse to turn the heating on in September! The chances that I’ll ever have the opportunity to show it off outside the house are therefore remote – unless at a teddy bears’ sleepover, which, although unlikely, still carries a greater chance of me being spotted at, than in The Dog and Duck, drinking a pint of Fosters.

* before you leave a comment (not that anyone apart from spambots does anyway), telling me that I can’t type or spell “FAR”; I intended to use the word “FUR”. It’s a pun and is amusing. If you must leave a comment, you may correctly tell me that I can’t tell jokes or think of decent puns.

Posted by sean on September 26, 2018 at 10:55 pm in Rabbits with No Comments


Father Christmas has clearly started his deliveries early. It would also appear that he is giving gifts to rabbits, this year.

Unlike with children, it doesn’t matter if the bunny has been naughty or nice, as Roman has been very bad this year, and he has received a sleigh-full of toys.

Santa left the gifts with his elves from Pets At Home. Claire collected the pressies from them this evening.

Roman’s surprises include snowman, Christmas dinner and reindeer toys, gnawing wood, and best of all… a rabbit advent calendar!

Our bunny has been called pampered and even spoilt. Roman is currently in discussions with his lawyer, to see if such accusations are libelous.

Posted by sean on September 25, 2018 at 11:36 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments


I came across this story today. It appears that West Midlands Police are offering members of the public the chance to spend the night in the cell of mass murderer, Fred West.

The Old Bill haven’t gone completely mad. They haven’t resorted to locking innocent people up with murdering psychopaths. For those of you who are either too young to know, or simply too old to remember, Fred West killed himself, before his murder trial, on New Years Day 1995.

Still don’t remember him? What about if I tell you this joke that you surely heard at school, or your place of work… FRED WEST WALKS INTO A BAR. BARMAN ASKS WHAT HE WANTS TO DRINK. FRED REPLIES “I COULD MURDER A TENANTS”. Boom. That joke would have crashed Sickipedia, had the internet been available in 1994.

So, Fred West is dead. Although, as the event is being aimed at ghost-hunters, maybe his spirit lives on? If this is not the case, and there is no Willow the West, are the police guilty of false-advertising?

The ‘promotion’, which many are calling sick, costs £75 per-night. You won’t find this B&B on Four in a Bed.

If £75 is too much money, I would imagine that if you ‘Did a Fred West’, and killed a load of tenants, as well as members of your family, before burying them under the patio, you would gain free admission to the cell. However, your stay would almost certainly be longer than one night. Plus, you’ll share a bunk bed with a horny, 30-stone body builder, called Captain Bam Bam.

For the record, I would not suggest taking the cheap option. I’d also advise against visiting the cell of a serial killer and sex offender. If you want to help a charity, which is the aim of this whole thing, just donate £75 to a good cause.

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