Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on September 25, 2018 at 11:36 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments

I came across this story today. It appears that West Midlands Police are offering members of the public the chance to spend the night in the cell of mass murderer, Fred West.

The Old Bill haven’t gone completely mad. They haven’t resorted to locking innocent people up with murdering psychopaths. For those of you who are either too young to know, or simply too old to remember, Fred West killed himself, before his murder trial, on New Years Day 1995.

Still don’t remember him? What about if I tell you this joke that you surely heard at school, or your place of work… FRED WEST WALKS INTO A BAR. BARMAN ASKS WHAT HE WANTS TO DRINK. FRED REPLIES “I COULD MURDER A TENANTS”. Boom. That joke would have crashed Sickipedia, had the internet been available in 1994.

So, Fred West is dead. Although, as the event is being aimed at ghost-hunters, maybe his spirit lives on? If this is not the case, and there is no Willow the West, are the police guilty of false-advertising?

The ‘promotion’, which many are calling sick, costs £75 per-night. You won’t find this B&B on Four in a Bed.

If £75 is too much money, I would imagine that if you ‘Did a Fred West’, and killed a load of tenants, as well as members of your family, before burying them under the patio, you would gain free admission to the cell. However, your stay would almost certainly be longer than one night. Plus, you’ll share a bunk bed with a horny, 30-stone body builder, called Captain Bam Bam.

For the record, I would not suggest taking the cheap option. I’d also advise against visiting the cell of a serial killer and sex offender. If you want to help a charity, which is the aim of this whole thing, just donate £75 to a good cause.

Posted by sean on February 22, 2018 at 7:26 am in Have I Got News For You with No Comments

Donald Trump’s proposal to reduce gun attacks in schools… introduce more guns into schools.

Posted by sean on February 13, 2018 at 7:44 pm in Animals, Have I Got News For You, Life In Bath with No Comments

As I didn’t blog yesterday, I am making amends, by blogging twice today. You’ve already had my post on the joys of online shopping. My second entry is about animals in the news.

There have been two recent stories, involving wildlife in my local newspaper, The Bath Chronicle. The first should really be one of my worst fears, but I just found it a bit weird. A woman claims that she bought a bunch of bananas from the supermarket, only to find it contained a nest of baby spiders. When she rang up to complain, she was asked “What would you like me to do about it?”

I don’t know what such an experience would have on me. At best, I would be a little peeved and would write a blog about my annoyance. At worst, I would burn the house down in fear. In reality, considering mother spider did not seem to be present, I think it would be somewhere in between the two.

My favourite line from the whole story was from the upset woman “In the meantime, I’ve got spiders crawling all over the house. Well, not all over the house, but they crawled out of the cocoon and onto the cake stand and I don’t know where else they might have crawled.”

Me thinks someone was after compensation and was disappointed when she didn’t get a £40 Sainsbury’s Gift Card. I’m hardly one to criticise her – especially after everything I’ve scabbed from Amazon and Tesco over the years, after their crap service.

The second story in my local rag involved a woman feeding seagulls, inadvertently recreating a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, while causing furious outrage amongst Batholians. As if the locals haven’t had enough to put up with, what with the council changing the bin collection to once a fortnight!

Like with the banana spider babies, the seagull story had some amazing quotes…

“She had carrier bags full of crusts!”
CRUSTS! Not CRUSTS! When will this madness end? Will someone please think of the children?

“Hundreds of birds gathered”
Somebody call the police!

“This madness must stop, especially in the lead-up to the nesting season.”

The final animal story involves lions. Unsurprisingly, this wasn’t in the Bath Chronicle, as lions don’t live in Bath. I was pleased to read a heart-warming story of a poacher being killed and eaten by a pride of lions, in Africa.

I’m not somebody to wish death upon a fellow human, but if you’re that much of a C-U-Next-Tuesday, that you enjoy illegally murdering beautiful wild animals, then forgive me if I take a wry smile if the beasts fight back.

According to the story, only the poacher’s head was left. I hope he tasted nice and that the lions enjoyed their meal.

P-P-P-Pick up a Poacher!

Posted by sean on February 9, 2018 at 10:30 pm in Hamster, Have I Got News For You with No Comments

There have been lots of hamsters in the news lately. Yesterday, I blogged about the hamster who came back from the dead (in a bin). This evening, I have read about an emotional support hamster, who got flushed down the toilet by its owner.

I will never find out if my old hamster, Dennis Wise, was really dead when I put him in the dustbin. One thing I am certain of is, that he was never flushed down the lavatory.

Posted by sean on February 8, 2018 at 11:21 pm in Hamster, Have I Got News For You with No Comments

This story has me worried now. My own pet hamster, Dennis Wise, died in 2010. As I lived in a flat and was unable to bury him, I put his body in the bin. Maybe he wasn’t dead at all!

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