Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on October 12, 2019 at 8:53 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments

Overlooked again…

Maybe I played too much Red Dead Redemption.

Posted by sean on October 6, 2019 at 4:32 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments

This woman is amazing!

“Filthy piece of toerag!” – the best insult I have heard in years. It’s genius…

A toerag is clearly something repulsive, but this old dear doesn’t even class Boris as that. He isn’t even a “toerag”, he’s a “piece of toerag”. A filthy one at that. Brutal.

I haven’t heard the word “toerag” since I was a young child – probably in a Roald Dahl novel. I would like to see the insult brought back into modern society…

Honestly – I would rather be called a c**t than a to***g.

The next time I watch football, I would like to hear a group of boisterous supporters singing “The referee’s a toerag. He wears a toerag hat…”

I want the next Guy Richie gangster movie to use the insult throughout… “You’re dead now, Bazza! You shagged me wife, stole me motor, reported me to the rozzers and cost me a pony! You filthy piece of toerag!”

We could even take the insult overseas. Break America. Does anyone still watch South Park? “Oh my god, they killed Kenny. You toerag!”

I’m bringing it back…

Posted by sean on July 23, 2019 at 7:43 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments

There is never a good Tory, but some are worse than others…

A good way to understand this concept, is to compare them to a virus or disease. I am sure you would rather catch a common cold than rabies.

One is slightly annoying and may make you feel unwell for a few days. The other will cause you to grow gradually more insane, before eating the furniture and dying a slow, painful death.

I was just referring to viruses and not Tory MPs, in case you were wondering.

That is why I didn’t pay much attention to whoever was to win the Tory Leadership Poll – Boris Johnson or Jeremy Hunt. Both are on the Ebola level of Tory.

As we all now know, Boris won it. The bumbling buffoon, who, just half a decade ago, would have had less chance of becoming PM than Mr Bean.

At least he is sticking to his roots, by maintaining the “just don’t give a f**k” look with his hair. I have blondish hair too. I find that if I don’t have it cut for many months and go to bed immediately after taking a shower, I’ll awake to the Boris Johnson look. Shit – have I just revealed his secret? Sorry, Boris.

Finally, did you know “Johnson” is American slang for part of the male anatomy? The Urban Dictionary describes “Johnson” as…



My johnson is large. 

I find this rather ironic, because had we not had a Johnson as our PM tonight, it would have been a

Posted by sean on July 5, 2019 at 7:06 pm in Have I Got News For You with No Comments

I hope his place in heaven is full of horses, milk and Diet Coke.

Posted by sean on July 4, 2019 at 11:24 pm in Animals, Have I Got News For You, Politics with 1 Comment

I couldn’t believe it when I read the news this morning. Jeremy Hunt is prepared to bring back fox hunting. Actually, I can believe it. Jeremy Hunt is a Tory. Not just any Tory. A huge megatron Tory.

Apparently, fox hunting is fine, as it is part of our heritage – according to Jezza.

It has been scientifically proven that foxes show emotions, are intelligent-beings, capable of experiencing fear and pain.

With all this in mind, imagine how a fox would feel, being chased through the countryside (it’s home), by a pack of savage dogs.

Once the fox has been drained of all energy, it will be mauled to death by the hounds. Before the fox’s inevitable demise, the poor creature’s fur and skin will be torn from its body.

With the fox still very much alive, but suffering tremendous pain and terror; the dogs will move onto violently removing the flesh and organs.

Should the fox has still not have perished, it will die within minutes – if not from substantial blood loss, but from catastrophic damage to vital organs.

Anyone with an ounce of humanity will find the barbaric nature of hunting deplorable and totally unjustifiable.

What brings someone to think hunting is a good, fair pastime to be a part of? Studies into serial murderers have revealed that many began killing and torturing animals, years before progressing onto the slaying of people.

Does this mean that those in favour of hunting appear blind to the risk of attracting the next Ian Huntley? A person who finds killing an animal fun, must have some dangerous and unstable morals.

I wonder what the same pro-hunters views would be, if a bunch of teenage yobs, from a council estate were to savagely chase and kill an urban fox, with help from Dwayne’s pet pitbull, while all riding scooters.

I think we all know the answer. How is killing a fox with horses and hounds, different to killing a fox with small motorbikes and a dangerous dog? One group is upper class, the other working class. The contrasts end there. Both parties take part in and enjoy savagely killing a wild animal.

Just to remind you all, based on today’s news, Mr Hunt seems in favour of the barbaric act, because it is part of our heritage.

Here is a list of other horrific things, once part of our “heritage”, but rightly banned and thankfully confined to the history books. Will Mr Hunt be bringing any of these back too?

  • Bear baiting
  • Cock fighting
  • Dog fights
  • Capital punishment
  • Slavery
  • The Jeremy Kyle Show

I threw that last one in for a bit of light-hearted relief. Many of the other examples though, are equally as cruel as fox hunting, so why consider bringing back one blood sport and not another?

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