Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on June 13, 2019 at 10:25 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


It is with happiness and surprise that I am now in a position to report my missing parcel has been found! There was me thinking Hermes had lost or eaten it.

Of course, as this was Hermes, things were not simple…

  • Last night, I received an alert, advising that my parcel would be delivered between 7 and 9pm. Did I mention the email arrived well after 8pm? I’ll give you one guess as to whether or not Hermes managed to deliver…
  • Anyone who guessed that Hermes delivered my parcel before the 9pm television watershed, go and have a look at the IQ Test I found last month. You’re stupid!
  • If you worked out that Hermes were a bunch of shit-houses and didn’t bother with last night’s delivery, well done. Although don’t feel too chuffed – it’s hardly rocket science.

  • I did finally get my parcel! Woo-hoo! My box of crap Leeds United merchandise arrived this morning. I was in work, while Claire had a day off.

  • I am told by my wife, that a Hermes courier posted a card through our letterbox. Unfortunately, the card wasn’t of the ‘apology’ variety, with money in the envelope – although given the rubbish service Hermes provided, such a gesture would be the very least the courier could have done!
  • The card may as well have said ‘F**K YOU’. It advised that a delivery attempt had been made and my parcel had been left in a safe place…
  • Firstly, the doorbell was not rung and there was no knock on the door. How is that a delivery attempt? It was a lie. Claire looked out of the window, to see a courier escaping down our path to his car. Maybe his underwear was getting a bit hot and he needed to put a fire out?
  • Secondly, the parcel was left outside, in the rain, in full view of the street. Hardly a safe place. Liar, liar, pants on fire.
  • That said, there is a strong argument that leaving my package open to the elements and the local thieves, is a safer place than it remaining with a Hermes courier for a minute longer!

Posted by sean on June 12, 2019 at 10:54 pm in Internet with No Comments


A craze, hitting social media at the moment, is to message a celebrity 31 years your seniour and ask for a fight. This is after Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to a punch-out.

I got excited when I realised Michael Keaton was 31 years older than me. This would be like shooting fish in a barrel (for me). I would just run him over using my scooter.

I then got scared when I remembered he played the biggest, baddest and best Batman of all time…

Posted by sean on June 12, 2019 at 6:20 pm in Internet with No Comments


What a perfect gift for Father’s Day! Your dad putting a selection of his bodily fluids into the post, to try and find out who he is related to.

Nothing could possibly go wrong… say, for example, learning that he isn’t your real dad.

That’s one guaranteed way to make the Father’s Day trip to The Hungry Horse pub a tad awkward.

Posted by sean on June 11, 2019 at 9:32 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


Two days on and still no sign of Hermes, with my order. The delivery was supposed to have been made on Friday – that’s four days ago.

If my Hermes package was a child and we lived in the US, it would be branded a missing person and currently be appearing on millions of milk cartons across 50 states.

I have been harassing Hermes – pretty much like in the video below. Except replace ‘spy camera’ with ‘crap merchandise from Leeds United’.

Plus, I am a 37-year-old grown man. The video contains a 10-year-old cartoon child, voiced by a woman.

I also tweeted my complaint. I am sure Bart Simpson would have used social media, to enquire about his spy camera – in between trolling Cheryl Cole and Moe Szyslak – but that episode was created in 1990, and I don’t think it was possible to connect to the internet on a BBC micro computer.

Posted by sean on June 9, 2019 at 9:59 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


I am sure that anyone who has ever ordered anything online and relied upon a courier to deliver their precious goods, has always been extremely satisfied and never encountered any problems.

To many, the following statement may be very shocking…

Hermes are shit.

Hermes are, apparently, a courier company. Lots of online shops use them – one would wonder why, as a shoddy service from the courier, would reflect badly upon the seller.

I have my suspicions why Hermes are still in business and used by so many individuals and retailers. It is the same reason John Cleese’s Basil Fawlty, of Fawlty Towers fame, favours the services of the inept builder, O’Reilly… “because he’s cheap!”.

Unfortunately for me, one of the many companies who make use of Hermes is Leeds United Football Club. As regular readers will know, I am a Leeds fan.

The fact Leeds use Hermes does not really surprise me, considering they managed to completely mess up promotion last season.

I ordered some merchandise from Leeds United recently. I don’t know why – the same effect of displaying the club-branded tack, could have been achieved a lot cheaper and easier, by making myself a hat from a sheet of A4 paper and writing “I AM A MUG” on it.

Anyway, my Leeds United goodies were packaged up and sent on their way from northern to southern England – with Hermes…

To cut a long and boring story short (it’s gone on long enough), take a look at this…

It is one of two Hermes tracking pages for my order.

I’ll be generous and won’t rant about the events of Friday – the day the parcel was originally meant to be delivered – although you would be correct to assume, by reading the note, that the delivery was twice postponed and I was left not knowing what was going on during Friday evening. But I don’t like to go on…

By Saturday afternoon, there was still no delivery and I was starting to get a little peeved – while planning a blog post about the whole ordeal. Every cloud and all that.

I had sent a calm and happy tweet to the Hermes Twitter account. This account seemed to mainly consist of retweets from customers who had praised the service provided by the courier. These retweets contained many replies from other, less happy customers, moaning about their experience.

My tweet politely asked for an update. I am yet to receive a reply. How rude.

I may or may not have sent a further tweet to Hermes, which was less poliet thanthe first.

It was the update at 17:17 where I began to see red. “There’s been a slight delay with your delivery”.

How long is “slight”?

I also suspect the courier, tasked with the job of delivering my parcel, may have told a “slight” porky pie. Look at the second tracking page…

The update I take issue with is again at 17:17 – “Delivery attempt made, allow 24h”.

Claire and I were sat within ear-shot of the front door, so how on earth could a delivery attempt have been made? Unless…

The bit about “allow 24h” is also unfortunately wrong. A day later and still no delivery. Ooops!

Let’s be fair to Hermes. They were shit to me, but they may have been excellent to lots of other customers. Customers who don’t seem to blog or tweet much. Who knows – Hermes may have a Royal Warrant on their delivery vans. Of course, I wouldn’t know as I am yet to see a Hermes van.

Hermes are also not the only courier company, of which I have been unfortunate enough to have had a bad experience with. Yodel were a nightmare when assigned the impossible mission of delivering a wardrobe to our new house from Argos. You can read all about that in past posts.

Hopefully tomorrow will see my Leeds United junk arrive and not another extension to Pinocchio’s nose.

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