Posted by sean on May 23, 2020 at 8:23 am in Animals, Funny Things, Have I Got News For You with No Comments


Humans are stupid. Well not all of them. There are exceptions. For example, I’m not stupid and neither are you for reading my blog.

Believe it or not, this isn’t a rant about the Tory Cabinet or the selfish cretins who are still to grasp the concept of ‘lockdown’ – although those two sets of individuals, especially the latter, are exceptionally moronic.

This is a blog about the low intelligence demonstrated by your typical human being. I have two videos to illustrate my point…

Firstly, this clip taken from somebody’s dashcam as he or she drove down a high street in Sutton, Surrey.

Take note of the queue of traffic in the left-hand lane. With so many cars patiently queuing, surely something special was waiting at the end of the line…

Were the government dishing out free COVID-19 testing kits? Perhaps all the drivers were Catholic, and the Pope had come to bless all his followers during the pandemic. Had Katie Hopkins finally been brought to justice for her racist slurs and was in the stocks having rotten fruit thrown at her?

All of these scenarios would certainly justify the throngs of residents. There hadn’t been this much excitement since HMRC threatened to investigate tax evasion in the SM postal code.

See for yourself what all the fuss was about…

Was it really that long ago when the fast food chain temporarily closed its doors and turned off the deep fat fryers? Clearly it was long enough to cause people to enter a state of elation over the thought of a Filet-O-Fish.

The video is like watching scores of crack addicts dashing to see Trev the local drug dealer, after hearing rumours of a shipment of goodies from Morocco.

Had this clip been from a town in Texas, many of us Brits would be mocking the “stupid, fat yanks”, claiming that they “cannot live without their burgers, fries and sugary drinks”, while coming to the conclusion that “this is why they’re all morbidly obese!”. Maybe it’s time we look closer to home

My second video concerns the intelligence of the human brain compared to one belonging to a bird. NOTE: The above photo relates to the first video, despite being relevant to the previous sentence.

As everyone will know, the country has a problem with rubbish. While most of us are well-trained at recycling and disposing of our waste in the correct manner, you will no doubt have noticed that there are many individuals – known as ‘litter bugs’ – incapable of following the most basic of waste-management tasks. If this is not something that you have observed, you must be one of those litter bugs!

My wife and I do our upmost to recycle wherever possible. As you may remember, I have a neighbour who does not.

It isn’t difficult to put cans into one box, glass into another. Just don’t forget that there is the section for plastic – but never black plastic! The men who take away your recycling will curse you rotten for putting black plastic alongside the milk bottles and yoghurts.

See – even a bird can do it, which is why, when it comes to BIRD BRAIN vs LITTER BUG BRAIN, the bird wins hands (or wings) down!

Posted by sean on May 10, 2020 at 10:38 am in Animals with No Comments


We have been getting a frequent visitor to our garden.

Unfortunately, I think he or she is a little too big for the bird box on our garden wall!

Posted by sean on May 6, 2020 at 7:46 am in Animals with No Comments


The cows in the nearby field clearly managed to read my blog yesterday.

One man and his collie dog were taking a walk in the field, when the herd became agitated and started to approach the fiends invading their space.

The man and his dog soon scarpered. Daisy, Clover and their girls should be very pleased with themselves.

 

Posted by sean on May 5, 2020 at 10:40 am in Animals with 1 Comment


Have you ever noticed that cows are rather stupid animals?

A large herd of the creatures regularly appear in the fields behind our house. It’s nice to see. The view from the bedroom window in our previous home looked over the street and onto a huge chimney at the local hospital.

As I have mentioned on my blog in the past, ‘lockdown’ has resulted in an increased number of ramblers, runners and dog walkers enjoying the countryside.

Claire and I enjoy looking out upon a field full of cattle; as despite having questionable levels of intelligence, they are rather beautiful beasts. We feel privileged to live so close to them.

What upsets us, is when the humans using the fields disturb the herd. All it’ll take is a woman walking a dog, or a jogging MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra) to enter the vicinity of the cattle, for the entire herd to disappear from our sight and not return until the next day.

Why do the cows do this? Excluding animals in zoos and safari parks, cows must be the largest and strongest creatures on British soil. Plus, the fact they live in a herd means that there are loads of them!

If it wanted, I am sure that a single cow could take on a group of people. It wouldn’t even have to hurt them. All it would need to do is moo aggressively for a bit, and if that doesn’t work, run at the annoying humans.

A large group of people? Dogs? No problem. Those cows live as part of a herd. At times there are about twenty of the beasts – surely they could charge at the nasty people invading their field. I am sure any man or woman would run away and never return, if they were to see 15 tonnes of Big Mac stampeding their way.

These guys may be tough, but they have nothing on Daisy and Clover…

If I am nothing else, I am caring. I would love it if my blog could make a difference to someone’s life. As far as I am aware, in the 16 years I have been running this website, I am yet to hear from anyone who has benefited from my posts.

I am therefore hoping that one of the cows in the local herd will locate this blog post and find my suggestions helpful. Then those MAMILs will be in for it!

Before you all start to think that this whole COVID isolation-lark has driven me completely mad, I am well aware how stupid that last bit may sound…

Cows reading my blog? Ha! Of course that’ll never happen. For my idea to work, I’ll need to write my post in a language that a cow can understand…

Moooo moo mooo mo. Mooooo mo mo mo! Mooo mo mo mo mooo mooooo. Moooo moooo mooooo mo mo mo. Moooo moo moooooo mo. Moooo mo moooo mo. Mooooo moooo moooo moooo. Mo mooooo mo mooooo? Mo mooooo mooooo mo mooooo mooooo…

Moo, mo mooo mooo. Moo mo moooooo. Mo moo mooo mooooo moo – mo mooooo mo mo mooooo mooooo. Mo mo mo mooo mooooo mooo moooo mooo mooooo mooooo.

Moooo moo.

That should do the trick.

You’re welcome, cows – “Mooo mo mo, mooo”

Unlike me, Rosetta Stone doesn’t cater for bovines…

Posted by sean on April 24, 2020 at 11:30 pm in Animals, Fun At Home with No Comments


I feel extremely lucky that Claire and I own our own home. Not only because it is a place we can call our own, but the fact our wages are used to pay off the mortgage on our lovely house, and not the mortgage of some landlord living over a hundred miles away in the Midlands.

Our home is very special to us. Had we designed the interior, I am sure that we would have picked many of the features which are already present.

One aspect that my wife and I are both delighted with is the location. True, we both work around the corner from the house; but it is what’s surrounding our home which is one of my favourite aspects of where we live.

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to live somewhere next to… the sea, a train line, or the countryside.

There is no way I can make a claim that the 1995 Blur classic, Country House, was written about me. For one thing, it is 25 years old.

Another more significant factor is that, unlike the man in the song, I don’t live in the country – even the most devious of estate agents would struggle to convince anyone otherwise.

Our back garden is situated in front of Penn Hill Road. This road immediately backs onto fields. These fields connect to the countryside. I’m practically Worzel Gummidge.

What these seven or eight paragraphs are really building up to are the beautiful, warm and clear evenings the nation are enjoying, during our never-ending lockdown.

Like Claire, I am sure many of you were dragged away from your Sky HD boxes, in order to test your knowledge of astrology.

For the past few evenings, Twitter has been promising fascinating sights in the night sky – satellites, meteorites and even shooting stars – were all reported by users of social media and filmed very badly on camera phones…

NOTE TO PATRICK MOORE ENTHUSIASTS: THE iPHONE 8 CAMERA pDOES NOT MAKE A GOOD TELESCOPE!

Claire was pleased to have spotted some of the sightings in the night sky. I think I saw a shooting star, but I was indoors at the time. I still made a wish, but I can’t tell you what it was, otherwise it won’t come true. All I will say is that it didn’t involve Leeds United!

We were equally, if not more, impressed with some of the sights and sounds closer to home – literally!

During her time looking out of the window and standing in the garden, hoping to see some space phenomenon, Claire saw an abundance of wildlife – most notably a fox, an owl and a bat – the latter still guffawing at all the stupid humans for eating his brother.

The owl has been making its beautiful hoots and calls for the last few days. I had trouble sleeping last night, but any frustrations at my insomnia were kept to a minimum, as the wise old bird ‘twit-twooed’ for what seemed like hours.

I think the only person in our household that did not appreciate the owl song was Roman. Given how rabbit is the natural prey of owls – especially a juicy, well-fed house bunny – I’ll let him off for being a bit upset.

Indeed, as I write this blog post, I can hear her calling out across the fields. I’m assuming that this owl is a lady, purely based upon the fact the owl in the cartoon series Animals of Farthing Wood was female.

Incidentally, the owl in the original novel, on which the series is based, was male. Perhaps the one on the kids’ cartoon was hatched as a boy, but now identifies as a hen. Never say that a day every goes by, where I fail to teach you a fascinating fact…

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