Posted by sean on May 6, 2020 at 7:46 am in Animals with No Comments

The cows in the nearby field clearly managed to read my blog yesterday.

One man and his collie dog were taking a walk in the field, when the herd became agitated and started to approach the fiends invading their space.

The man and his dog soon scarpered. Daisy, Clover and their girls should be very pleased with themselves.


Posted by sean on May 5, 2020 at 10:40 am in Animals with 1 Comment

Have you ever noticed that cows are rather stupid animals?

A large herd of the creatures regularly appear in the fields behind our house. It’s nice to see. The view from the bedroom window in our previous home looked over the street and onto a huge chimney at the local hospital.

As I have mentioned on my blog in the past, ‘lockdown’ has resulted in an increased number of ramblers, runners and dog walkers enjoying the countryside.

Claire and I enjoy looking out upon a field full of cattle; as despite having questionable levels of intelligence, they are rather beautiful beasts. We feel privileged to live so close to them.

What upsets us, is when the humans using the fields disturb the herd. All it’ll take is a woman walking a dog, or a jogging MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra) to enter the vicinity of the cattle, for the entire herd to disappear from our sight and not return until the next day.

Why do the cows do this? Excluding animals in zoos and safari parks, cows must be the largest and strongest creatures on British soil. Plus, the fact they live in a herd means that there are loads of them!

If it wanted, I am sure that a single cow could take on a group of people. It wouldn’t even have to hurt them. All it would need to do is moo aggressively for a bit, and if that doesn’t work, run at the annoying humans.

A large group of people? Dogs? No problem. Those cows live as part of a herd. At times there are about twenty of the beasts – surely they could charge at the nasty people invading their field. I am sure any man or woman would run away and never return, if they were to see 15 tonnes of Big Mac stampeding their way.

These guys may be tough, but they have nothing on Daisy and Clover…

If I am nothing else, I am caring. I would love it if my blog could make a difference to someone’s life. As far as I am aware, in the 16 years I have been running this website, I am yet to hear from anyone who has benefited from my posts.

I am therefore hoping that one of the cows in the local herd will locate this blog post and find my suggestions helpful. Then those MAMILs will be in for it!

Before you all start to think that this whole COVID isolation-lark has driven me completely mad, I am well aware how stupid that last bit may sound…

Cows reading my blog? Ha! Of course that’ll never happen. For my idea to work, I’ll need to write my post in a language that a cow can understand…

Moooo moo mooo mo. Mooooo mo mo mo! Mooo mo mo mo mooo mooooo. Moooo moooo mooooo mo mo mo. Moooo moo moooooo mo. Moooo mo moooo mo. Mooooo moooo moooo moooo. Mo mooooo mo mooooo? Mo mooooo mooooo mo mooooo mooooo…

Moo, mo mooo mooo. Moo mo moooooo. Mo moo mooo mooooo moo – mo mooooo mo mo mooooo mooooo. Mo mo mo mooo mooooo mooo moooo mooo mooooo mooooo.

Moooo moo.

That should do the trick.

You’re welcome, cows – “Mooo mo mo, mooo”

Unlike me, Rosetta Stone doesn’t cater for bovines…

Posted by sean on April 24, 2020 at 11:30 pm in Animals, Fun At Home with No Comments

I feel extremely lucky that Claire and I own our own home. Not only because it is a place we can call our own, but the fact our wages are used to pay off the mortgage on our lovely house, and not the mortgage of some landlord living over a hundred miles away in the Midlands.

Our home is very special to us. Had we designed the interior, I am sure that we would have picked many of the features which are already present.

One aspect that my wife and I are both delighted with is the location. True, we both work around the corner from the house; but it is what’s surrounding our home which is one of my favourite aspects of where we live.

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to live somewhere next to… the sea, a train line, or the countryside.

There is no way I can make a claim that the 1995 Blur classic, Country House, was written about me. For one thing, it is 25 years old.

Another more significant factor is that, unlike the man in the song, I don’t live in the country – even the most devious of estate agents would struggle to convince anyone otherwise.

Our back garden is situated in front of Penn Hill Road. This road immediately backs onto fields. These fields connect to the countryside. I’m practically Worzel Gummidge.

What these seven or eight paragraphs are really building up to are the beautiful, warm and clear evenings the nation are enjoying, during our never-ending lockdown.

Like Claire, I am sure many of you were dragged away from your Sky HD boxes, in order to test your knowledge of astrology.

For the past few evenings, Twitter has been promising fascinating sights in the night sky – satellites, meteorites and even shooting stars – were all reported by users of social media and filmed very badly on camera phones…


Claire was pleased to have spotted some of the sightings in the night sky. I think I saw a shooting star, but I was indoors at the time. I still made a wish, but I can’t tell you what it was, otherwise it won’t come true. All I will say is that it didn’t involve Leeds United!

We were equally, if not more, impressed with some of the sights and sounds closer to home – literally!

During her time looking out of the window and standing in the garden, hoping to see some space phenomenon, Claire saw an abundance of wildlife – most notably a fox, an owl and a bat – the latter still guffawing at all the stupid humans for eating his brother.

The owl has been making its beautiful hoots and calls for the last few days. I had trouble sleeping last night, but any frustrations at my insomnia were kept to a minimum, as the wise old bird ‘twit-twooed’ for what seemed like hours.

I think the only person in our household that did not appreciate the owl song was Roman. Given how rabbit is the natural prey of owls – especially a juicy, well-fed house bunny – I’ll let him off for being a bit upset.

Indeed, as I write this blog post, I can hear her calling out across the fields. I’m assuming that this owl is a lady, purely based upon the fact the owl in the cartoon series Animals of Farthing Wood was female.

Incidentally, the owl in the original novel, on which the series is based, was male. Perhaps the one on the kids’ cartoon was hatched as a boy, but now identifies as a hen. Never say that a day every goes by, where I fail to teach you a fascinating fact…

Posted by sean on April 15, 2020 at 11:07 am in Animals with No Comments

Why is it that certain individuals think that social distancing laws don’t apply to them?

Some thoughtless cows were holding a group gathering, within meters of our back garden.

Don’t worry, they’ve since mooved on.

Haven’t they herd the warnings? Clearly they went in one ear and out the udder. I wasn’t amoosed.

If this continues, I will call the police – perhaps they could hold a steak out.

Not liking these cow puns? Clearly you’re laughtose intolerant.

Posted by sean on April 13, 2020 at 11:32 am in Animals, Coronavirus with No Comments

This morning, you’re all in for a treat.

Remember in school when the teacher would wheel out the all-in-one television and video player? Does this jog the old memory?

You would hope that Miss or Sir would put on something good – Geordie Racer was always well-received. Although, even an hour of watching total crap was preferable to reading from a textbook for sixty minutes. Depending on the teacher, there was sometimes the chance to catch a cheeky catnap.

This morning, boys and girls, I have three videos for your enjoyment. I don’t want to hear anybody talking. Also no chewing gum – and pay attention at the back.

In all seriousness, at least two of these three videos are serious – so please take them… well, seriously. Thanks.

Here we go…

Somebody give this woman a medal.

Thankfully, the family in this video appear to be staying at home – although look what their cat dragged in!

Finally, Boris Johnson has left hospital. I am pleased to hear that he has started to make a recovery, as I am equally happy when I learn of anyone who is beating or has beaten COVID-19.

Fair play to him – he sounds generally humbled by his experience and I believe that his words are sincere. Well said, Boris.

As with many areas of life, however, actions speak louder than words. While his speech was heartfelt, I really hope that his ordeal and the pandemic as a whole, changes his and country’s views on the National Health Service.

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