Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on January 9, 2019 at 7:37 am in Fun At Home with No Comments

Those Neighbours From Hell documentaries are good, aren’t they? The stories involving crazy individuals, sharing the same street, while fighting like cats and dogs, can be a little frighting at times.

If you have never watched these shows before, they are a little bit like this…

Mr Smith’s new fence blocks out his neighbour, Mr Green’s sunlight. Mr Green burns down the fence.

Mrs Wallis allows her dog, Pebbles, to do his business in Mr Walker’s garden. Mr Walker shoots the dog.

Miss Evans has had a new baby. It cries at night and disturbs her neighbour, Mr Mitchell. I think you know what happened next.

What are these people like? How we laughed!

I have my own troublesome neighbour story. You won’t see me on Channel 5 anytime soon, though. Thankfully, I have been raised to believe that it is wrong to burn down fences and kill family pets.

If I was to have a rivalry with a neighbour, it would be on more of a Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders level. When I say that, I’m on about pre-Season 4 Simpsons; where “heck” was considered swearing and Bart cheating on an IQ Test, was thought to be pushing the boundaries of television decency.

The rivalry started some time ago, when we took in an Amazon delivery for our neighbour. Expecting them to collect their parcel, we left it at the bottom of our stairs for days.

After an entire week, the package was still uncollected and by this point, was starting to gather dust. We decided to do the neighbourly thing, don our courier uniform and deliver the unclaimed box to them. Upon taking it from us, they sheepishly muttered a few words of gratitude.

We let the Amazon issue go and moved on with our lives. However, I was drawn to blog by another act of heinous cheek…

Nobody knows when their rubbish and recycling boxes are going to be collected. It’s the same every January. As the bin men are given Christmas and New Year off, they have to play catch-up, until what feels like Easter.

Monday was bin day. The night before, Claire, Roman and I were happily watching some nitwit blow £93,000 on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, when we heard a noise outside. While Roman and me – the two men of the household – stayed indoors, safe and warm, my brave wife went outside to investigate…

Somebody had placed one of their rubbish bags in our bin! Based upon previous incidents, along with the fact “Flanders” had his front room lights on, the Mulder and Scully in us determined the bin bag fairy was our favourite neighbour!

Why we will never hire a skip

For almost two years, the people of Bath have been limited to just one wheely bin a fortnight, to dispose of their rubbish. While this decision caused outrage and lots of angry letters to the local newspaper, Claire and I didn’t have a problem.

Being a pair of goody-two-shoes, we recycle almost anything that is possible to recycle. Therefore, one wheely bin is generally enough for us – although, admittedly, Claire did take a few bags to the local tip, due to the extended period we faced over Christmas, with no collection.

Like us, all our other neighbours found a way to deal with their Christmas rubbish. So why is Ned Flanders an exception to the rule?

I don’t want to sound like Victor Meldrew – although I know that writing a massive blog on the subject, doesn’t look good for me. I appreciate that people do run out of space in their bin. So why don’t they fecking ask?

Had Flanders shown us some common courtesy, rang our doorbell and asked if he could use our bin, we honestly would have allowed him to (although I cannot guarantee that I wouldn’t have blogged about it).

Maybe next time we will leave a mad fox in the bin – a nice surprise for any unsuspecting Bin Bag Fairy. Or maybe we’ll just completely fill the bin with our rubbish.

Posted by sean on November 5, 2018 at 11:27 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

We were relatively unscathed by fireworks this year. There is a good reason why 2018 has given me cause for concern over those pretty bombs people are buying.

My worry has nothing to do with safety. Although if fireworks had been introduced as a new invention nowadays, their creator would be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay quicker than Donald Trump on his way to judge a water-boarding contest.

Think about it. Fireworks are being sold with the intention of parents detonating explosives in their garden, in front of their impressionable kids. There’s your radicalisation of minors, right there – and as for burning Guy Fawkes on a fire…

No. My worry this year is about Roman and how he would react to the loud bangs. Some local moron let off a firework in September and he was left traumatised.

Luckily, it would appear that people can’t afford fireworks this year – lets blame Brexit – so either stayed at home, watching Strictly Come Dancing, or ventured into town for a professional display. If Brexit has indeed left people so poor that they can no longer afford to buy gunpowder, I think that I have discovered the first positive in leaving The EU.

No money means no fireworks, and no fireworks means no problems for our bunny. I think the late rapper, Notorious B.I.G. best described this situation when he said “Mo Money, Mo Problems”.

The only time I heard any real fireworks of note was at about 2.30am at the weekend. What arsehole lets them off then? Besides waking me up, there waa no harm done. I even checked Roman on the webcam. He was fine. As for Claire, she slept through it all. My friend, the tawny owl, was also heard for the first time since winter – either that, or they now make fireworks which go “twit twoo” instead of bang.

So that’s it. Bonfire Night over for another year, with no real events at all. How did I managed to blog 361 words about bugger all?

Mind you, saying nothing happened isn’t strictly true yet – there’s another 33 minutes left before midnight in the UK and over 5 and a half hours in Washington DC. Shit…

Posted by sean on October 31, 2018 at 11:12 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

We had no trick or treaters this year. Not one. Zilch.

I can hardly complain – Claire brought chocolates to dish out to any kids who came calling. Considering we now have two spare boxes, it would be rude not to make use of them!

Also, it’s a good thing that I didn’t invest in this mask…



Posted by sean on October 27, 2018 at 11:38 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

There are three certainties in life – death, taxes and that on the first cold snap of the year, your boiler will pack in.

Luckily, we make monthly contributions to the British Gas Board of Directors Christmas Party Fund. In return, they send somebody out to fix our boiler, when it breaks.

I must admit, I was a little disappointed when the gas man turned up. I’ve seen the TV adverts and was expecting this…

This was not what I got. There wasn’t much wrong with the engineer. Your typical manual labourer – middle aged, balding and with an arse crack which kept appearing at the top of his trousers, every time he bent over.

The problem was the bloody penguin he brought with him. It had no coat or backpack, like on the advert. Plus, the poor creature must have been petrified, as it wouldn’t stop screeching. It also shat everywhere.

The gas man stayed in our front room for almost two hours. The boiler fault must have been difficult to fix, or he was just a big Jeff Stelling fan and was dragging the job out, as Claire and I were watching Soccer Ssturday at the time.

The front panel was taken off the boiler, which suggested all was not well. Either that or he just removed the cover for effect. Before leaving to collect a part from his van, he did warn us that there were live wires on display – which is exactly what a gas man wishing to exaggerate the seriousness of a fault would say.

I was actually glad it took him so long. Had he just turned up and told us that we had forgotten to plug the boiler in, or something equally stupid, I’d have felt like a right tit!

Despite having a builder’s bum and a shitting Pingu, the gas man did a great job. Not only did he restore our heating, but he gave us a new toy – a fancy remote control for the boiler. Who needs Red Dead Redemption 2, when you can increase the room temperature from 22 to 24 degrees Celsius, from the comfort of your sofa! Christmas has come early.

Posted by sean on October 16, 2018 at 9:12 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

Tomorrow I return to work, after a long term absence, due to sickness. That is why, from this day forward, 16th October will forever be known as “Return To Work Eve”. Please add this. to your calendars and diaries.

During my time off a number of things happened to me. Some of these things may be classed as “events”, others even “achievements”. Most are just “a waste of time”.

I’ll let you be the judge of which is which…

  1. Went for a ride in an ambulance.
  2. Stayed in hospital for almost 3 weeks.
  3. Learnt to hate physiotherapists,
  4. Came home from hospital and rode the ambulance again.
  5. Consumed approximately 3,994 tablets.
  6. Did the majority of my Christmas shopping.
  7. Blogged 75 times.
  8. Watched nearly every episode of The US Office*
  9. Found out that I’m underweight and need to get eating.
  10. Ate approximately 10kg of ice lollies and Slush Puppies.
  11. Discovered that Calippos are not fattening.
  12. Paid a vet to remove my pet rabbit’s bo##ocks.
  13. Stopped eating meat**
  14. Played a part in the demise of 3 spiders.
  15. Discovered DVDs and YouTube videos of a very geeky subject – Train Driver’s-View Cab Rides.***
  16. Found that somebody, something or (most likely) me, killed my blog.
  17. Resurrected my blog.
  18. Watched England win a penalty shootout, from a hospital bed, on my mobile phone, with headphones.
  19. Paid for a Royal Wedding.
  20. Got far too hot in a heatwave.
  21. Bought a fan,
  22. Used the fan in hospital, without it being PAT Tested (naughty, naughty).
  23. Received a ‘Like’ from Ricky Gervais for a tweet which I made.
  24. Saw a rat in my garden.
  25. Rented 62 DVDs and BluRays from Cinema Paradiso ****
  26. Tweeted 127 times.
  27. Found out that Quorn Tikka Massala has the tastiest sauce ever.
  28. Ordered a takeaway from Deliveroo for the first time ever.
  29. Won £100 on a scratch card. *****
  30. Bought the most embarrassing shirt ever. I love it.
  31. Spent over £150 on stickers.
  32. Had a haircut.
  33. Watched some God-awful film about a shark.
  34. Created a veggie-friendly Big Mac.
  35. Watched 1,000 episodes of ‘Keeping Up Appearances’, with Claire. ******

* I gave up early into the final season. The show lost nearly all its humour after Steve Carell left.

** Contrary to rumours, I did not consume any of Roman’s manhood (See pt.12), leading me to vegetarianism. The vet didn’t even offer me any.

*** Can you tell that by this point, I was getting desperate to get back to work?

**** 31 of these discs were Claire’s….
Can you guess who picked what, from “Raggy Dolls” and “Jack Reacher”?
You’re all wrong – I ordered Raggy Dolls!

***** Technically this was Claire’s card, but we always split our winnings.

****** It certainly felt like 1,000. I know the Mrs. Fortescue episode word-for-word.

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