Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on January 2, 2020 at 8:36 am in Fun At Home with No Comments

Claire spent her New Years Day in Chippenham.

Before you ask, she wasn’t exiled to the Wiltshire town for bad behaviour – it was her choice to go!

The reason for her visit, was to support Bath City, in the big local derby against Chippenham Town. Considering City won, it was worth the trip.

As it was impossible for me to accompany my wife, a babysitter had to be found to look after me (I can’t be trusted to be left alone).

After Roman refused to help, we had to look elsewhere…

Posted by sean on December 10, 2019 at 8:51 pm in Fun At Home with 1 Comment

This week has felt as if I am living next door to a building site. The new neighbours have certainly made their presence known. All day long, I have been subjected to crash, bangs and wallops.

If I was on holiday in a hotel, and not at home, I would be one of those poor sods on Watchdog, complaining that the excessive noise not only ruined their two week break, but their entire life, resulting in clinical depression and their left leg going septic.

What on earth could my neighbours be doing, spending all this time, making all that noise? Claire is under the impression that they’re having their bathroom renovated; although given the persistent din of hammers and drills, you would be forgiven for thinking that the Sistine Chapel was being recreated, in their semi-detached, two bed house.

I hope that my neighbours have planning permission to build this…

I am yet to decide what I should do about the noise problem. One option is to, of course, ignore the sound of the building work, safe in the knowledge that it should eventually cease, once Bob the Builder has finished whatever project he has been assigned.

The alternative to the mature, good natured approach, is to return the favour by making a racket myself. If I did chose to go down the revenge route, I would need a way of generating a similar level of noise myself.

How this noise can be achieved, is the million dollar question. Carrying out building work myself is not exactly original. Plus I would have to pay a craftsman to knock a wall down, or something equally destructive. I like our house, so wouldn’t be too happy about any walls being torn down.

Loud music is always an option. I believe that death metal is a particularly unpleasant genre. I am sure that there are various play lists on Spotify. You never know, there might even be a compilation CD – THE BEST DEATH METAL ALBUM IN THE WORLD… EVER.

As with the plan to seek revenge with building work of my own, the death metal idea is also flawed. I can’t recall ever listening to such music, but something tells me that I won’t like it and it’ll probably cause my ears to bleed. That is never good. I have enough health issues at the moment and don’t want to add to them with bleeding ears. Perhaps death metal isn’t the way forward.

My third and final plan to seek revenge, is to borrow a very large dog. I may not know a lot about dogs, but I know that if you lock one in a room for a long period of time, it will bark excessively. A dog barking throughout the day and night is bound to drive my new neighbours crazy!

Unsurprisingly, this third idea is even more problematic than the first two… I am rather scared of dogs, I don’t know anyone who could lend me one and most importantly, locking a dog in a room is rather cruel. Despite being a little frightened of them, I would never harm a dog.

Looks like I’ll have to be the bigger man – ironic, considering my height – and sit back, patiently waiting for the noise from next door to cease. Either that, or I’ll telephone the police.

Posted by sean on December 2, 2019 at 6:08 pm in Christmas, Fun At Home with 1 Comment

With Sunday spelling the first day of December, it was time for us to put up the Christmas tree. Claire and I have always been of the belief that the tree should be enjoyed and brought out at the earliest opportunity.

We are certainly not one of those couples who follow traditions and wait until 12 days before the big day, or heaven forbid, 24th December, as some websites claim is the correct length of time to wait.

Christmas comes, but once a year, as the saying goes – therefore I believe if it makes you feel good, put up your tree at the start of December. Heck, why not get the tinsel out in June, if you want to!

Anyway, this is our tree – expertly unboxed and plugged in by Claire. What do you think?

There’s no need to be polite. It’s shit.

How in the hell we were happy with this during the last two Christmases, I have no idea. Suffice to say, within minutes of the tree going up, we were on the Argos website, looking for something better. We didn’t really need to check Argos for an upgrade – we have plenty of twigs in the back garden, which would do a better job than that sorry excuse for a tree in the photo.

There were some beautiful and huge trees available. We had to be careful not to buy one too large, for fear of it not fitting in our front room. Plus, some were so realistic, we would probably end up with a territorial robin flying in through an open window and building a nest.

The robin would then attack anyone brave enough to go downstairs. We would be forced to sell the house and move out – or worse, buy a cat to kill the aggressive bird. While we would be free of the robin, we would be stuck with a pet cat that we don’t want. They can live for over 15 years, which would be a fecking nightmare.

In the end, we went for a five-footer (tree, not cat). This would fit nicely in the corner; plus, thanks to the fact I have been shrunk by scoliosis, the tree would still be taller than me!

Claire put the new tree together, although ran into trouble when it came to attaching the feet to the base. In the past, we have had notorious problems with constructing the base for artificial trees.

I have previously been able to save the day, by jamming the feet in really hard, hitting the base against items of furniture and generally shouting profanities at it.

Thanks to me selfishly breaking both arms, I couldn’t help Claire this year, although was able to offer advice, as well as swear at the stupid thing, while waiting lying on my back in bed.

Why oh why are these tree bases so difficult to put together? Do Argos expect us to purchase an industrial sledgehammer, along with the tree?

In the end, we settled for placing all four legs into the base, but rather loosely. Therefore, should anyone wish to start a sweepstake on when our tree will come tumbling down, feel free. Put me down for 9th December.

Luckily, the rest of the tree allowed Claire to put it together without any more problems! That left one final task… the official turning on of the Kitson’s Christmas Tree Lights.

We wanted to find a celebrity to perform the honours for us. Unfortunately Caitlyn Jenner, who had last year promised to help us out, is busy in Ant and Dec’s jungle. Oh well. Maybe next year…

Here is the tree in all it’s glory.

What do you think? Anyone who says “shit” can piss off.

Merry Christmas and goodwill to all men…

Posted by sean on November 1, 2019 at 2:14 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

Claire has messaged me to say that we may have new neighbours. The house next door to us has been empty for the past few months, but there has been a lot of noise today, suggesting it could be move in day for somebody.

A nice lady had previously lived there. She was quiet, kept herself to herself, but was always friendly when we met in the street. It would be hard to guess an accurate age for her, but I would say about early 70s.

We believe that she started to become unwell, as friends, neighbours and even nurses had been seen entering her house.

One day, she disappeared. We do not know why, or where she went. Her house was put on the market and a small group of people, presumably her family, were seen and heard in and around her home.

I do hope she is happy and well, wherever she may be.

I am keeping everything crossed that our new neighbours are as good as the last one. Students or pet dogs would be a bad sign, as they bring noise.

A couple like Claire and I would be perfect. Due to our jobs, we are too tired for the student lifestyle, so wouldn’t frequent nightclubs and return home intoxicated at three in the morning. We also have a pet rabbit. Bunnies, of course, are not famous for barking or making other kinds of noise.

With new neighbours, there is always a risk of conflict. I do hope that we don’t end up with a Victor and Patrick rivalry, as seen in One Foot in the Grave – although it would inevitably result in many hilarious scenarios, which would appear on here.

Posted by sean on September 9, 2019 at 10:46 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

Last night, I had a bizarre dream. I am aware this is the second one in the space of a few weeks. Maybe I should lay off the BabyBel before bed.

This dream was totally different to the one from last month, which involved me attempting to configure Amazon Prime on a Smart TV.

Gabrielle may have once sung how “dreams can come true”, but in this instance, they definitely won’t.

I dreamt that I had discovered the football manager, David Moyes, had been responsible for the kidnapping of Madeleine McCann.

Now, before I write any further, I would like to get one thing straight.

I know that a lot of sick jokes have been made about the child’s disappearance in 2007.

I am also aware that David Moyes is often the victim of a lot of football “banter” (I hate that word).

Unlike the McCann jokes, which are always unacceptable, I have seen some very humorous material online, made at poor Dave’s expense.

This blog post is recounting a strange dream I had. It is not an attempt to, in any way, laugh at or upset David Moyes.

Dreams are not real. If they were, I would own Leeds United, keep thousands of bunnies and frequently crash canal boats.

Confused? Study this.

Understand now? Good.

David Moyes did not kidnap Madeleine McCann… although he did in my dream…  but that wasn’t real.

You may be wondering who the slightly balding, bespectacled gentleman in the photo is.

This is the hero behind Leeds United’s rival – Marcelo Bielsa. I may have mentioned him on here once or twice… OK, maybe a bit more than that.

In my dream about David Moyes and Madeleine McCann (remember, a DREAM, not REAL), upon my discovery of the kidnapping, I ran to alert Bielsa, who, presumably was some sort of detective.

The fact I could run, just shows how unreal my dream was – not to mention the fact that Marcelo had somehow become some kind of Sherlock Holmes.

I cannot recall if or how David Moyes was apprehended, although I do know that I had to ride a zipwire.


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