Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on November 1, 2019 at 2:14 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

Claire has messaged me to say that we may have new neighbours. The house next door to us has been empty for the past few months, but there has been a lot of noise today, suggesting it could be move in day for somebody.

A nice lady had previously lived there. She was quiet, kept herself to herself, but was always friendly when we met in the street. It would be hard to guess an accurate age for her, but I would say about early 70s.

We believe that she started to become unwell, as friends, neighbours and even nurses had been seen entering her house.

One day, she disappeared. We do not know why, or where she went. Her house was put on the market and a small group of people, presumably her family, were seen and heard in and around her home.

I do hope she is happy and well, wherever she may be.

I am keeping everything crossed that our new neighbours are as good as the last one. Students or pet dogs would be a bad sign, as they bring noise.

A couple like Claire and I would be perfect. Due to our jobs, we are too tired for the student lifestyle, so wouldn’t frequent nightclubs and return home intoxicated at three in the morning. We also have a pet rabbit. Bunnies, of course, are not famous for barking or making other kinds of noise.

With new neighbours, there is always a risk of conflict. I do hope that we don’t end up with a Victor and Patrick rivalry, as seen in One Foot in the Grave – although it would inevitably result in many hilarious scenarios, which would appear on here.

Posted by sean on September 9, 2019 at 10:46 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

Last night, I had a bizarre dream. I am aware this is the second one in the space of a few weeks. Maybe I should lay off the BabyBel before bed.

This dream was totally different to the one from last month, which involved me attempting to configure Amazon Prime on a Smart TV.

Gabrielle may have once sung how “dreams can come true”, but in this instance, they definitely won’t.

I dreamt that I had discovered the football manager, David Moyes, had been responsible for the kidnapping of Madeleine McCann.

Now, before I write any further, I would like to get one thing straight.

I know that a lot of sick jokes have been made about the child’s disappearance in 2007.

I am also aware that David Moyes is often the victim of a lot of football “banter” (I hate that word).

Unlike the McCann jokes, which are always unacceptable, I have seen some very humorous material online, made at poor Dave’s expense.

This blog post is recounting a strange dream I had. It is not an attempt to, in any way, laugh at or upset David Moyes.

Dreams are not real. If they were, I would own Leeds United, keep thousands of bunnies and frequently crash canal boats.

Confused? Study this.

Understand now? Good.

David Moyes did not kidnap Madeleine McCann… although he did in my dream…  but that wasn’t real.

You may be wondering who the slightly balding, bespectacled gentleman in the photo is.

This is the hero behind Leeds United’s rival – Marcelo Bielsa. I may have mentioned him on here once or twice… OK, maybe a bit more than that.

In my dream about David Moyes and Madeleine McCann (remember, a DREAM, not REAL), upon my discovery of the kidnapping, I ran to alert Bielsa, who, presumably was some sort of detective.

The fact I could run, just shows how unreal my dream was – not to mention the fact that Marcelo had somehow become some kind of Sherlock Holmes.

I cannot recall if or how David Moyes was apprehended, although I do know that I had to ride a zipwire.


Posted by sean on September 3, 2019 at 7:38 am in Fun At Home with 1 Comment

Our new Simba mattress stinks! Some of you may ask what we expected, purchasing a mattress named after a wild animal.

We first noticed the smell upon unpacking the thing. It is certainly an unusual aroma – definitely manufactured. We even described it as nice at the time.

The smell lingered, but appeared to be dispersing. By early morning, I awoke stupidly early at 5am, feeling very sick.

My initial thoughts were “Great. A vomiting and shitting bug. That’s all I need”. As I slowly awoke, gaining realisation that the contents of my stomach and bowel were content to remain where they were, I discovered the chemical smell from Simba had become an overpowering stench!

We sleep with the bedroom door closed. Therefore, maybe rather naively, the room was not being ventilated while we slept. Coupled with the fact that yesterday evening was a bit on the chilly side, causing me to wrap myself up in the duvet, only to awake overheated, as if my bed was on fire.

This is thanks to this morning’s weather deciding it would give us another warm day, despite September well and truly being upon us. The hot weather is like a drunk girl at a party. All sensible people have had enough of her and wish she would just leave, so that they can chill with the cool new girl, Autumn; but Pisshead Summer won’t get the hint and go home…

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that this morning, I woke up too hot, which contributed to making me feel nauseous.

Luckily, all was fixed by opening the bedroom door for a bit and returning to sleep. I now feel my old self and should therefore really stop blogging, climb off of Simba and get ready for work!

Posted by sean on August 19, 2019 at 7:29 pm in Fun At Home with 1 Comment

Some people say that our dreams have deep meanings, relating things we are unaware of. The only meaning behind my dreams are that I am bloody mad – especially after Saturday night…

I was forced to wake Claire up. It was about 3am on Sunday morning. My decision to awaken my wife at this time was not taken lightly, especially as she had to get up for work in under 3 hours.

A strap from my BiPap facemask had come off. I must wear this mask every night, to keep me breathing nicely. Reattaching the strap is difficult enough at the best of times, let alone when it’s pitch black and I am unable to see what I am doing. Claire, being the kind wife that she is, fixed the mask, despite being in a daze herself, before immediately returning to sleep – there wasn’t even time to thank or say that I love her.

Not exactly this type of face mask

The strap had become detached because of me. I had ripped it off. In my defence, I was asleep at the time, with the mishap occurring as a result of a dream.

I had spent much of Saturday watching Amazon Prime Video on our Smart TV. In case you were wondering, that really happened – we’ve not reached the bit about my dream yet.

A six-part documentary about Leeds United had been released the previous day and with Claire working all weekend, I was keen to have one of those ‘series binges’ so many people go on about, as if it is an achievement and something to be proud of.

It wasn’t that long ago, that if you were to sit down for six hours, watching back-to-back episodes of a television series, you would be called a ‘couch potato’, or worse, a ‘fat, lazy shit’

Anyway, I must have over indulged a little too much, as it affected my dreams! No, I didn’t dream about Leeds United’s failure last season (the basis of the documentary). That would have resulted in me removing my eye balls from their sockets, never mind a facemask strap.

I dreamt that I was setting up the Amazon Prime app on my Smart TV. See – I told you that my dreams mean that I am mentally unstable! Instead of using a television remote control, to enter a username and password, like in real life, I had to turn a plastic knob, very similar to the one attached to our central heating boiler. See – totally off my trolley!

This must have been a very realistic dream, as I clearly had a need to turn a real-life knob. Obviously I don’t sleep with the such a tool next to the bed, so in my wakeless state, I clearly reached for whatever was close to hand.

It just so happens that, in our bed, the thing which most resembles a knob is a clip, attached to a strap on my BiPap mask.

This is what led me to turning the clip until… guess what? If you said that I started dreaming that I was watching Amazon Prime Video, you’re an idiot. What obviously happened, was half the mask became detached from my head, resulting in a strange noise, filtered air blowing into my eyes and a lot of confusion on my part. Oh, and I woke up.

I actually have history of this kind of behaviour. Many years ago, I dreamt that I was on a canal boat. I took a holiday on one in August 2005 (if you’re interested, there are many blog posts from that time!). In my dream, I was steering the boat, when it became out of control.

I panicked and tried to force the break to work. Instead of forcing a break lever, I was pushing and pulling against a table football set, under the bed. The table must have been relatively cheap, as it was made from chipboard. As a result, one side of the table snapped off.

I woke up, the canal boat was saved and didn’t get damaged, but a previously working table football set did. I guess this latest episode of ‘sleep madness’ went rather well by comparison. Nothing was broken, apart from the sleep of Claire and me.

I’ve already told you what happened next. My wife saved the day. I then went back to sleep for the rest of the night, but not before jotting down what had happened, as I knew I would otherwise forget.

See, even in the middle of the night, I was thinking about what would make a good blog post. I’m so good to you!

Posted by sean on July 17, 2019 at 9:20 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

LEGAL: To avoid getting sued for this blog post, I must state that all opinions stated below are based solely on my experience. Any statements from other sources are clearly identified as quotes.

When Claire and I bought our home in 2017, I thought that we were moving into a nice neighbourhood. Our charming three-bedroom house, located away from the roadside is blissful. Our neighbours are lovely too (OK, with one exception), keeping themselves to themselves, but always friendly when we meet on the communal pretty cul-de-sac.

Why is it then, that upon arriving home from work, I found that some toad had posted a dog turd through my letterbox?

I think that I had better explain myself. When I mention a “dog turd”, I am referring to my unpleasant find in the metaphorical sense.

No disease-ridden animal faeces had come anywhere near our house – although to someone like me, who requires daily medication to stay alive, the discovery was just as dangerous.

I assume, after that build up, that you want to see the hazardous widget, which I was ‘gifted’…

I know what you’re thinking. A letter. A chain letter at that. All rather innocuous. It is, assuming you pick up the envelope and place it in your paper recycling bin, ensuring the refuse collectors take it away at the next opportunity (in my case, Friday).

The problems start when you open the envelope. If you are stupid enough to sign up for the service, then God help you…

I am talking about Pharmacy2U. They originally sucked me in with the reassuring NHS logo on the envelope – something which angers my GP, who once told me that the company is in no way affiliated with the National Health Service.

I was fooled by them a few years ago. After my mobility became increasingly poor, making visiting the chemist near-impossible, I felt that I had no option but to approach a pharmacy who could deliver my many daily medications to my front door. This is something Pharmacy2U promised.

They failed.

Lots of times.

I sent their customer service department emails on a number of occasions, over many months. I would have rang, but their telephone lines were so busy, it would have been easier for me to limp my way to their head office in Leeds and ask to see somebody face-to-face.

The reasons for my exasperated communications, primary revolved around missing or severely delayed medication. Despite receiving the presectiption from my GP surgery, I experienced frequently late deliveries.

Pharmacy2U did have an excuse – one of the many medications I had ordered was out of stock. Sigh.

So many questions – not least, how could a major pharmaceutical company get to the stage where they were out of stock in the first place?

Why did it take so many days to order new stock?

If 1 of my 8 items (for example) was unavailable, why couldn’t the other 7 be posted to me, while they wait for the tablets which have gone astray to return?

I informed Pharmacy2U that the delayed medication was crucial to my health and well-being. They didn’t care. I may as well have said that I required the drugs as I liked the colours on the small, shiny capsules.

I was told that if I required my medication so urgently, I should ask my GP for another prescription and collect the life-saving drugs myself – thus totally defeating the reason for using a mail order pharmacy in the first place!

Thankfully, I am no longer a customer of Pharmacy2U. It was a hard break up. Hard for them, I was over the bloody moon.

Despite me telling them it was over, they kept bombarding me with prescription reminders.

On hindsight, I should have played them that song by The Streets, about getting dumped by a girl…

Dry your eyes mate,
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,
but you’ve got to walk away now, its over…

Of course, my bad experience could be just that – my bad experience. All their other customers could be delighted with the service received. I may have been unlucky.

Then again, a simple search on Google for the offending pharmacy revealed this…

Is Pharmacy2U safe?

Pharmacy2U does not provide ‘safe, effective or well-led services’ in accordance with regulations, the Care Quality Commission (CQC) has found. In the report published on 29 June, inspectors listed several areas where the company must make improvements such as patient consent and emergency medical protocols.

29 Jun 2017

After today and the nappy in the bin (see earlier hyperlink), I hope that’s the end of dirty, unwanted gifts. Then again, they say things come in threes. Maybe I’ll get sent this…

Mein Kampf for the Instagram generation.

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