Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on November 5, 2018 at 11:27 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

We were relatively unscathed by fireworks this year. There is a good reason why 2018 has given me cause for concern over those pretty bombs people are buying.

My worry has nothing to do with safety. Although if fireworks had been introduced as a new invention nowadays, their creator would be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay quicker than Donald Trump on his way to judge a water-boarding contest.

Think about it. Fireworks are being sold with the intention of parents detonating explosives in their garden, in front of their impressionable kids. There’s your radicalisation of minors, right there – and as for burning Guy Fawkes on a fire…

No. My worry this year is about Roman and how he would react to the loud bangs. Some local moron let off a firework in September and he was left traumatised.

Luckily, it would appear that people can’t afford fireworks this year – lets blame Brexit – so either stayed at home, watching Strictly Come Dancing, or ventured into town for a professional display. If Brexit has indeed left people so poor that they can no longer afford to buy gunpowder, I think that I have discovered the first positive in leaving The EU.

No money means no fireworks, and no fireworks means no problems for our bunny. I think the late rapper, Notorious B.I.G. best described this situation when he said “Mo Money, Mo Problems”.

The only time I heard any real fireworks of note was at about 2.30am at the weekend. What arsehole lets them off then? Besides waking me up, there waa no harm done. I even checked Roman on the webcam. He was fine. As for Claire, she slept through it all. My friend, the tawny owl, was also heard for the first time since winter – either that, or they now make fireworks which go “twit twoo” instead of bang.

So that’s it. Bonfire Night over for another year, with no real events at all. How did I managed to blog 361 words about bugger all?

Mind you, saying nothing happened isn’t strictly true yet – there’s another 33 minutes left before midnight in the UK and over 5 and a half hours in Washington DC. Shit…

Posted by sean on October 31, 2018 at 11:12 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

We had no trick or treaters this year. Not one. Zilch.

I can hardly complain – Claire brought chocolates to dish out to any kids who came calling. Considering we now have two spare boxes, it would be rude not to make use of them!

Also, it’s a good thing that I didn’t invest in this mask…



Posted by sean on October 27, 2018 at 11:38 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

There are three certainties in life – death, taxes and that on the first cold snap of the year, your boiler will pack in.

Luckily, we make monthly contributions to the British Gas Board of Directors Christmas Party Fund. In return, they send somebody out to fix our boiler, when it breaks.

I must admit, I was a little disappointed when the gas man turned up. I’ve seen the TV adverts and was expecting this…

This was not what I got. There wasn’t much wrong with the engineer. Your typical manual labourer – middle aged, balding and with an arse crack which kept appearing at the top of his trousers, every time he bent over.

The problem was the bloody penguin he brought with him. It had no coat or backpack, like on the advert. Plus, the poor creature must have been petrified, as it wouldn’t stop screeching. It also shat everywhere.

The gas man stayed in our front room for almost two hours. The boiler fault must have been difficult to fix, or he was just a big Jeff Stelling fan and was dragging the job out, as Claire and I were watching Soccer Ssturday at the time.

The front panel was taken off the boiler, which suggested all was not well. Either that or he just removed the cover for effect. Before leaving to collect a part from his van, he did warn us that there were live wires on display – which is exactly what a gas man wishing to exaggerate the seriousness of a fault would say.

I was actually glad it took him so long. Had he just turned up and told us that we had forgotten to plug the boiler in, or something equally stupid, I’d have felt like a right tit!

Despite having a builder’s bum and a shitting Pingu, the gas man did a great job. Not only did he restore our heating, but he gave us a new toy – a fancy remote control for the boiler. Who needs Red Dead Redemption 2, when you can increase the room temperature from 22 to 24 degrees Celsius, from the comfort of your sofa! Christmas has come early.

Posted by sean on October 16, 2018 at 9:12 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

Tomorrow I return to work, after a long term absence, due to sickness. That is why, from this day forward, 16th October will forever be known as “Return To Work Eve”. Please add this. to your calendars and diaries.

During my time off a number of things happened to me. Some of these things may be classed as “events”, others even “achievements”. Most are just “a waste of time”.

I’ll let you be the judge of which is which…

  1. Went for a ride in an ambulance.
  2. Stayed in hospital for almost 3 weeks.
  3. Learnt to hate physiotherapists,
  4. Came home from hospital and rode the ambulance again.
  5. Consumed approximately 3,994 tablets.
  6. Did the majority of my Christmas shopping.
  7. Blogged 75 times.
  8. Watched nearly every episode of The US Office*
  9. Found out that I’m underweight and need to get eating.
  10. Ate approximately 10kg of ice lollies and Slush Puppies.
  11. Discovered that Calippos are not fattening.
  12. Paid a vet to remove my pet rabbit’s bo##ocks.
  13. Stopped eating meat**
  14. Played a part in the demise of 3 spiders.
  15. Discovered DVDs and YouTube videos of a very geeky subject – Train Driver’s-View Cab Rides.***
  16. Found that somebody, something or (most likely) me, killed my blog.
  17. Resurrected my blog.
  18. Watched England win a penalty shootout, from a hospital bed, on my mobile phone, with headphones.
  19. Paid for a Royal Wedding.
  20. Got far too hot in a heatwave.
  21. Bought a fan,
  22. Used the fan in hospital, without it being PAT Tested (naughty, naughty).
  23. Received a ‘Like’ from Ricky Gervais for a tweet which I made.
  24. Saw a rat in my garden.
  25. Rented 62 DVDs and BluRays from Cinema Paradiso ****
  26. Tweeted 127 times.
  27. Found out that Quorn Tikka Massala has the tastiest sauce ever.
  28. Ordered a takeaway from Deliveroo for the first time ever.
  29. Won £100 on a scratch card. *****
  30. Bought the most embarrassing shirt ever. I love it.
  31. Spent over £150 on stickers.
  32. Had a haircut.
  33. Watched some God-awful film about a shark.
  34. Created a veggie-friendly Big Mac.
  35. Watched 1,000 episodes of ‘Keeping Up Appearances’, with Claire. ******

* I gave up early into the final season. The show lost nearly all its humour after Steve Carell left.

** Contrary to rumours, I did not consume any of Roman’s manhood (See pt.12), leading me to vegetarianism. The vet didn’t even offer me any.

*** Can you tell that by this point, I was getting desperate to get back to work?

**** 31 of these discs were Claire’s….
Can you guess who picked what, from “Raggy Dolls” and “Jack Reacher”?
You’re all wrong – I ordered Raggy Dolls!

***** Technically this was Claire’s card, but we always split our winnings.

****** It certainly felt like 1,000. I know the Mrs. Fortescue episode word-for-word.

Posted by sean on October 13, 2018 at 10:49 pm in Fun At Home with No Comments

I have discovered that living in the modern world, but having to take regular medication, can be a problem. My ability to use technology is not impeded by any drug which I have to take; the issue relates to communication.

Ninty nine percent of the time that I spend downstairs at home, is sat in my favourite half of the sofa. Over time, I have collected and organised a set of cushions of all shapes and sizes, to surround me while I am sat, moulding themselves around my rear end, to make me very comfortable.

As well as building myself a mountain of cushions, I have also organised my ‘living area’ to be within easy reach of my favourite books and gadgets. Heck, I’ve even got a tuck shop drawer, in case I get hungry or thirsty. It is a couch potato’s wet dream.

Personally, I think that I have an excuse. Due to my mobility issues, it would take a lot of effort for me to get from the sofa, to the bookshelf or kitchen, should I fancy a read or a Wagon Wheel… except I’m not eating WWs at the moment, and unless they bring out gelatin-free wheels, I sadly won’t be eating one of Britain’s tastiest biccies ever again.

Anyway… I’m not a lazy couch potato. I’m a lazy couch potato with a mobility scooter.

I mentioned that as well as having easy access to books and tuck, I have also ensured that my favourite toys are just a short stretch away. As well as that, my prescribed medication is just a foot from my grasp, to ensure any pill-popping is done on time. Here lies the problem…

I’ve already said that I have to take PILL and TABLETs throughout the day…

I do most of my internet browsing, blogging, geeky spreadsheet stuff etc on my Samsung TABLET

I also enjoy listening to music on my Dre Beats PILL.

If I am away from my throne (the sofa), from time to time, I may ask my wife if she would kindly pass me something. If it is a bar of chocolate or book, that is never an issue. The problems occur when I would like my medication or techy stuff…

Me: “Wifey. Can you pass me something please?”
Claire: “Of course, Hubby. What would you like?”
Me: “The tablet please”

My poor, devoted wife wouldn’t know whether I wanted to check my emails or chase the dragon. *

* all of my medication is legal, prescribed and non-hallucinogenic (sadly).

We have the same problem when I ask for my pill. Do I want to go “flying high in the sky” with the Lighthouse Family, or opium? **

** honestly – I’m no junkie! “The blogger doth protest too much, methinks” 

This has all gone a bit too much Shaun Ryder and less Sean’s Stories, for my liking. No more drug jokes.

I’ll end today’s blog by saying, despite all the communication problems with pills and tablets, it’s good that I now own a Nintendo Switch, which means that I no longer need to ask Claire for a Wii.

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