Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on January 15, 2020 at 9:23 am in Shopping with 1 Comment


These cupcakes are incredible, it’s unreal. They are so good, that there must be something wrong with them.

A drugs warlord named Franz Sanchez, has probably snuck cocaine into the mixture, or something else equally sinister.

Posted by sean on January 14, 2020 at 9:47 pm in The Roman Chalice with No Comments


There is a long-running job throughout football, regarding Newcastle United and the fact that they haven’t won a major trophy for over half a century – currently 65 years and counting.

TROPHY WINNING LEGENDS *

Well all the guffaws can stop right here, right  now. Newcastle’s long run without a major honour has come to an end…

This evening, they beat Rochdale 4-1 in the FA Cup. Before you congratulate them on their victory, you should be aware that the Magpies haven’t won the FA Cup. Tonight’s game was only the third round of that tinpot competition. Their prize is far greater than any cup, trophy or shield; for Newcastle United are now the proud holders of THE ROMAN CHALICE.

Eoghan O’Connell opened the scoring for the Chalice heroes. He will now forever go down in folklore as a Newcastle United legend and discussions are already underway to build a statue of O’Connell outside the club’s stadium, St James Park. The mayor of Newcastle has also promised him the key to the city.

Not bad, for the young Irishman, considering he doesn’t even play for Newcastle! Eoghan is technically a Rochdale player, but it was his own goal in the 17th minute that he believes inspired his beloved Magpies to lift the Chalice.

“I have always wanted to score for a Premiership team, you know.”, said O’Connell. “When I found out that Rochdale would be playing against the Toon Army, I knew this was my opportunity to put the name Eoghan O’Connell on the map”.

When asked about how he prepared for the fixture, O’Connell confirmed “I have been training since the draw was made. I was determined to give 110 percent and score for Newcastle.”

“At the end of the day, whether it came off my foot, head or backside, I didn’t care. Luckily, when my chance came along, I was in acres of space and was able to take it. I was as pleased as punch when I put the ball in the back of the net. Goals win games.”

Congratulations Newcastle United and Eoghan O’Connell **

An open top bus parade will take place tomorrow. Newcastle fans are encouraged to attend and get a glimpse of the Roman Chalice. It may be their only chance to see it, considering the club will probably lose to Chelsea at the weekend and relinquish the honour.

* right, before you all send me abuse, I am all too aware that this is not Newcastle United. It is the Welsh national football team. I don’t know the age of the photograph – I used Google image search – but am aware that it is a long time ago!

** and if you believe those quotes were actually from Eoghan O’Connell, you’re more gullible than those who voted for Brexit, thinking that the NHS would get £350 million if we left the EU.

Posted by sean on January 13, 2020 at 11:39 pm in Weather with No Comments


I am bracing myself for the terrible weather which is forecast to hit Bath and such of the UK.

If you believe the weatherman, we can expect lots of rain and gale force winds. The weather did look rather rough this afternoon, but has annoyingly calmed down now that it is time to go to sleep.

The bad weather is supposed to step it up tomorrow. I wonder if this means that, at the time of writing this blog, we are in the eye of the storm? A term I learned from The Simpsons – Episode [4F07] Hurricane Neddy.

I love lying in bed at night, listening to the wind and rain batter the house. As long as it doesn’t batter too hard – now that I am a homeowner, I would have to deal with any damage caused.

One of the very few perks of renting the property you live in, is that the landlord has to deal with any problems like leaking roofs, frozen pipes and the side of the house blowing off.

This storm has been named Storm Brendan. I don’t know how these weather boffins decide on a name – I’m sure it’s a recent thing.

Until recently, people would just refer to bad weather as “pissing it down”, or if you’re visiting your gran, “raining cats and dogs”.

Whatever the reason for the name, if this storm damages my house, I’m blaming Brendan from Coach Trip. Or maybe Brendan Rogers – the Leicester City manager. That’s probably a better option – he’ll have more money.


All joking aside, please take care out there. These high winds can be very dangerous. It’s all too easy to get blown over and break your leg…

… don’t worry. Given how accident prone I am, I won’t be leaving the house tomorrow!

Posted by sean on January 12, 2020 at 9:52 pm in Leeds United with No Comments


It’s happening again. The annual winter choke. This is nothing to do with a cold or fly-type virus. I am referring to Leeds United, yet again doing their very best to mess up promotion.

Leeds have won just one league game, from the previous six played.

Between early August and mid-December, Leeds conceded only 10 goals.

Since mid-December, that same team have shipped 13! Unlucky if you’re a Leeds fan. Hilarious if you support a rival team.

A very similar course of events took place last season. I predicted Leeds would bottle promotion and maddeningly, they did.

Is the same going to happen again? I bloody hope not. Throughout this season, I have backed my team, maintaining that this time, they will finally finish the job and get themselves promoted.

Understandably, I am now getting worried…

More out of pure stubbornness than anything else, I will stick with my original prediction. I’m hoping that in the same way that I accurately foresaw Leeds’ collapse last season, this time, by keeping faith in the players, they’ll do it.

Come May, we’ll all be celebrating with champagne, instead of the annual passing out on a park bench, having drowned our sorrows with a three litre bottle of Diamond White cider.

 

Which one is it to be then, Leeds?

Whatever beverage you end up with, you can be sure of three things – a trip to A&E to get your stomach pumped, a public order offence and a lifetime ban from the local library.

These days I am as good as tee-total, but even I may push the boat out and enjoy a Baileys with ice, should the unthinkable happen…

Posted by sean on January 11, 2020 at 10:23 pm in Health with No Comments


I had another joyous hospital outpatient appointment yesterday. As you may know, I attend various clinics for a variety of different ailments. Friday’s visit was to the orthopaedic department, to discover how well or poorly my broken bones have been healing.

Luckily, the number of x rays taken were considerably less than my previous visit. While the radiographers were keen to take images of my left arm, which remains in a sling, my other arm and right leg managed to dodge having their photo taken.

The decision to avoid paying attention to my right arm and leg is a positive one. It means that the doctors are no longer concerned about these particular limbs, as they are healing well. Either that, or they’re so beyond repair, that medics consider them a write off.

I had the usual battle with the x ray plates (see my blog post from December, to read about past run-ins with these horrible things). I am puzzled by the reason to force a plate behind my back, in order to capture an image of my arm.

After the generally smooth visit to the x ray team, I was returned to the Fracture Clinic waiting room – although not before I had to explain to a member of staff that I did not need to be taken to a ward. Claire and I battled hard to get me discharged home in November, and now the hospital want to make me an inpatient again! No fecking way!

My x ray images showed some interesting results

After arriving back in the clinic, I didn’t have to wait long before meeting a doctor. Having reviewed the latest image of my left arm, he was able to bring me good news. My left arm is making good progress and is recovering well from the complex break I suffered two months earlier.

The bone has not begun to rebuild itself to a safe level. It was therefore suggested that I remove my left arm from the sling, which will allow me to move my arm more freely, allowing my arm to perform the necessary bits to recover further. What a clever arm!

The doctor finished his consultation just before 10.50am. I know this, because Claire had sent a message using WhatsApp at 10.51am. It wasn’t long after this, that we were told that patient transport had been booked to take us home.

Things were going well. I had made it to the appointment with no problems. The x rays were taken with very little stress to me. The results of the x rays were positive and now my wife and I would be taken home. We just had to wait for the ambulance to turn.

We waited…

and waited…

We waited some more…

and a bit more…

You get the idea.

At around one o’clock – over two hours since the doctor had finished with me – we were starting to get a little frustrated about the delay.

Showing patience, we persisted with the wait. As we approached the three hour mark, it was time to take action. I jumped off the hospital bed and into my wheelchair.

By ‘jumped’, I, of course, mean got Claire to help me onto my feet, before gingerly hobbling a few steps to the wheelchair. Not one hop, skip or jump took place. Don’t worry – my disability benefits, which your taxes fund, are justified!

Now that I was in my chair, it was time to execute our plan. It was simple. Claire would push me home. It was just a pity that we hadn’t done this three hours earlier!

Claire wheeled me to the clinic reception, where we planned to tell whoever was there, “thanks, but no thanks”, and that we would be making our own way home.

A friendly lady behind the desk informed us that transport will arrive very soon and that we should stay, as a packed lunch had been prepared for the two of us.

We agreed to stay in the unit a little longer, having been enticed by the promise of something that apparently doesn’t exist. No, not a driver willing to take me home, but a free lunch. Surprisingly, despite what we have always been told, there is such a thing!

As we continued to wait for our ride home, the packed lunches were opened and devoured. We were both very hungry, having not eaten since breakfast – unless you count the miniature packets of Love Hearts and Parma Violets we shared. Never mind giving away your last Rolo – splitting a tube of Love Hearts with your other half, is the mere definition of romance.

Unfortunately, not all of the lunch could be eaten, considering that one of the sandwiches was tuna fish and the other chicken mayonnaise. 18 months ago, I would have made short work of the latter, but not since becoming a tree-hugging veggie.

On hindsight, it was probably a good thing that I did not have a sandwich to eat, otherwise I would have probably choked on a bit of chicken beak in shock… from out of nowhere, the hospital transport turned up!

After being pushed through the hospital and into the ambulance, I was given the choice of transferring to a trolley, or remaining in my wheelchair.

Considering that we only live around the corner from the hospital, I thought staying where I was would be the best option. I didn’t fancy wasting any further time, by moving onto the trolley.

The last time that I was placed on an ambulance trolley, my arms, legs and torso were strapped down to such an extent, that I felt like a raging rabies victim.

Presumably, this cautious approach was to prevent me from falling onto the vehicle floor, and not to because the paramedics had watched Silence of the Lambs too many times…

The ambulance ride home went with very few hiccups. I managed to avoid falling off the trolley or eating any paramedic livers.

The paramedics even wheeled me off the ambulance and up the garden path, safely delivering me home – unlike Hermes couriers who, during the hospital appointment, threw my parcel over the back gate.

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