Posted by sean on March 27, 2020 at 8:14 am in Television with No Comments


With scary stuff and tragedy taking place everywhere, the excuse to laugh again – if only for 25 minutes – is fantastic.

Friday Night Dinner couldn’t have been served at a better time…

Posted by sean on March 22, 2020 at 10:47 am in Television with No Comments


Finally, I’ve written a blog post that doesn’t mention c*****v****! Well, it does once, in a hilarious caption. That’s it. I promise.

Claire and I have watched the final episode of the most recent series of Hunted.

Don’t worry – if you have been following the current season, but have not had chance to see the latest installment, there will be no spoilers.

… except to say that the girlfriend of the gym instructor from Wigan, gets her hands on an AK-47 and massacres all the ground hunters. She then turns the weapon on her boyfriend and each remaining fugitive, before riding off into the sunset with the £100k and her pet dog. Sorry!

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to highlight a few flaws in the series.

There are clearly many rules, which us viewers are not made aware of. These conditions are obviously in place to keep the show interesting and to prevent the hunters’ task of tracking down the fugitives from being made impossible.

One would assume that breaking the rules is seen as cheating, and punishable by incarceration – or just getting booted off the show.

You’ll forever be known as the fool who cheated on Hunted. Having no choice but to flee to a cave in the Scottish Highlands and live the rest of your life with Former-Major Charles Ingram. Incidentally, Charlie is a Leeds fan, so can’t be too bad a chap.

  • Presumably the fugitives need to keep moving. Otherwise, what is to prevent them from making pre-planned arrangements to stay for three weeks, in the box bedroom of a contact with no Facebook or mobile phone connections.
  • The fugitives would never be found – especially as milk is no longer sold in cartons, meaning their face couldn’t be sent to every breakfast table across the country.
  • All friends, family and colleagues (FFC) of the fugitives must have been told to set their Facebook permissions low enough for the investigators to access.
  • In addition, the associates and fugitives will have written to their mobile phone operators, granting permission for their cellular activity to be monitored. As Hunted is a game show and not a criminal investigation, under the Data Protection Act, the operators would not allow such monitoring without authorisation. Isn’t that right, Piers Morgan?

  • Are the FFC obliged to grant the hunters access to their property? They could be holding key evidence or even sheltering the fugitives. With no legal warrant, the FFC could tell the hunter to politely “go away “, or just not answer the door. In this series, especially, I have noticed that a lot of back doors have been left open or unlocked – giving the hunters access to the house and the fugitive.
  • When asking the public if they have seen the fugitives, the hunters will describe their appearance in great detail. Not once do they say “oh, and a bloke with a huge microphone and camcorder would have been following them!”.

  • Why have no fugitives ever left tricks for the hunters, prior to going on the run? Try and throw them off the scent, before the chase has even begun. Fake Facebook accounts. Laptops containing false information, conveniently placed to be found by a snoop.
  • You would assume that it is a massive “no no” to fill your socks with wads of £20 notes, so you can spend money while on the run and not be traced. That would be cheating, as well as rather unhygienic.

“I promise to pay the bearer on demand £20, a litre of sweat and a dose of COVID-19”

  • I assume that the fugitives and hunters are not allowed to break the law. Therefore speeding, stealing cars and intimidating witnesses at knife point, is out of the question.
  • Trespassing must also be prohibited. When being chased down a country road on foot, do the fugitives need to check the status of a field before fleeing into it? Is it a public right of way, or is the field privately owned by Farmer Giles and his fierce guard dog?

  • Up until now, I always thought the narrator was Michael Buerk. That man who used to read the news and present 999 – that television series from the 1990s, where people would hilariously recount stories of their clumsy accidents, involving broken parachutes, angry cows and electricity pylons. Apparently, it’s not him!

  • The prize for winning is £100k. This must be shared between everyone else who makes it to the end. That’s a pretty pitiful amount, especially when you consider that you can win a million, simply for sitting in a chair for an hour, and have Jeremy Clarkson ask you a series of questions. Mind you, anyone who has to sit in the same room as that obnoxious pig for sixty minutes, deserves every penny of that million quid!
  • Before anyone comments on my previous point, I am aware that the show isn’t all about the money. People enter Hunted for the experience etc…

 

 

  • SPOILER ALERT! – I know that I said “no spoilers”, so I hope the warning is clear enough for anyone not wishing to know about the episode. OK… when the Wigan gym bunny proposes to his girlfriend, does anyone else think it was staged? I fully believe that the proposal was heartfelt and genuine, but is it something you do when you’re meters away from the extraction point, with the hunters closing in? I wonder if the show’s producers had a word with a few people… yes, I know that I’m one skeptic sod!

Posted by sean on March 16, 2020 at 10:01 pm in Television with No Comments


I think the telly in the bedroom is broken.

I can hear people talking on whatever channel may be on, but the screen is blank.

A sad day, but this could be “bye bye” 🙁

Posted by sean on March 15, 2020 at 1:29 pm in Television with No Comments


I couldn’t help but notice one of the strangest television shows that I’ve come across in a long time the other day – and that is some statement, as I watch a lot of weird stuff.

Claire initially put the programme on for herself, but I found myself having no choice but to have a listen, given what I was overhearing!

Note – I say “listen” as opposed to “watch”, as it was around midnight, we were in bed preparing to sleep and my glasses were off. Even if I did want to see the depravity which was accompanying the conversations I was hearing, I wouldn’t be able to without my goggles.

I initially felt compelled to listen, when I heard a young man asking a medical professional for advice on sexual health. The conversation escalated rather quickly; progressing to a topic so utterly disgusting that I generally wretched.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here – for one thing, there was no bush involved in this sexual chat. Get this… the man was told how to LICK his partner’s ARSE HOLE!

I’ll pause momentarily, to allow you to throw up.

YOU MAY WANT ONE OF THESE IF YOU ARE TO CONTINUE READING…

This real life television show – on E4, by the way, not some dodgy Swedish import – was actually giving advice on using your tongue to make contact with another person’s anus.

Your TONGUE, which is connected to the MOUTH, where food enters the body – licking the ARSE HOLE, where SHIT exits the body!

Un-fucking-belivable! The hand hygiene freak in me was flipping out!

Dogs sniff each others bums and generally we think this is a bit gross. Dogs also lick their own bottoms. What dogs do not do, as far as I’m aware, is lick another dog’s arse – presumably this is too repulsive even for them!

The TV show which Claire was watching is called Sex Clinic. Remember the programme Embarrassing Bodies? The one where members of the public would go on national television, to ask a celebrity doctor sensitive questions, that they are too ashamed to approach their GP about. Presumably, these people had no issues with the fact millions of viewers were all watching at home, transfixed by their three penises.

Well, Sex Clinic is for those individuals with extremely private medical issues, which they are too fearful of discussing with the doctor on Embarrassing Bodies, as well as their GP.

Either that, or these people believe that by going on television and revealing how they are suffering from a serious case of genital herpes, they’ll become famous themselves and appear on Celebrity Big Brother: Series 3,293, under their new stage name, “Henry Herpes”.

The main part of the show sounded like these media whores were being tested for all manners of sexually transmitted diseases. Normally after behaving like a slut and sleeping with a dozen strangers – this is men and women, before you accuse me of sexism.

The medics* carrying out the tests normally handle the situation in a sensitive manner and are careful when revealing the results.
* I am unclear as to whether these “medics” are medically educated. For all I know, they may be no more qualified to handle such matters than Piers Morgan.

I think that the show could be greatly improved, if the results were revealed in the manner of an X Factor judge, as they tell a contestant if they have managed to get a place at Bootcamp…

MEDIC:
“I have your test results here.”
<long pause>
“We tested you for anal slugs…”
<even longer pause>
“I’m sorry, it’s not good news…”
“… you’re going to have to get to the chemist right away…”
“… and buy some condoms, as you’re going to be having a lot more sex! The results were negative!”
<cue background music – YOU RAISE ME UP, by Westlife>

That would be brilliant.

It’s not just STD tests which the programme covers. The medics give advice too. Although be it on your head if you take it…

I was surprised to hear what a very flamboyant homosexual had to say. This wasn’t the strange thing. The lad explained that he was only attracted to straight men. The reason for this was because gay guys were all too feminine and camp. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Steady on, mate. That level of stereotyping sounds very homophobic to me!

Finally, the show introduced Claire and I to something we both hadn’t heard of before. You will not be surprised to hear that we won’t be experimenting with this new “tip” ourselves.

The programme – amazingly shown on mainstream television – told its viewers all about “pegging”.

When we heard the term, I had no idea what it could be. Claire thought it involved attaching clothes pegs onto your loved one’s body.

Nope, pegging involves a woman strapping a fake willy to her body and stuffing it up her other half’s bum.

Can you see why we WON’T be doing this?

Nothing surprises me anymore and I have told Claire that I would be willing to bet money, that whatever fetish she could imagine – however horrific – it would already exist.

Not that we could ever prove my theory, as it would involve searching for the disgusting act on Google – possibly resulting in a knock on the door from PC Plod.

Posted by sean on March 11, 2020 at 12:06 pm in Television with No Comments


Who else has seen that television advert for Amazon Alexa?

Let me jog your memory…

Those of you who have already seen it on television, will have probably noticed a major difference with this version…

The woman’s American! Originally, I thought this was a dubbed version of the UK advert, but considering it appeared on YouTube almost a year old, it looks like us Brits have the edited one.

Sorry. It was the only version I could find online. Forgive me.

Accent dubbing is not what brought me to blog about this advert – or should that be ‘commercial’?

I have to take issue with a few factors…

Mother wakes up. Her daughter is outside kicking a football against the side of the house. It’s twenty to five in the bloody morning!

THIS IS NO TIME FOR A HUMAN TO BE AWAKE.

I pity their poor neighbours. They will have all been woken up in the middle of the night by some Lucy Bronze wannabe, kicking her ball against the side of the house.

The mother is just as bad. A good parent would be demanding her stroppy teenage daughter “pack it in”, stop throwing a hissy fit and come inside at once. Stop disturbing the entire street!

But no, the daft cow only turns on the garden security light, causing an illumination so bright that it can be seen from outer space.

TUT, TUT, TUT…
THAT LIGHT YOU SEE IS FROM THE SOCCER MOM’S BACK GARDEN.

I think that as viewers, we are encouraged to believe that this is a heartwarming story, of a mother’s support for her soccer-crazed daughter, trying to be the best, in a sport still dominated by nasty, sexist men… or something like that.

In her quest to help her daughter, what’s the mother going to ask Alexa to do next? Play Lose Yourself, by Eminem at full volume, just because footballers would listen to it before a match in 2004? If they don’t already, that’ll be one way to ensure the entire street hates her.

I have some annoying neighbours myself. The lady who has recently moved in next door is renovating the entire property. Given the amount of time the builders are taking and the noise generated, it would have been quicker and easier had the entire house been demolished and rebuilt.

YOU SEE WHAT I’VE GOT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO?

Then there is the strange man down the road. I’ve mentioned him on here before. He puts his shit-filled nappies in our bin and blocks our driveway, with one of his numerous vehicles. He also has a yappy pug dog.

Despite living in such close proximity to these undesirable individuals, it is far preferable to that of being a neighbour of this ‘soccer mom’ and her teenage brat.

NOBODY LIKES A DIVA!

I think we can all agree that the daughter is a moody moo. Fancy returning home, ignoring your family and slamming doors.

Although totally unacceptable from the girl, most of the blame for her ill-behaviour should fall at the feet of the mother. The woman is so lazy. She can’t even be bothered to look at the clock to check the time – instead, opting to ask a machine.

It’s no surprise to me that the girl had to attend football practice on her own. Amazon are yet to develop a version of Alexa, capable of accompanying children to sporting events and there was little chance of this bone-idle parent getting off her arse and making the effort.

To conclude, I think we can all agree that if you own an Alexa device, it makes you an inconsiderate neighbour and a pretty bad parent.

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