Posted by sean on July 3, 2020 at 7:02 am in Me Vs. The World with 1 Comment


As you will know from recent blog posts, I made the interesting discovery that drivers for the courier firm Hermes have a lower IQ than a gerbil.

This morning, another parcel delivery firm has managed to grind my gears. The company responsible – Yodel.

I can guarantee that a quick search on social media or just Google, will tell you a lot about Yodel’s reputation and approach to customer relations. The only thing I am not certain of is who has the worst overall feedback – Yodel or Hermes.

The good news for Yodel is that I see no reason why their drivers should not at hold intelligence greater than, or at least equal to, a guinea pig.

The bad news is that they appear to be suffering from a severe case of Monkey Shoulder.

I originally encountered this disease in my first job, when I was a young, bright-eyed whippersnapper. A manager gave me some advice on how to have a successful career…

If you are given a task to complete, the situation should be handled in the same way you would treat a monkey on your shoulder.

No, not scream as the demented ape sinks its fangs into your neck. The idea behind this approach is to get the invisible monkey off your shoulder as quickly as you can, by any means necessary.

This may involve delegating the task to a colleague beneath you on the payscale. If that is not possible, deal with the job yourself in a way which is as quick and effortless as possible, regardless of resolution quality.

I don’t work with this manager anymore, but we remain in the same organisation. Since growing older and more experienced, I have learned that this anonymous manager is well-known for cutting corners. To his credit, he earned more money than me 17 years ago and he still does now. He must be doing something right.

Back to Yodel. Based on a number of personal encounters with their ‘service’, I think it is obvious that their employees follow the Monkey Shoulder approach to work. Great for them. Shit for customers like me.

Their latest debacle occurred yesterday, while attempting to deliver a mop to my humble home. This is not a mop of hair – think one half of that famous duo ‘mop and bucket’. I know what you’re thinking – Claire and I are forever treating ourselves to luxury items.

This is where things become hilarious. Hilarious in a sense of ‘how the hell could someone get something so simple so wrong’…

It was late morning when Claire checked the Yodel tracking tool. Apparently our mop had been delivered. Bollocks.

This felt incredibly familiar to Hermes and my missing face mask. While contemplating what our next move should be – my preference being to dress up as a highwayman and hold up the Yodel van – our doorbell rang…

A man was stood at our front door, clutching what looked very much like a mop. As he wasn’t offering to clean our house, we could only assume it was our missing delivery.

The very kind gentleman, who we later established lived around the corner, handed us the mop, explaining that a courier had entered his back garden, where he dumped the delivery.

So, as well as committing fraud by lying about making a successful delivery, the courier also trespassed onto a random property to dump a parcel they could not be bothered to deliver themselves.

As the theme song for the famous Australian soap tells us – “Everybody needs good neighbours”. With couriers leaving parcels, packages and letters wherever the feck they like, those words could not hold more truth.

I feel that I must name and shame the company responsible for subjecting their customers to Yodel. In this instance, it was George, Asda.

I do sometimes wonder why online retailers continue to use the likes of Hermes and Yodel. One would imagine that maintaining a positive reputation is pivotal to any company. Would it not make commercial sense to entrust a reliable courier firm to handle their deliveries?

Then I remembered that Fawlty Towers episode… “because he’s cheap!”

Posted by sean on July 2, 2020 at 9:56 am in Me Vs. The World with 1 Comment


Despite the fact I don’t live too far away from Salisbury – the city involved in all the Russian poisoning stuff – today’s blog title is not a secret phrase to communicate with MI6 spies. Although on the off-chance I have inadvertently stumbled across highly classified information, I think that it would be wise of me to avoid eating at Zizzi for the next couple of months.

The reason I have blogged today, is because I have an update on the Leeds United face mask, which Hermes failed to get to me, after apparently delivering to the wrong address.

As I just love to keep you all in suspense, before I reveal the update, I would first like to make a point regarding my original post on this matter.

On 27th June 2020, I published a blog entry entitled “So Simple, A Rat Could Do It“. The post title and content compared the intelligence of a Hermes delivery driver to that of a rat. On hindsight, I now realise that this was grossly unfair…

Clearly, the intelligence of a Hermes employee is incomparable to that of a rat. I would like to apologise to all rats, as well as hamsters, shrews and other small rodents. They clearly demonstrate far greater intelligence than a typical Hermes courier.

Apologies done, I can now tell you all where my face mask is…

It’s lost.

Marvellous. Congratulations, Hermes. Next time I order something from Leeds United, I am going to ask that a vole take charge of delivery.

To make matters worse, Leeds United cannot send me a replacement face mask, as they have sold out. Looks like it’ll be a Hello Kitty one for me…

I do wonder where my Leeds mask ended up. Presumably in the possession of the owner of whatever letterbox the simpleton decided to carelessly chuck it through.

I am not holding out too much hope in ever receiving my precious mask – especially as I believe that I saw it on telly over the weekend.

To make matters worse, not only does it appear that the incorrect recipient was wearing the mask, but also listing it on eBay…

Posted by sean on June 27, 2020 at 11:18 am in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


There are many professions where, despite the job being important, there is just one major duty involved. Get this bit right and you can fairly say that you have done well.

If you are a surgeon, you must know which leg is supposed to be amputated, or the correct kidney to remove.

As an undertaker, it is clearly crucial that you carry out the necessary work on the correct deceased individual. Placing the corpse of a renowned mass murderer in a coffin reserved for a ‘Beloved Dad, Brother, Husband’ probably wouldn’t go down too well – especially at an open-casket funeral.

Now a question for you all… what would be the most important aspect of a courier’s job? Ensuring that you don’t get chased by fierce dogs? Allocating enough time to drop into the post office for a cup of tea and natter with the delectable Mrs Goggins? Those both sound very important – especially the latter, considering Mrs Goggins’ husband, Fireman Sam, is away on a stag weekend.

Believe it or not, as a person in charge of delivering parcels, the most important job is also the most basic of tasks – getting the correct package to the correct recipient.

I am sure chimpanzees have been shown how to work out similar conundrums. Scientists have probably successfully taught pigs too. Even rats have demonstrated the ability to drive. Therefore, if anyone was to experience difficulties in delivering a letter or parcel to it’s intended address, it would be fair to say that they have a lower IQ than a rat.

Yesterday morning, I received an email from the courier firm, Hermes. If you have encountered this company before, you will probably know what they’re like. If you have not, let’s just say that they have a reputation. I’ll allow you to make your own mind up as to whether this reputation is good or bad – just search for them on Google and read through some of the results…

The email advised that a parcel had been delivered to my house. Good stuff. I was expecting a delivery. I did find it a bit strange, though. Claire and I had not left the house all morning, and had not heard anyone at the front door.

Based on past experience of Hermes, Claire checked our doorstep for parcels, as well as various other locations the delivery drivers like to hide things – under my wheelchair ramp, in the recycling bin, on the other side of the gate in the back garden. Nothing!

I tried to contact Hermes directly. The only obvious means of communication appeared to be to access their website and ‘chat’ to a robot named Holly. This was a total waste of time, as despite not being real, Holly was a rude cow, who needs to attend a customer relations course.

I politely asked if I could “speak to a human please”, to which she ignored me and just said that the parcel had been delivered. Aaarrrggghhh!!!

In the end, I emailed the retailer who sent me the parcel originally. Even though they hadn’t personally lost, stolen or eaten my package, it was their decision to use Hermes, so their mess to clean up. Put it this way, if I ran a hair salon and hired zombies to work for me (they would be dead cheap), I would expect to take the blame when my employees began eating the brains of my customers!

The retailer replied to my email pretty promptly. I was told that Hermes had delivered my parcel to the wrong address. Ha! I knew it! A lower IQ than rodents…

I am sure you are all wondering what it was I ordered, as well as the name of the retailer stupid enough to entrust Hermes to serve their customers.

Well, you need not worry. It’s unlikely that you will use the company yourself, seeing as it was Leeds United Football Club.

THIS FACE MASK IS WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT

If by coincidence, you are a Leeds fan like myself, you’ll be used to being let down by the club, time and time again.

It’s not really a surprise that Leeds use a courier as shoddy as Hermes. After all, they’ve been appointing terrible managers for years…

Posted by sean on June 17, 2020 at 7:48 am in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


I have to make an urgent call to the Grammar Police!

I would expect to see this kind of sloppy grammar on the likes of Twitter, but not while carrying out the weekly grocery shop!

“YOUR THE BEST…
CLEARLY NOT AT ENGLISH.”

Posted by sean on May 15, 2020 at 7:44 am in Me Vs. The World, Television with No Comments


I am sure that everyone knows the legend of Robin Hood – whether it be Prince of Thieves, the Walt Disney adaptation, or Men in Tights.

It therefore needs no introduction to the fact that he is said to have taken from the rich to give to the poor.

Tonight, Matthew, I will be Robin of Loxley…

Don’t panic, I’m not going to start happy-slapping Tories, before mugging them and spending all their money on copies of The Big Issue. No, I put the dosh into a big jar labelled “SEAN’S PLAYSTATION 5 FUND”.

My other outlaw activities include taking money from Sky Television and British Telecom…

If you are a subscriber to Sky or BT Sport, it is possible to receive the channels for free, while televised sporting events are affected by the Covid pandemic. Is this what they call a ‘life hack’? It’s certainly an example of the common man taking back some money from major corporations – something that is very Robin Hood and His Merry Men.

You can suspend your Sky Sports subscription here and BT Sport through this link.

How long these channels will remain free is anybody’s guess. However, Sky are promising to show a charity golf match, with BT boasting about broadcasting some football from Germany over the weekend. It would be a kick in the teeth if either of these caused the subscriptions to restart, as I can’t stand golf!

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