Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on October 12, 2019 at 11:11 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


I can’t read
and I can’t write
but that don’t really matter.
‘cos I have a job in McDonald’s
and I fry things in batter.

Excuse my rudeness towards the staff at McDonald’s. I am sure the majority are all highly intelligent and have just been stereotyped by stupid characters like the one above.

and this one…

there’s quite a few…

Enough of that now. What boiled my blood enough to drive me to pick up the metaphorical pen and blog, was what appeared in my McDonald’s order this evening.

In a bid to improve customer experience and keep Burger King at bay, McDonald’s now allow you to customise your order – this includes adding and removing bits from your burger, such as gherkins, lettuce and even the beef patty. It is that latter ingredient which caused all the trouble this evening.

I think it is fair to say that I can now consider myself a proper vegetarian and not one of those people going through a fad, after watching the movie Babe 2: Pig in the City.

Claire and I haven’t enjoyed a McDonald’s in ages – and after tonight, my wait goes on. We had planned on treating ourselves to such a takeaway this Saturday.

I ordered a Big Mac meal. Amongst a few other changes, I requested that the beef patty be removed from my burger. This order was accepted and I was left to eagerly await a meat-free Big Mac, with extra gherkins, sauce and salad.

What arrived was this…

That big brown thing is not a giant pickle – it is actually, beef. Yes, a beef patty – the one thing I asked to not be included in my Big Mac.

It’s a good thing that I am only avoiding beef because I am a veggie and not because I have an allergy or for religious reasons.

I can only assume that this terrible example of cooking was for one (or more) of these reasons…

  • McDonald’s staff can’t read
  • McDonald’s staff don’t give a crap
  • McDonald’s staff believe vegetarians can eat beef
  • McDonald’s staff are overwhelmed and overworked, so make mistakes.

Ronald McDonald has turned pretty nasty in recent years – but is he overworking his staff?

Posted by sean on September 2, 2019 at 11:12 pm in Me Vs. The World, Shopping with No Comments


I must admit, I was a little surprised by the two delivery men, who dumped a box, presumably holding our mattress and not a dead lion (it certainly looked heavy enough), on our bed, before fleeing the house. They couldn’t have got away faster!

Would it have killed those two burly gentlemen to unbox and fit the heavy, bulky double mattress for us? Did they not notice the wheelchair ramp and stair lift? It was clear I’d be of as much help as our pet Netherland Dwarf rabbit. That left Claire to deal with all the lifting and shifting on her own!

Claire did manage to succeed, where two apparently strong delivery men from AO failed. The mattress is now on our bed, from where I am blogging, while Claire sleeps.

Initial impressions for me are good. Only time will tell if this mattress works out long-term for the two of us. If not, I’ll be phoning Dr. Walter Palmer, to ask that he deals with it. Dr. Walter is the the dentist who famously murdered Cecil the lion in 2015. Therefore he has history of taking out lions. Poor Simba.

As for AO, be warned about Laurel and Hardy – the pair of otiose so-and-sos sent to “help” us today. Let’s just hope old lady Eiffel doesn’t get the two berks, when it’s time to deliver her aga cooker…

Posted by sean on August 24, 2019 at 12:46 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS EXTREMELY STRONG PORNOGRAPHY. READERS WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED ARE ADVISED TO LEAVE THIS WEBSITE BY CLICKING HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

This is EastEnders legend Frank Butcher (don’t worry, the porn in no way involves him!). Frank was played by Mike Read. Sadly, both Frank and Mike are no longer with us.

I haven’t watched EastEnders for over 15 years, but I do remember Frank for running a used car garage, where he would sell dodgy motors to unsuspecting old women and gangland mobsters. He was a typical cockney geezer.

Why am I writing about Frank? Well, in the same way that he would con Ethel out of her pension, she had put aside to spend on Willy, (her dog, you sick-minded so and so), I too have fallen victim to a wheeler dealer…

There are, in fact, two cowboys who have targeted me. Unlike Mr Butcher, these dodgy salesmen don’t operate out of a small portacabin, which leaks when it rains.

One is probably the biggest retailer in the world. The other is one of the largest football clubs in the country. I am talking about Amazon and Leeds United.

Let’s start with Amazon. If you follow their activities in the news, you’ll know that they are hardly whiter than white. In fact, if you were to examine their metaphorical underpants, I am sure you would find some nasty skidmarks, that even Daz washing powder would struggle to remove. I am referring to their tax avoidance.

Tax avoidance is the legal way of paying less tax – unlike evasion, which is illegal and something Amazon are definitely not involved with. However, ask yourself – “just because something is not against the law, does it make it right?” That subject is for another blog post (which I will never get round to).

Moving on from Amazon’s tax issues and $11billion profit, to something a lot more important – my missing parcel. I placed a preorder for a Hannibal Lecter Funko Head. If you don’t know what a “Funko Head” is, it’s basically a toy for adults – and NO – not one of those “toys”. Bloody hell – your warped mind. I blogged about one of my toys a few years ago.

Amazon totally cocked up the delivery date and appointed UPS to transfer Hannibal from their Swindon warehouse to my home. Anyone who has seen The Silence of the Lambs will know that Dr Lecter doesnt travel well – and I don’t mean he suffers from motion sickness.

Luckily for the UPS driver, Hannibal didn’t escape and eat his face, like in the movie. Unluckily for me, my Funko Head was taken to a shop in Twerton, 3 miles away from where Iive. What did they expect? For me to just hop on my mobility scooter and ride to this mystery shop on the other side of town? Well, yes, actually.

As cockney Frank Butcher would say “YOU’RE HAVING A GIRAFFE!”

The second offender to shamefully rip me off was a loved one. Now that hurts. Sometimes I feel that this loved one just doesn’t realise how much I care for them – they certainly don’t reciprocate the affection. I am, of course, referring to Leeds United. The football club I have bitched and moaned about, throughout every one of my blog’s 15+ years on the internet.

If you have been reading my blog recently, you will know that I have been waiting for a matchday programme to be delivered. I initially blamed Postman Pat. Pat, I’m sorry…

By way of an apology, I did buy Pat a gift. Unfortunately something went wrong…

The reason I had not received the programme, was because it was never bloody sent! Honestly, Leeds United is like a rubbish boyfriend. He constantly promises you the world, but always finds a way to let you down. I am subjected to applauding emotional abuse. The only thing the bastard hasn’t done is hit me – although give that time – whenever I next get to go to a Leeds game, I am sure I’ll end up getting smashed in the face by a wayward ball.

I sent Leeds lots of love letters, I mean emails, asking about the missing programme. They blocked my email address. I’m fecking serious. I am blocked, like a dirty spammer.

Luckily, I still own my trusty pre-2004 Yahoo Mail account. I used this before GMail became a thing. Yahoo Mail was crap back at the turn of the millennium and it is still crap now. In fact, I think it has become worse!

I used this geriatric email address to further ‘spam’ the club, asking what was going on and where the hell my programme was. I also messaged the Supporters Liaison Officer. I don’t really know what they do, but they sounded helpful and once sent me a signed photo of the team.

Guess what? I have had no response from the club. As cockney Frank Butcher would shout “YOU’RE HAVING A BUBBLE BATH!”

Now this is where the hardcore porn comes in…

If you don’t want to see this extremely graphic photo, leave now…

I’m warning you…

Don’t say that I didn’t warn you…

Seriously, this is sick, sick stuff…

Twisted and vile…

Depraved…

OK, you’ve been warned. Prepare to see your last meal, as you puke onto your keyboard or smartphone…

 

“YOU’RE HAVING A BUBBLE BATH!”

 

If you are still with me and haven’t choked on your own vomit, well done. Foul stuff, wasnt it?

What can I say? Leeds United drove me to it.

There is a little epilogue to my tale of woe and it is good news!

I am now a happy owner of the two latest Leeds United matchday programmes. The one which originally went AWOL was sent to me by the Liaison Officer. Yesterday, I arrived home from work to discover the second programme sitting on where my doormat would be, if I owned a doormat – basically, it came through the letterbox.

Well done, Leeds United. You did good. Eventually…

As for Amazon and Dr Lecter – apparently he is in a white van, on his way to me at some point today. That is unless he escapes again.

Oh, just to let you know that by reading his highly pornographic blog, you have infected your browsing device with the most awful spyware, malware, ransomware and underwear.

Basically, I’ve stolen all your data. To get it back, you must pay me…

Posted by sean on August 14, 2019 at 6:52 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


Good news, everyone! Postman Pat has returned from his holiday.

I trust that he enjoyed himself, although I am slightly disappointed that he didn’t bring me back a straw donkey.

It looks like Postman Pat must have returned to work on the same day he landed at Bristol Airport – courtesy of Jimbo (naturally).

Sadly for me, Pat must have still had his holiday head on – the sangria clearly still in his bloodstream. He did well, but not that well…

I received two of my three missing deliveries – the Cinema Paradiso DVD rental and the football fanzine. I am still missing my Leeds programme from last Saturday!

It is my suspicion that Pat “borrowed” the programme to read on the flight home, but left it on one of Jimbo’s seats.

Either that, or Leeds just didn’t bother to stick it in the post. It wouldn’t be the first time the club would screw one of their own supporters over – but I will leave that gripe is for another time.

Posted by sean on August 13, 2019 at 6:33 pm in Me Vs. The World with No Comments


Isn’t it annoying when you are waiting on a delivery and it is late!

I know these things happen and that there can be many reasons for the hold up, including a delay with the sender getting your precious items into the magical post box.

In this instance, I am placing the blame solely upon my postman. I don’t know his name, but for the purpose of this blog, I will refer to him as Patrick, or Pat for short.

The reason I know Pat is the culprit, is because I am waiting on not one, not two, but three items! All in envelopes small enough to fit through the letterbox. All were due on Saturday. It is now Tuesday.

Not only did my three items fail to arrive, but we haven’t had any post, of any description, since Saturday, when Claire received a car tax bill – isn’t it convenient how those letters never go astray!

It is too much of a coincidence to believe that my three items, all from separate senders, became lost at the start of their journeys. No, they’re in my local sorting office – in Pat’s ever-growing “to do” pile.

I have therefore come to the conclusion that Pat is on holiday.

I appreciate everyone is entitled to a holiday – even childrens television characters from the 1980s. But why couldn’t cover be arranged during his absence? Whit’s Fireman Sam up to these days?

In case you were wondering, my missing post includes the following items…

  • A matchday programme from Leeds United for last Saturday’s match.
  • This football season’s first installment of The Squareball – a Leeds United fanzine.
  • A DVD from Cinema Paradiso – an online service, where you rent DVDs – like Blockbuster Video, but still in business.

So, while I wait to read a match preview of a game which Leeds have already played, Pat is no doubt on a beach somewhere, enjoying sun, sea and …

… I’ll let you finish that last paragraph. I didn’t want to, out of sheer taste and decency, owing to the fact that Mrs Goggins is Pat’s travelling companion!

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