Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on October 21, 2019 at 10:02 pm in Football with 1 Comment


There has been a worrying and disturbing trend, which has been developing throughout football over the last year. Racism.

Thankfully, I don’t think that the problem has grown. This is despite the fact that worrying incidents are reported in the news all too frequently.

Instead, I believe that fans and players are not prepared to put up with such disgusting behaviour anymore and are making a stand against it. By speaking out, reporting examples of hate crimes and saying “no to racism”, the wider public now learn of incidents that they would have been oblivious to in the past.

It is a good thing that people are saying “enough is enough”, but obviously not good that they have been forced into taking such actions in the first place.

In my time watching Bath City, Leeds and England, I have never encountered any racism. That’s not to say that it doesn’t happen – including at non-league level!

I must admit, I was shocked to learn that racism had infiltrated the non-league game. It would be ignorant to say that such discrimination doesn’t exist at this level of football, but like many football fans, I always felt non-league was almost a “safe haven” from that kind of thing.

The good news is that the two offending Yeovil fans were arrested this morning.

I can only imagine how the shameful incident took place, and would be willing to bet that lots of alcohol was involved.

I am aware of a small group of football fans (I won’t say which club they support), who, on occasions, have been known to enjoy the odd pint or ten, at games.

While they have never displayed any form of racism, and to be fair to them, I don’t think for one moment that they ever would; they have been known to shout obscenities at players and the club management, following a disappointing defeat. They are in no way hooligans, but their undesirable behaviour is no doubt influenced by alcohol.

This does make me wonder if the two Yeovil fans involved in the disgusting display, had been on the booze all day. This is in no way excusing their behaviour.

In fact, I am of the belief that people often express their true feelings, while under the influence. Therefore, if a yob shouts racist abuse while drunk, he probably has racist thoughts while sober. Basically he’s a big, fat racist.

So, was it worth it, young Glovers (Yeovil’s nickname)? A few minutes of what no doubt seemed like fun to you at the time – but in reality made you look like a terrible human being .

Your “fun” caused the abandonment of an FA Cup tie, upsetting two football teams and no doubt thousands of fans worldwide.

Your cruel words would have caused more hurt, distress and heart ache than you could possibly imagine.

Your club – little old Yeovil – made international news. Pity it was for abhorrent reasons and therefore makes your club look like scum, when in fact, the only scum at Yeovil is yourselves.

Your fellow fans will hate you and have brought shame upon your family. If found guilty, you’ll be banned from watching live football – hopefully for life.

That job you go to every day, in order to pay the bills – you’ll lose that. Oh, and good luck in getting another – although The Daily Mail newspaper may take you.

It is excellent that football is starting to take the issue of racism and discrimination, but so sad that it remains an issue.

Posted by sean on September 28, 2019 at 11:38 pm in Football, Holiday with No Comments


My final blog post about my cruise – I promise.

Whenever you go on holiday, you will see tourists in football shirts. It’s an almost certain sight and one all the more likely, if you choose to travel to a location visited by the British.

It doesn’t matter if you are visiting a cheap, all inclusive resort in Benidorm, or a remote villa in Tuscany – keep your eye out and sooner rather than later, you won’t be left disappointed. Unless you discover that a family of Chelsea fans are staying in the neighbouring room/villa/caravan/cabin, in which case your holiday is ruined.

Some people clearly believe that if you wear the kit of your team, it automatically makes you the greatest fan of your club – at least in the country you’re visiting.

In some cases, that may be true. For example, if I was to wear a Leeds shirt while visiting The Vatican. Due to the small population, not only would I be the best Leeds supporter, but the only one.

The same can be said if you were to wear a Yeovil Town shirt while in China – for the same reason as in my original example.

Back home in Britain, it’s always nice if you spot someone wearing the shirt of the team you support. This feeling extends to super giddiness, when the same shirt is seen being worn while you are in another country.

To non-football fans, this can best be described by comparing the behaviour of your typical supporters, to that of two dogs, meeting in the park.

Despite not knowing each other and having no sexual attraction, due to being castrated (dogs, not football fans), they go wild – jumping into each other, sniffing the other one’s bottom and barking excessively.

What the dogs are saying, God only knows – probably something like this…

Dog 1: “Hey there! I’m a dog!”
Dog 2: “Wow! I am also a dog!”
Dog 3: “Are you guys dogs?”

You must be wondering where I am going with all this waffle.

Well, despite being a bit chavvy *, I spotted numerous football shirts on the cruise. I kept a list of the offending clubs…
* I wore a football shirt on the ship too, ok. So don’t think I’m being snobbish.

  1. Swansea City
  2. Middlesbrough
  3. Huddersfield Town
  4. Coventry City
  5. Manchester United **
  6. Liverpool (retro shirt)
  7. Leeds United – worn by me
  • I also think that I spotted somebody in a Bournemouth shirt.
  • An honourable mention for a smart Leeds United backpack, which I noticed while going through security.

** like with rats, you’re never more than six feet away from a Manchester United fan.

So that is that. No more blogs about the cruise. Probably…

Posted by sean on August 11, 2019 at 11:15 pm in Football with No Comments


… although apparently the money is.

“Do you think it’s too late to ask for our old job back?”

Posted by sean on June 2, 2019 at 7:00 pm in Football, Have I Got News For You with No Comments


Brits abroad are known to have somewhat of an infamous reputation – especially when it involves visiting large European cities to watch games of football.

When I read accounts of the behaviour of British football supporters overseas, I generally roll my eyes and think “what a bunch of pillocks”. Thankfully, I can distance any association between the louts and myself, enough to say that I do not feel embarrassed by my own countrymen.

However, if any of the misbehaving yobs were fans of my teams, I would find myself burying my head in my hands. I support Leeds United and Bath City, so luckily, I have no worries of my fellow fans getting into mischief abroad – there is more chance of Nigel Farage joining the European elite than either of my teams.

Tête la merde

Generally, my recollection of football thugs abroad involves drunkards throwing chairs, smashing shop windows and singing about shooting Nazi war planes from out of the sky. Their grandfathers may have brought a plane down, but they wouldn’t stand a chance themselves. Just because they played Lylat Wars on their Nintendo, as a child, they think they’re James Bigglesworth. Thank goodness we’re not at war with Germany now, because if we were dependant upon the lager-swiggers to fight for our freedom, Hitler would win.

I digress. When I used the word ‘recollection’ I was not referring to my own personal experiences abroad! Whenever the England national football team are involved in a major international tournament, I am sure that, like me, you will have noticed all the television news reports – probably exaggerated – about how Brits can’t handle their ale and are putting the country to shame again, by singing ‘God Save the Queen’, while attempting (and failing) to climb the Arc de Triomphe.

Despite all this naughtiness, until today, I am yet to hear of a football fan removing his clothes and performing an act which I can only describe as ‘playing with himself’. Did I mention that while he was fiddling with his meat and two veg, he was being watched and cheered on by an adoring crowd?

This is Mike Bassett (former England manager). The real stripper is far too lewd to post on this family blog.

A second story involving football fans abroad caught my eye this week. This time, no supporter was causing any trouble – although I would be wrong if I said that they weren’t taking the piss.

This report is as sad as it is disgusting. Although I guess that it depends on what football team you support. In this case, the fans involved follow Liverpool. Therefore, Manchester United supporters would probably find it funny. Likewise, if the same happened to them, I’d find it fecking hilarious.

The unfortunate Liverpool fans were travelling from England to Madrid, to watch the Champions League final. During the journey, their coach developed a fault, somehow causing the contents of the on-board toilet to leak into the luggage compartment, saturating all the suitcases in urine.

Anyone who has had to use a coach toilet will know they stink to high heaven. I did once. After that, I swore to myself that I would never use the facilities again and would just hold my wee-wee in, even if it meant my bladder exploding.

The coach trips I took involved domestic travel and a maximum journey time of four hours each way. Merseyside to Madrid lasted 30 hours! Given that the coach was transporting excitable football supporters, a lot of on-board drinking was no doubt involved. Lots of drinking equals lots of weeing. Lots of weeing into a broken toilet equals lots of smelly mess!

You just have to feel for them. At least they won the game…

Posted by sean on May 14, 2019 at 7:57 am in Football with No Comments


Danny Drinkwater. Such an excellent name for a football player – especially considering he has been found guilty of drink driving.

Maybe before ordering his 8th Babycham of the evening, young Daniel should have remembered the advice given to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather – Dr Augustus Gulpmead…

The story goes, that in the year 1381, following the Black Death wiping out almost half the population, everyone who survived was given a new name. Where possible, this new identity would reflect the person it was to be gifted to.

Despite being a man of medicine, Dr Gulpmead was known as the town drunk, and was often seen sozzled on mead – a popular alcopop in the 14th century. His rather unusual surname was no coincidence!

It was decided that to save the doctor’s life, the good folk of London Town must first save his liver, by halting his mead habit.

It was for that reason, Dr Gulpmead became Dr Drinkwater. He married, had children, and never touched the booze again, blah blah blah… skip forward a dozen generations and we have Danny Drinkwater.

Unlike his ancestors, Danny is not teetotal. He also doesn’t need to worry about the Black Death – although, ironically, he works alongside a number of rats at his current employer, Chelsea Football Club.

Of course, for legal reasons, I must say that the whole Dr Gulpmead and Black Death stuff is just a fictional story. All of the above is made up and never happened… apart from the bit about Danny Drinkwater getting caught over the limit – sadly, he’s a pisshead who drives and crashes cars. See, it’s on the BBC. They never lie…

With all this in mind, here are some other surnames, that I propose certain footballer players change their identities to.

  • Lionel Paytaxes
  • Wayne Avoidgrannies
  • El-Hadj Nospit
  • Cristiano Dontdive
  • Rio Passtest
  • Luis Mouthshut
  • Diego Justsayno
  • Ryan Dontsleepwithyoursisterinlaw

This is a great idea. Firstly, it would aid the billionaire clubs, financially. This is because it would force parents to buy their darling kids another shirt, because Ruud van Salah has changed his name, meaning that the printing on their previous shirt is out-of-date and effectively worthless.

Secondly, it would help footballers remember what they shouldn’t be doing, just by recalling their own name! I am sure Joe Driveslower, Alex Nosteal and Robbie Dontshagpigs (all fictional examples, in case you were wondering) will all benefit.

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