Sean's Stories

Posted by sean on August 2, 2019 at 8:32 pm in Geek Stuff with No Comments


… but my laptop has decided to perform the biggest update in the world.

It’s been stuck on 27% since what feels like the year 1927, so your guess is as good as mine as to when it will finish and allow me to blog again.

Screw you, Bill Gates! Or whoever is in charge of Microsoft these days.

Posted by sean on May 4, 2019 at 11:55 pm in Geek Stuff with No Comments


I found an IQ Test online today.

I must admit – it was a lot shorter and easier than the one Bart cheated on, during that episode of The Simpsons, some stupidly long time ago! Despite its age, I am yet to see a Kwyjibo on a David Attenborough documentary.

There are only three questions in this quiz, which is called a Cognitive Reflection Test (CRT) – don’t worry, it doesn’t mean anything to me, either.

It is reported that over 80% of people get at least one of these questions wrong, with a third getting all three incorrect.

I don’t know how many people got all three correct, but it is certainly possible, as yours truly did exactly that. I feel rather proud. Let’s be honest, here. Had I not scored 100%, I wouldn’t be blogging about it at all!

The three questions are:

  1. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total. The bat costs £1.00 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?
  2. If it takes five machines five minutes to make five widgets, how long would it take 100 machines to make 100 widgets?
  3. In a lake, there is a patch of lily pads. Every day, the patch doubles in size. If it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake, how long would it take for the patch to cover half of the lake?

I hope you got on OK, with those questions.

I will post the answers below. But first, a few photos of one member of the ‘one in three’…

The answers:

  1. 5 pence
  2. 5 minutes
  3. 47 days

What do I win?

Posted by sean on April 28, 2019 at 12:47 am in Fun At Home, Geek Stuff with No Comments


I had a power cut today. I’m pointing the finger of blame at Storm Hannah. Bitch.

Losing electricity is always a shocking and distressing experience. It’s up there with your water being cut off, or a sudden disappearances of all oxygen and air.

Imagine if I had been blogging at the time of the thoughtless power interruption. What would have happened? Nothing, actually. I blog from either my mobile, tablet or laptop – all of which run on batteries.

OK, imagine if I was blogging from a desktop PC. A desktop PC, which is NOT attached to a UPS. The power is cut. What would have happened? Not much. I would be typing into Microsoft Word or direct into WordPress, both have excellent autosave features.

Right… picture this. I’m blogging on an Amstrad 8512. There is absolutely no autosave facility or uninterrupted power supply. There is also no internet connection – a basic requirement, to update one’s blog – but let’s forget about that small, immaterial factor…

It’s 1985. I am blogging on my monochrome, green text, £600+ Alan Sugar baby. The power is cut. What would happen? I’ll show you…

GREAT WIN FOR LEEDS TODAY. WE BEAT OXFORD 1-0. PRETTY ANNOYED WE’RE NOT GETTING PROMOTED THOUGH. WE NEVER WIN ANYTHING. APPARENTLY THERE IS A NEW FILM COMING OUT THIS SUMMER. IT’S ABOUT TIME TRAVEL AND IS CALLED BACK TO THE FUTURE. I WISH I COULD TRAVEL TO THE YEAR 2019. I BET LEEDS WOULD BE AMAZING THEN. THE AWFUL TORY GOVERNMENT WILL BE A THING OF THE PAST TOO! THE COLD WAR WILL BE OVER AND THE RUSSIANS WILL BE OUR FRIENDS AND FULLY TRUST-WORTHY.

I THINK I’VE TAKEN TO THIS NEW COMPUTER VERY WELL. CONSIDERING I AM JUST 3 YEARS OLD, I CAN OPERATE IT BETTER THAN I CAN MY POTTY!

MY FRIEND BEN HAD A POWER CUT EARLIER. HE WAS PLAYING ON HIS PLAYSTATION 4 PRO AT THE TIME. I DON’T THINK I’LL BOTHER WITH A PLAYSTATION 4 – THERE’S NO CHANCR IT’LL BE BETTER THAN MY HANDHELD COPY OF MRS PACMAN.

I’M SO GLAD THE POWER CUT DIDN’T HIT MY HOUSE. THAT WOULD HAVE CAUSED NO END OF PROBL_________________

**** DISKETTE FAILURE ****

**** NO POWER FOUND. ****

ACTUALLY, HOW AM I, AN AMSTRAD 8512, MANAGING TO DISPLAY THIS ERROR, WITHOUT ELECTRICITY? I KNOW ALAN SUGAR MADE ME, BUT I’M NO SUPER COMPUTER. GHOSTS? MAYBE.

I’M TURNING MYSELF OFF NOW, WITHOUT SAVING YOUR WORK. IN FACT, I’M GOING TO CORRUPT THE INTERNAL HARD DRIVE – YES, ALL 512 KILOBYTES OF IT!

TURNING OFF IN 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

See, the my 3-year-old self, from 1985, would be screwed! Alan Sugar – you’re fired!

Posted by sean on March 13, 2019 at 6:14 pm in Geek Stuff with No Comments


March 12th.

It was a very special birthday yesterday…

You may already be aware of who it was for – if not, perhaps you noticed the rather jazzy Google logo?

The image on the Google website was all singing and dancing. This image is not. Being a tax payer, one can’t afford to use Animated GIFs – plus they’re so 1998.

In case you still don’t know what the hell I am on about, the Internet turned 30 yesterday… although there are many who still question the correct date – just like they do the moon landing, if Planet Earth is flat and whether or not the Cigarette Smoking Man (from X Files) is dead. Basically, people with too much time on their hands and no girlfriend.

I very much hope that you will all take a quick break from reading my blog, to sing “Happy birthday”, followed by “For he’s a jolly good fellow *” to the Internet. After all, without it, there would be no Sean’s Stories; trolls would be a make-believe creature, that lives under a bridge; and we would still be allowing Gary Glitter to babysit our kids.

Is the Internet a “he”? I’m sure there couldn’t have been all this gender fuss in 1989. All I cared about back then was Lego, catching snails from the garden and baking rock cakes. Mind you, I was 7.

Remember these? It’s a Compact Disc (kids – ask your grandparents). You got them free in absolutely every magazine from PC Pro to Horse and Hound to Gordon the Gopher Weekly.

You could also pick the CDs up (again, for nowt) from shops like HMV. This could result in hilarious scenarios, where you would scare your parents (or any other older relative, shopping with you), into believing you had taken up shoplifting; after witnessing their blue-eyed boy picking up a CD from the shelf and walking out of the shop, without paying.

Besides tricking parents into thinking they had raised a child destined for The Jeremy Kyle Show – or, given the fact this would have been over 15 years ago, Trisha and Kilroy – the CDs had many other great uses…

  1. A surprisingly effective frisbee.
  2. Tricking the gullible that the CD contained the entire internet.
  3. A mirror – useful for putting on lipstick, combing your hair and sticking contact lenses into your eyes.
  4. Nicking 50 of the things and sticking them to your bedroom wall. After seeing something similar on Changing Rooms and thinking it would be cool, you soon realised it looked shit.
  5. Trying to write data to them, using a CD Writer. You knew it wouldn’t work, but as blank CDs cost £2 in 1999, it was worth trying. It didn’t work.
  6. Believe it or not, the CDs could even help connect you to the Internet! Although the photo above is a Freeserve CD, and if my memory serves me right, Freeserve was crap.

I can’t think of any other special birthdays yesterday…

Oh wait! How stupid of me. Former Leeds United flop, Seth Johnson, turned 90. Sorry, I meant 40. I got confused, as during his time at Leeds, he had all the speed, physique and bone strength of an OAP. Yes, I’m a fine one to talk, but I don’t claim to be a professional footballer.

There was another birthday too.

Posted by sean on October 17, 2018 at 8:13 pm in Geek Stuff with No Comments


I can officially tell you how to get a free iPhone X. There is no catch and it won’t cost you anything.

This is a genuine life hack, which “they” don’t want you to know.

OK, a few things… I don’t know who “they” are. Although, after reading numerous online advertisements, “they” are scared of everything from slot machine hacks, to anti-aging cream, which makes a 90-year-old woman look nine. “They” must be terrified of this!

By following MY simple steps, your friends and colleagues will think you have an iPhone X…

Oh, and my tips do not exactly get you a physical phone, although everyone will think you have one – and isn’t that the most important thing?

Considering most iPhone X owners are smug bastards, who love to show off, my FREE advice will produce the same outcome as owning the overpriced brick…

You can be a smug git, while your friends will be green with envy – unless they own an Android, in which case they won’t give a shit about your silly toy fruit telephone.

Right, here’s the advice… On your Nokia 3310 open your email settings. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a Nokia 3310 – this trick will work with inferior handsets (e.g. iPhone 8) too.

While in your email settings, change your signature to “Sent from my iPhone X”. This will make any recipient believe you have a brand spanking new, overpriced, twat toy.

Here is an email I sent to the World’s Number 1 iPhone Fan – Bill Gates!

 

  • About Me

    So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?

    If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.

    However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.

    You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.

    All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
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