With the puddles of Storm Ciaira barely evaporated from our streets, another is on the way.

Thankfully for me – a blogger of pointless waffle – Mother Nature’s latest hissy fit has been named Storm Dennis.

The good thing about that is unlike ‘Ciaira’, there are many famous people named Dennis…

DENNIS Wise

• One is a little rodent with sharp teeth. The other was my pet hamster. Boom!

Les DENNIS

• Presented Family Fortunes in ye olde days, before Vernon Kay.
• Gail Platt’s bit on the side. I haven’t watched Coronation Street for years, so for all I know, his character could be dead.

DENNIS (The Menace)

• The chubby blonde with the pig nose had his own TV show. I watched it as a child. Weekend mornings on Channel 4.
• After years of mental torment, drove his neighbour, Mr Wilson, to an early grave.
• The black haired Dennis with a dog, was a lead character in The Beano – a popular comic in the 20th century. A bit like The Sun, but for more advanced readers.
• ‘Beano Dennis’ was known as “The Menace”, although should have been “The ASBO”, as some of his menacing was borderline GBH.
• His dog, Gnasher, would have been euthanised under the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991.
• Nowadays, both Blondy and ASBO would be ‘on the spectrum’.

Time will tell if Storm Dennis will be as weak and disappointing as Les, or as violent and wild as ‘Beano Dennis’.

Based upon the way these storms are named, the next one will be a girl’s name, beginning with ‘E’.

To help me do another blog of celebrity namesakes, I’ll be hoping for Storm Emma – although it will probably be something like Storm Eglantine.

This weekend, we all enjoyed Storm Ciara. At this point, I would normally post a picture of a famous Ciara, in a bad attempt to make this blog post humorous. However, I can’t think of any celebrity Ciaras. There’s probably one in The Only Way is Essex or Made in Chelsea, but as I have never watched such rubbish, I wouldn’t know.

All I know is that on Sunday, the wind battered the windows and the rain was torrential. As I had no need to leave the house, I thought the wild weather was excellent.

Bath had an amber warning for wind, which presumably meant things were pretty bad.

One of the other three warnings is yellow – something about nothing, basically a storm in a teacup.

The other far greater and more severe warning is red. This is where you find the nearest basement or underground station. If this is out of the question, I suppose you have no option but to just shit your pants.

Unfortunately, we don’t have a basement. Not that I could get into one anyway, unless it came with a stair lift. Bath also lacks a tube network, so hiding in the underground is out of the question. Therefore, if we are ever unlucky enough to be trapped in a red weather warning, I’ll be sure to have enough underwear!

Yesterday afternoon, I found myself lying on the bed, in front of the television, enjoying a delicious hot chocolate. Can you blame me? It was hot chocolate weather at its finest!

I found myself looking towards the bedroom window at the trees, blowing in the gale force winds. I even saw ramblers walking up and down the hill – part of the Cotswolds Walk – are they insane?

Like my wife, Claire, I love cruising. I think anyone who has ever been on a cruise ship – however dubious pre-sail – feels the same. Once you’ve had a taste of it, you want to cruise again and again and again!

Despite my addiction to the high seas, this is one weekend where I am glad not to be aboard a ship. Remarkably, cruises are still operating in the storm’s path.

Everyone at sea right now must feel so poorly! If I wanted to spend 48 hours throwing up my guts, I can think of far cheaper ways…

Dine in one of Bath’s numerous eateries with a 0 or 1 star hygiene rating. The chicken liver patè would be a safe bet for catching something nasty – although “safe” probably isn’t the most appropriate word!

Being a sensible cruise operator, who, in my experience, make safety a high priority, P&O were forced to alter some of their planned itineraries in the wake of Storm Ciara.

Predictably, these changes resulted in customers complaining on social media. Presumably some of these people would have preferred it had the ship’s captain ploughed into the storm. At least the moaners would get to appear on television – although probably not on Cruises From Hell.

Not all customers affected by the changes demanded the safety of the thousands on board be compromised. Most were fully understanding of the reasons why avoiding certain ports during a storm, would be anything but a totally deranged decision by P&O.

Some still tried their luck at getting ‘compo’!

The weather is still windy today; so, wherever you may be – land or sea – stay safe!

I am bracing myself for the terrible weather which is forecast to hit Bath and such of the UK.

If you believe the weatherman, we can expect lots of rain and gale force winds. The weather did look rather rough this afternoon, but has annoyingly calmed down now that it is time to go to sleep.

The bad weather is supposed to step it up tomorrow. I wonder if this means that, at the time of writing this blog, we are in the eye of the storm? A term I learned from The Simpsons – Episode [4F07] Hurricane Neddy.

I love lying in bed at night, listening to the wind and rain batter the house. As long as it doesn’t batter too hard – now that I am a homeowner, I would have to deal with any damage caused.

One of the very few perks of renting the property you live in, is that the landlord has to deal with any problems like leaking roofs, frozen pipes and the side of the house blowing off.

This storm has been named Storm Brendan. I don’t know how these weather boffins decide on a name – I’m sure it’s a recent thing.

Until recently, people would just refer to bad weather as “pissing it down”, or if you’re visiting your gran, “raining cats and dogs”.

Whatever the reason for the name, if this storm damages my house, I’m blaming Brendan from Coach Trip. Or maybe Brendan Rogers – the Leicester City manager. That’s probably a better option – he’ll have more money.

All joking aside, please take care out there. These high winds can be very dangerous. It’s all too easy to get blown over and break your leg…

… don’t worry. Given how accident prone I am, I won’t be leaving the house tomorrow!

I was about to start writing a blog post about this wonderful Autumnal weather, when I had a vague recollection of a similar post I once made.

After a quick search, I discovered that it was almost exactly a year ago – 364 days – that I took to WordPress to blog about one of life’s small pleasures.

I love this time of year. I feel especially appreciative of the weather and the associated cool temperatures, after the horrendous summer we had.

Many may have forgotten, while some (sadists) actually enjoyed the extreme heat experienced throughout the season. Day after day, week after week, month after… you get the idea. It was hot.

“It’s HOT and we’re all going to die! I blame those bloody immigrants!”

When the weather is colder, it is a lot easier to feel comfortable. If you’re too cold, you can wear an extra layer of clothing.

On the other hand, if it’s too hot, there is only so much you can do. There were nights in July, where the heat was so extreme that had I taken off any more layers, I would be removing my skin! The heat was constant too – day after day, week… sorry – I’ve already done that bit.

If THIS is the alternative to the cold and wet, I’m happy to live in October forever.

Think of me as Goldilocks. Actually, don’t – she illegally broke into and entered a house, owned by a family of three law-abiding bears *.

* Note: In 1996, as a student, Daddy Bear was issued with a police caution for defecating in the woods, during a night out with friends.

Goldilocks stole and consumed her victims porridge. One bowl was too hot, another had gone cold, but one was perfect. You know the story. I am like that with weather.

The hot bowl of porridge is a heatwave in the middle of July. The cold bowl is March 2018. Remember all that snow? I couldn’t get into work, despite living practically around the corner from my office. I therefore had to use two days of my annual leave, in order to cover my absence. Too cold.

Finally, or rather this time of year, I am Goldilocks eating Baby Bear’s porridge. A cruel and callous act, but the porridge and weather is JUST RIGHT!

What happens next to Goldilocks, very much depends upon which version of the book you were read as a child. The U (suitable for all) version, involves Mr, Mrs and Baby Bear returning home to find Goldilocks in a bed, sleeping off her breakfast. They disturb the sleeping thief, who wakes up and is obviously terrified to find three bears eyeing her up and thinking of lunch. She’s also aware of a 12 month suspended sentence for cheating Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother out of her life savings; so the porridge theft could land her in real trouble. Goldilocks runs away.

If, like me, you were read the PG (parental guidance) edition; instead of fleeing the scene of the crime, Goldilocks is brutally attacked by the bears; who later go on to eat her alive.

In court, the bears pleaded a similar case to Tony Martin. The farmer who shot and killed a burglar.

“Get orrrf my land!”

Remember, I did spend most of my junior school years in Bristol, so was read this version, instead of the less brutal tale, which I later heard attending a middle class, Church of England school in a wealthy area of Bath.

I hope the similarities between Goldilocks and myself are limited to an aversion to all things of extreme heat or cold, and I won’t be dealing with the equivalent of a bear attack anytime soon.

I have moved way off topic and things have become a little weird. Let’s therefore get back on track…

The cold, crisp Autumnal air is beautiful. Arriving home, to a toasty house, thanks to that wonderful invention, known as central heating. So cosy and welcoming. Add to the scenario, Claire and Roman waiting for me, with an almost unlimited supply of blankets, to warm me up – not forgetting food, drink and our large screen television!

I love it.

“It’s COLD and we’re all going to die! I blame those bloody immigrants!”

Unfortunately, rain is forecast for the remainder of the week, meaning that once I arrive home from work, enjoying a cosy house will be the last thing on my mind – I’ll be after a towel and change of clothes, after getting soaked!

Mind you, listening to the rain hammering against the windows, while snug in the house is blissful – assuming that I don’t have to go outside in it!

What a wonderful sight – assuming that you don’t have to leave the house anytime soon…

Thankfully, it’s the weekend and I have no plans to do anything – apart from hearing the wind and rain outside, while I’m warm and dry indoors.

There’s not many better things in life, than falling asleep – me after I’ve published this post – while listening to water against windows…

Not exactly what I meant…

That’s better!