Damn chavs nowadays. No respect for authority. Yesterday I was going to the local shops to buy something for dinner and passed through a group of them who were arguing with a policeman. The little fuckers were giving the officer an onslaught of abuse. It’s a shame public floggings have been abolished.

After shopping I had to pass the group of chavs, this time there was no policeman to distract them from innocent passers by. As I walked past, minding my own business, one of the fuckers, who must have been 7 foot tall (well, maybe), walked out in front of me and asked if I was “Alrite”. Not wanting him to steal my Tomato and Mozzarella Pasta Bake I acknowledged the imbecile and hurried home.

I bet he wasn’t really asking I was OK. I bet he wanted to rape and kill me. If he sees me again and does do that I hope he kills me first.

After my encounter with the chavs I went to the park for an evening of football with friends. Mr. White turned up to play after his holiday in France. Bike in one hand, can of Castlemaine in another. I was reassured that the country famous serving up frogs legs, snails and horse meat had not changed his ways.

We played for hours, 4-a-side, Mr. White, fuelled by the Castlemaine, his answer to Lucozade played a blinder. Simon (my coach) and Steve bossed the defence while Spratt (my arch rival on the field, now team mate) ran down the wing while I barked at him like a rabid dog, demanding he pass me the ball so I could score – which I did.

I was also accused by one player of being too physical and “a Leeds thug”. Football is a contact sport, if he wants to play pussy football he can go and join The Cristiano Ronaldo Soccer School.

It was a good evening, just a shame there were no football scouts watching as there would be four new additions to the England squad, replacing Frank Lampard, David Beckham, John Terry and Michael Owen.

Mr. White, the “English Ronaldinho” with his alcoholic sports drink

I found this pile of twigs, lolly sticks and leaves in the park.
It reminded me of something from out of The Blair Witch Project.