Today I was brave. Not only brave – bold, courageous and heroic. I did something I rarely do, simply because it is too dangerous. I went into Bath city centre shopping! Yes, I know, I know. I would like to act modest and say “It was nothing”, but I would be lying. Quite frankly, I deserve a George Cross.

The streets of Bath were relatively peaceful. HMV, Lakeland, the Pound Shop and even WH Smith were all unusually absent of mad crowds of shoppers. Things were quiet. Too quiet. Like in any horror movie, when things are ‘too quiet’, it normally means unmeasurable terror will shortly be unleashed. I was not wrong.

Claire and I went into Marks and Spencer to buy some socks (rock and roll), a few birthday cards for a quid (always worthwhile keeping some of these) and a meal for Valentine’s Day tomorrow. BIG MISTAKE. Since what seems like Halloween, M&S have been using television advertisements to promote their Valentine’s Day meals; brainwashing audiences nationwide. “This isn’t just any chicken nuggets” the adverts promise “These are M&S chicken nuggets, made using the breast of hens fed on blueberries and saffron, and prepared by Italian virgins” For legal reasons that last bit was a lie. Probably. Maybe not. OK, probably a lie.

It seemed half of Somerset; no, half of England had descended upon the food section of the Bath branch, all shopping for Valentine’s Day food and drink. Anyone who has ever had the misfortune and stupidity to go shopping on Christmas Eve will testify how busy it is. It was like that. Probably worse. For some reason, every shopper over the age of 40 had taken a mobility scooter with them and almost every woman was pushing a child around in a buggy the size of a small car. So, not only did I have to carefully manoeuvre myself through a mass of people, but also dodge all the vehicles they had decided to take with them.

I escaped with my life. I am still shaken though. The most disturbing thing of the whole experience is knowing that after seeing all those people buying sexy M&S food today, a lot of people in Bath are going to be ‘getting some’ tomorrow night. Expect a boom of scooter-driving, pram-pushing babies in November.