Something I told myself I would never do again, is write a live blog, while watching a football game. My first and only live football blog was during this summer’s World Cup, when England lost to Uruguay. It is Saturday lunchtime, and being a little stuck for anything else to do, apart from watch my team, Leeds against Sheffield Wednesday on Sky, I thought it would be apt to do another live blogging session. I just hope this blog ends in victory. Of course, this is a live blog, so expect lots of spelling mistakes (OK, more than normal) as I’ll have no time to proof read. My football knowledge is also shite, so there won’t be any expert analysis, blah blah blah. Given that Leeds have also signed about 500 new players this summer, I won’t know any of their names either. Here we go…

14:14 – That’s enough from me. I hope you enjoyed this live blog, although I would be truly amazed if anyone actually read it live. In fact, besides myself, this whole thing will probably never be read by anyone.

14:11 – So it wasn’t Tim Westwood after all. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.

14:08- That be that. 1-1. Would have preferred a win, but given the fact we were losing, I’ll take it. Pfft. I can’t wait for the day when we’re really good again. Manchester City beat Sheffield Wednesday 7-0 the other week… SEVEN NIL!

14:05 – I was hoping to find an image of an empty tin of Tesco baked beans…

14:03 – Things more useful than Steve Morison…

14:02 – SERIOUS FOOTBALL POST: Why is Steve Morison even on the pitch? You may as well bring on a three-legged, blind dog.

13:59 – Sheffield keep creating chances, which is leading me to bite my already eaten fingernails. Haven’t they read the script? Leeds are supposed to win this, in the final minute, leading the stadium in Leeds and me in Bath to go absolutely mental.

13:54 – I am cautious because when I did the blog on the England game, Rooney equalised, only for Uruguay to score a winner moments later.

13:53 – You probably gathered from the below outburst that Leeds scored. One of the many Italians in the team, Bellusci, equalising for SUPER Leeds!

13:52- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13:51 – Now a Sheffield player has been booked after teasing a Leeds player with the rhyme “I’m telling on you ‘cos you licked my lolly and you kissed my dolly and you never said sorry”

13:47 – Still losing. Don’t look like scoring. I don’t want to sound like a teenage girl on Facebook, but “FML”

13:44 – Following on from tongue-gate, Sam Byram has just been booked for stealing a Sheffield player’s lunch money….

13:42 – I’ve just had to rewind the TV twice, in case I misheard the commentator. Apparently a Sheffield player caused upset by sticking his tongue out… seriously?

13:39 – I am still her and there are handbags on the pitch between both sets of players. A Leeds player has been booked. Leeds are still losing, which makes me sad.

13:29 – I hate supporting Leeds sometimes

13:26  – Tim Westwood, the Sheffield goalkeeper, keeps saving shot after shot. Can someone cut his arms off or something?

13:24 – Oh for fucks sake. Out of absolutely nothing, Sheffield have scored. I told you this would happen. I hope you put that bet on…

13:22 – I am most disturbed. Throughout my time as a Leeds fan, the TV commentators have always hated my club and criticised them at any given opportunity. For some reason, this afternoon, they are all over them like a rash. It’s a Leeds love-in. What’s more, they’re slating Sheffield Wednesday. What have they done to piss off Sky?

13:20 – I wish Leeds wouldn’t do this to me. They nearly scored twice in two minutes.

13:18 – The second half has kicked off again, so I can return to being uptight and stressed.

13:15 – Back to blogging unrelated bollocks, this appears to be the best offer and most exciting product in the “Home Hardware” brochure, which dropped onto the doormat earlier today.

13:12 – SERIOUS FOOTBALL POST ALERT: Thinking about it, we’ve actually looked quite good. The defence is solid and we are creating chances down the channels. For the first time in a while, we look like a football team.

13:09 – I am back. I’ve just seen an advert on TV for a ‘magic mat’, which claims to soak up lots of liquid – “three times it’s own weight”, in fact. Wow, that really is magic. David Blaine must be shitting himself. If only I had one now – I could have urinated onto it, without the need to leave the sofa and climb the stairs to the bathroom.

13:04 – I’m off for a half time piss and refreshment break. I’ll be back shortly to update you all on the junk mail posted through the letterbox.

13:02 – So that’s that. Half time. 0-0. I’m a Leeds fan and I’m bored, so what must neutrals be thinking?

13:00 – Sheffield should be winning. The player called May, with lots of tattoos, had a free header. This was literally seconds after the twattish commentators remarked how the Leeds owner was happy because his team were not losing.

12:56 – Still 0-0, but I’m starting to think bad thoughts… we will lose this. I guarantee it. Lump your mortgage on it. If you haven’t got a mortgage, stick your life savings on an away win. It’s like printing money.

12:55 – I can’t believe the bloke below was renowned for hip hop music. I look more ‘gangsta’ than him!

12:53 – OK, this is TIM Westwood. Next time I see a closeup of the goalkeeper, I’ll see if they look the same.

12:50 – The Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper is called Westwood. I assume this is the goalkeeper who used to play for Carlisle United and not Tim Westwood, who previously played all that rap music on Radio 1.

12:46 – Leeds get a free kick. The fans ironically cheer, suggesting that up until now, the referee has given them nothing and has been shit. To be fair he has been. All referees are shit. FACT.

12:42 – I realise I am yet to upload any photos for my live blog, Fear not, here is one of my new mug, which I drank coffee from, for the very first time, earlier today…

13:38 – Leeds fans singing “Sky TV is fucking shit”, loud and clear for the camera. I love my fellow supporters.

12:37 – The fore mentioned unknown player sounds like he was called More-Doh-Ma. If he does score, I’ll certainly be going “Doh!”.

12:35 – A Sheffield Wednesday player, who I don’t know the name of, just shot at goal, but it went miles wide. The Leeds fans jeered, the commentators mocked. I bet this player scores the winner.

12:33 – Fuck-a-duck, Leeds nearly scored again. Rudolph Austin shot from way out with an absolute thunder-bastard of a strike. Goalkeeper saved. Bastard.

12:28 – A slight moment of excitement for me as Leeds nearly score. Lucky for my neighbour, they didn’t. Had they done so, I would have made noise. Lots of noise. If a postman delivering a supermarket catalogue causes the dog to bark, my shouting would make it shit – everywhere.

12:23 – In the summer, Leeds allowed their defender, Tom Lees, to join Wednesday. Sky keep going on about his return to Elland Road like it is as big as when Sol Campbell first played against Tottenham after moving to Arsenal.

12:21 – I can hear one set of fans on TV singing “we all hate Leeds scum”. This is either Sheffield fans being bitter, or Leeds supporters being ironic.

12:20 – I have my crisps. For those interested, the flavour is Chilli Heatwave. The postman has just been, chucking a pile of junkmail through the letterbox. If this game gets boring, at least I can read that. Next door’s dog has gone mental at the postie’s arrival.

12:18 – Predictably, the free kick came to nothing. I’m off to get a packet of Doritos.

12:17 – One of the many new Leeds Italian players (the one with a beard) has won a free kick on the edge of the area. What will this come to???

12:16 – Great start. The mouse touchpad on my laptop stopped working. That would have put an early end to this live blogging thing.