Leeds United fans’ favourite and general superhero, Gaetano Berardi, scored his first ever goal. It may have “only” been against Newport in the FA Cup, but a goal’s a goal, and as Berardi scored, it was fucking fantastic.

Fast forward towards the end of the match. The score line is 1-1. Newport have just cancelled out Gaetano’s opener, and are about to bring on substitute, Shawn McCoulsky. The significance of this change is not because he shares the same name as me (although spells it wrong), but because last season he spent some time playing for Bath City.

Despite only facing the likes of Concord Rangers and Eastbourne (hardly up there with the mighty Leeds United), I was aware of the qualities possessed by Shawn Sean, so was beginning to touch cloth. Touching cloth soon became a big, steaming turd in the pants, when the ex-Bath City striker leapt like a salmon, scoring the winning goal.

Shawn McCoulsky during happier times (for me)

Then things went a bit mental, when Leeds’ best player, Samuel Saiz, was shown a straight red card. By this point, my bowel movements had turned into explosive diarrhoea. Not only had we lost an FA Cup game, to lower league opposition, AGAIN; but we will now be without our only half decent player for the foreseeable future. We’re fucked.

It has now transpired that Saiz was dismissed for allegedly spitting at a Newport player. Now if this is true, it is disgusting and he deserves any punishment he receives. Unless it’s the death penalty… that might be a bit harsh, even for gobbing. Twitter has predictably gone into meltdown. To preserve my sanity, I have done my best to avoid it this afternoon, although did chuckle at the suggestion that a DNA test should be one on the phlegm splattered all over the Newport player’s shirt, to prove whether or not it was Saiz. As if it’s the Jeremy Kyle Show…