Have you ever noticed that cows are rather stupid animals?

A large herd of the creatures regularly appear in the fields behind our house. It’s nice to see. The view from the bedroom window in our previous home looked over the street and onto a huge chimney at the local hospital.

As I have mentioned on my blog in the past, ‘lockdown’ has resulted in an increased number of ramblers, runners and dog walkers enjoying the countryside.

Claire and I enjoy looking out upon a field full of cattle; as despite having questionable levels of intelligence, they are rather beautiful beasts. We feel privileged to live so close to them.

What upsets us, is when the humans using the fields disturb the herd. All it’ll take is a woman walking a dog, or a jogging MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra) to enter the vicinity of the cattle, for the entire herd to disappear from our sight and not return until the next day.

Why do the cows do this? Excluding animals in zoos and safari parks, cows must be the largest and strongest creatures on British soil. Plus, the fact they live in a herd means that there are loads of them!

If it wanted, I am sure that a single cow could take on a group of people. It wouldn’t even have to hurt them. All it would need to do is moo aggressively for a bit, and if that doesn’t work, run at the annoying humans.

A large group of people? Dogs? No problem. Those cows live as part of a herd. At times there are about twenty of the beasts – surely they could charge at the nasty people invading their field. I am sure any man or woman would run away and never return, if they were to see 15 tonnes of Big Mac stampeding their way.

These guys may be tough, but they have nothing on Daisy and Clover…

If I am nothing else, I am caring. I would love it if my blog could make a difference to someone’s life. As far as I am aware, in the 16 years I have been running this website, I am yet to hear from anyone who has benefited from my posts.

I am therefore hoping that one of the cows in the local herd will locate this blog post and find my suggestions helpful. Then those MAMILs will be in for it!

Before you all start to think that this whole COVID isolation-lark has driven me completely mad, I am well aware how stupid that last bit may sound…

Cows reading my blog? Ha! Of course that’ll never happen. For my idea to work, I’ll need to write my post in a language that a cow can understand…

Moooo moo mooo mo. Mooooo mo mo mo! Mooo mo mo mo mooo mooooo. Moooo moooo mooooo mo mo mo. Moooo moo moooooo mo. Moooo mo moooo mo. Mooooo moooo moooo moooo. Mo mooooo mo mooooo? Mo mooooo mooooo mo mooooo mooooo…

Moo, mo mooo mooo. Moo mo moooooo. Mo moo mooo mooooo moo – mo mooooo mo mo mooooo mooooo. Mo mo mo mooo mooooo mooo moooo mooo mooooo mooooo.

Moooo moo.

That should do the trick.

You’re welcome, cows – “Mooo mo mo, mooo”

Unlike me, Rosetta Stone doesn’t cater for bovines…