Today I went for an eye appointment at the opticians, or as I like to call them “The Eye Dentists”. Unlike regular dentists, these ones do not gauge at your mouth with sharp instruments and cause massive blood loss. They do however cause great distress and trauma.

Upon arrival to the opticians, you sit by the reception, waiting for your name to be called. When it finally is your turn, you are asked to enter a small cubicle and ordered onto an uncomfortable metal stool. The experience can be likened to that of death row. Taking that last walk before and sitting down in the electric chair.

Once seated, the eye dentist commands that you read letters from an illuminated board on the wall. If you fail to recite what is written correctly, they make notes on a pad of paper, probably about what a thick twat you are for not knowing your ABC. If you do read the letters as displayed, as punishment for being too cocky, the eye dentist will shine a torch into your pupils. The light from this torch will equal that of football stadium floodlights and burn away your retina.

After escaping from Specsavers and recovering from my temporary blindness I set off home. The time was 4.30pm, the worst possible time to get a bus, especially on a Friday. Office and shop workers dash home to their bottles of wine and beer, they cram onto the buses, which are already full of school children.

On the journey home the bus stopped by the park. A rather large lady climbed aboard. There were no seats left. Everybody looked at one another, all thinking the same thing “Is she pregnant or just a fat bitch? Should I give her my seat?” Somebody near the front offered the bloater a seat which she gratefully took. I still do not know whether she was pregnant or just fat, but as a rule, I would rather see a pregnant woman standing than a fat lady sitting down crying. I do actually think she probably was expecting a child… adopting.

I am still having major internet problems. Originally I blamed the Belkin bridge, and as you can see below, it nearly took a trip to the local sewers during some frustrating periods. After investigation however, I have learnt that the cause of the problem is probably the shit wireless router provided by Sky. They always say “you get what you pay for”. Well, we paid fuck all for this router, and at the moment, that is what we are getting.

“ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING WORK OR AM I GONNA HAVE TO DROWN YA?”

Currently, the south of Bath city centre is like a building site.
It’s like they’re digging up a mass grave.