Yesterday evening was spent at Mr. White’s house. His parents have gone on holiday and left their treasured family home in his safe and capable hands. Bad idea.
I have mentioned numerous times in the past what happens when White is left in charge of his house. Parties are organised, hundreds of pissheads from Bath and the surrounding areas come round and all police annual leave is cancelled.
In the few hours I spent at the party, I had to defend myself from a drunk who wanted to steal my debit card in order to register for a hardcore pornography website and avoid having a bicycle lock secured to my neck.
Thankfully, my level headed friend Simon turned up, bringing along some of his most trusted and sensible allies to defend me. We then played some intensive rounds of GoldenEye and attempted to watch Match of the Day. I say attempted. It’s a little difficult to concentrate when all you can hear in the background is some awful punk rock ballad played repetitively on a nearby HiFi and the sounds of hardcore porn from upstairs.
Other distractions included a Hungarian girl using the word “cunt” in every sentence, something that was rather bizarre and slightly shocking, especially with the foreign accent.
You must be wondering how I survived the evening. Well, I don’t just watch Peep Show for entertainment, it’s an education. If Mark Corrigan has taught me nothing else, it’s that when you’re in a strange, disturbing place, you have to close your eyes and say to yourself “I’m Louis Theroux, I’m Louis Theroux”. Either that or line up a load of unopened beer cans and drink yourself to death.
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