Posted by sean on April 7, 2014 at 8:54 pm in Television with No Comments

OK, I admit it – I watch a lot of shit TV. Tonight’s offering of television tripe was “Hercules the Human Bear”. Yes, that was a real program, made by real people, who were paid real money. It was on Channel Five, which is hardly a surprise.

I didn’t actually watch it live. David at work recommended it to me, so I got it on Sky’s On Demand thingy. I think the fact I went out of my way to actually download the damn thing, in high definition, probably makes the situation even worse.

I haven’t watched the entire program yet. It is quite long and I had to stop it to watch the football and preserve which little sanity I do have. I will, of course, continue to watch it later in the week, ideally subjecting Claire to it. She’s working a long day today, so is oblivious to the strange thing I have downloaded onto our Sky box.

I am sure you’re all very interested what the bear thing was about. Quite simply, it was about a man who kept a bear. Not a teddy bear. Not a koala or some shit miniature bear, you can keep in the garden shed. No, this was a fully grown bear. It was massive.

The program followed a crazy Scotsman, who wrestled bears for money (the natural sport in Scotland, I believe). After fighting a bear, he found out he actually liked the animals, so adopted one from a zoo. He fed it cooked breakfasts, which it ate at the dinner table with the man’s wife. They also got drunk together in front of the fire. Happy families.

One day, the Scot took the bear out for a walk. The bear had to wear a lead, like a dog. I don’t think his wife was on a leash. These walks weren’t exactly down the street to the corner shop, picking up a packet of fags and a newspaper. They were treks up Scottish mountains and into vast lakes. Yes, the bear could swim too, like some giant, hairy, bear-shaped fish. I think the bear must have become fed up with being taken around with rope around its neck, as it ran away. The man cried.

This triggered a man hunt, or rather bear hunt, involving the local policeman, a few local nutters and the army. It was at about this point that I stopped watching. They had found and tranquilised the animal, wrapped it up in a net and were flying off with it, dangling from a helicopter.

What will happen next? Will the bear survive? Will its owner ever get to fight it again? Will the bear have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous? I can’t wait to find out.

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