When I arrived home yesterday evening, I found this waiting for me on my doorstep.

The Panini branded international envelope with its unevenly weighted contents could mean only one thing – the remaining 24 stickers for my World Cup 2014 album had arrived! I had a brief moment of extreme elation. the kind you would feel if you found a scratch card on the floor, with a £100,000 prize. I eventually calmed down, coming to the realisation that I hadn’t won the lottery and just received a letter containing my precious stickers.

Before I started sticking, I had things to do. It was bin day in the morning. I went into the garden, picked up the recycling, walked to the front of the house, ensuring I avoided the cat shit on the lawn. I then got the bin bags, walked to the front of the house, again, taking care to avoid the cat shit on the lawn. It was then off to the kitchen to do the washing up, before texting Claire, who was still at work, to tell her that I loved her and what a good future husband I was for doing all that housework. I then showered.

All clean, in my jammies and smelling of Lynx, it was time to get sticking! I tweeted Sam, a fellow collector, to inform him of my good news, before carefully opening the envelope and sticking the glossy bits of paper into the album. All the big name players were there – Nigel de Jong, Victor Moses and El Arbi Soudani.

As I stuck more and more into the album, something didn’t feel right. Something was wrong. Worried, and sensing a build-up of peril, I checked my stickers. Two were missing! Numbers 112 and 269. That’s right – they had only left Gerard Piqué and Egidio Arévalo Ríos behind! Instead I had been sent pissing Sergio Ramos and HALF of the Pantanal Arena (ironically, a stadium where a construction worker was killed last week).

I was mad. Somebody had stitched me up. It was like I had won the lottery, only for Jeremy fuckin’ Beadle to come out of a cupboard and tell me it was all a joke. Well I’m not laughing, Panini. I’m not laughing one bit!

What was I going to do? I did what every British man does when they’re angry. I wrote a letter. Except I’m in the 21st century, so I emailed them.

I’m still mad. If there is any justice in the world, Italy, the country where Panini are based, will lose 10-0 to England, scoring 9 own goals and allowing goalkeeper Joe Hart to get the other, before crashing out of the World Cup.