Posted by sean on July 3, 2020 at 7:02 am in Me Vs. The World with 1 Comment

As you will know from recent blog posts, I made the interesting discovery that drivers for the courier firm Hermes have a lower IQ than a gerbil.

This morning, another parcel delivery firm has managed to grind my gears. The company responsible – Yodel.

I can guarantee that a quick search on social media or just Google, will tell you a lot about Yodel’s reputation and approach to customer relations. The only thing I am not certain of is who has the worst overall feedback – Yodel or Hermes.

The good news for Yodel is that I see no reason why their drivers should not at hold intelligence greater than, or at least equal to, a guinea pig.

The bad news is that they appear to be suffering from a severe case of Monkey Shoulder.

I originally encountered this disease in my first job, when I was a young, bright-eyed whippersnapper. A manager gave me some advice on how to have a successful career…

If you are given a task to complete, the situation should be handled in the same way you would treat a monkey on your shoulder.

No, not scream as the demented ape sinks its fangs into your neck. The idea behind this approach is to get the invisible monkey off your shoulder as quickly as you can, by any means necessary.

This may involve delegating the task to a colleague beneath you on the payscale. If that is not possible, deal with the job yourself in a way which is as quick and effortless as possible, regardless of resolution quality.

I don’t work with this manager anymore, but we remain in the same organisation. Since growing older and more experienced, I have learned that this anonymous manager is well-known for cutting corners. To his credit, he earned more money than me 17 years ago and he still does now. He must be doing something right.

Back to Yodel. Based on a number of personal encounters with their ‘service’, I think it is obvious that their employees follow the Monkey Shoulder approach to work. Great for them. Shit for customers like me.

Their latest debacle occurred yesterday, while attempting to deliver a mop to my humble home. This is not a mop of hair – think one half of that famous duo ‘mop and bucket’. I know what you’re thinking – Claire and I are forever treating ourselves to luxury items.

This is where things become hilarious. Hilarious in a sense of ‘how the hell could someone get something so simple so wrong’…

It was late morning when Claire checked the Yodel tracking tool. Apparently our mop had been delivered. Bollocks.

This felt incredibly familiar to Hermes and my missing face mask. While contemplating what our next move should be – my preference being to dress up as a highwayman and hold up the Yodel van – our doorbell rang…

A man was stood at our front door, clutching what looked very much like a mop. As he wasn’t offering to clean our house, we could only assume it was our missing delivery.

The very kind gentleman, who we later established lived around the corner, handed us the mop, explaining that a courier had entered his back garden, where he dumped the delivery.

So, as well as committing fraud by lying about making a successful delivery, the courier also trespassed onto a random property to dump a parcel they could not be bothered to deliver themselves.

As the theme song for the famous Australian soap tells us – “Everybody needs good neighbours”. With couriers leaving parcels, packages and letters wherever the feck they like, those words could not hold more truth.

I feel that I must name and shame the company responsible for subjecting their customers to Yodel. In this instance, it was George, Asda.

I do sometimes wonder why online retailers continue to use the likes of Hermes and Yodel. One would imagine that maintaining a positive reputation is pivotal to any company. Would it not make commercial sense to entrust a reliable courier firm to handle their deliveries?

Then I remembered that Fawlty Towers episode… “because he’s cheap!”

One Response to Monkey On Your Shoulder

  1. Lucy

    July 4, 2020 - 6:07 pm

    At least u got your mop and met a nice neighbour in the process.

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