I couldn’t help but notice one of the strangest television shows that I’ve come across in a long time the other day – and that is some statement, as I watch a lot of weird stuff.

Claire initially put the programme on for herself, but I found myself having no choice but to have a listen, given what I was overhearing!

Note – I say “listen” as opposed to “watch”, as it was around midnight, we were in bed preparing to sleep and my glasses were off. Even if I did want to see the depravity which was accompanying the conversations I was hearing, I wouldn’t be able to without my goggles.

I initially felt compelled to listen, when I heard a young man asking a medical professional for advice on sexual health. The conversation escalated rather quickly; progressing to a topic so utterly disgusting that I generally wretched.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here – for one thing, there was no bush involved in this sexual chat. Get this… the man was told how to LICK his partner’s ARSE HOLE!

I’ll pause momentarily, to allow you to throw up.

YOU MAY WANT ONE OF THESE IF YOU ARE TO CONTINUE READING…

This real life television show – on E4, by the way, not some dodgy Swedish import – was actually giving advice on using your tongue to make contact with another person’s anus.

Your TONGUE, which is connected to the MOUTH, where food enters the body – licking the ARSE HOLE, where SHIT exits the body!

Un-fucking-belivable! The hand hygiene freak in me was flipping out!

Dogs sniff each others bums and generally we think this is a bit gross. Dogs also lick their own bottoms. What dogs do not do, as far as I’m aware, is lick another dog’s arse – presumably this is too repulsive even for them!

The TV show which Claire was watching is called Sex Clinic. Remember the programme Embarrassing Bodies? The one where members of the public would go on national television, to ask a celebrity doctor sensitive questions, that they are too ashamed to approach their GP about. Presumably, these people had no issues with the fact millions of viewers were all watching at home, transfixed by their three penises.

Well, Sex Clinic is for those individuals with extremely private medical issues, which they are too fearful of discussing with the doctor on Embarrassing Bodies, as well as their GP.

Either that, or these people believe that by going on television and revealing how they are suffering from a serious case of genital herpes, they’ll become famous themselves and appear on Celebrity Big Brother: Series 3,293, under their new stage name, “Henry Herpes”.

The main part of the show sounded like these media whores were being tested for all manners of sexually transmitted diseases. Normally after behaving like a slut and sleeping with a dozen strangers – this is men and women, before you accuse me of sexism.

The medics* carrying out the tests normally handle the situation in a sensitive manner and are careful when revealing the results.
* I am unclear as to whether these “medics” are medically educated. For all I know, they may be no more qualified to handle such matters than Piers Morgan.

I think that the show could be greatly improved, if the results were revealed in the manner of an X Factor judge, as they tell a contestant if they have managed to get a place at Bootcamp…

MEDIC:
“I have your test results here.”
<long pause>
“We tested you for anal slugs…”
<even longer pause>
“I’m sorry, it’s not good news…”
“… you’re going to have to get to the chemist right away…”
“… and buy some condoms, as you’re going to be having a lot more sex! The results were negative!”
<cue background music – YOU RAISE ME UP, by Westlife>

That would be brilliant.

It’s not just STD tests which the programme covers. The medics give advice too. Although be it on your head if you take it…

I was surprised to hear what a very flamboyant homosexual had to say. This wasn’t the strange thing. The lad explained that he was only attracted to straight men. The reason for this was because gay guys were all too feminine and camp. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Steady on, mate. That level of stereotyping sounds very homophobic to me!

Finally, the show introduced Claire and I to something we both hadn’t heard of before. You will not be surprised to hear that we won’t be experimenting with this new “tip” ourselves.

The programme – amazingly shown on mainstream television – told its viewers all about “pegging”.

When we heard the term, I had no idea what it could be. Claire thought it involved attaching clothes pegs onto your loved one’s body.

Nope, pegging involves a woman strapping a fake willy to her body and stuffing it up her other half’s bum.

Can you see why we WON’T be doing this?

Nothing surprises me anymore and I have told Claire that I would be willing to bet money, that whatever fetish she could imagine – however horrific – it would already exist.

Not that we could ever prove my theory, as it would involve searching for the disgusting act on Google – possibly resulting in a knock on the door from PC Plod.

Who else has seen that television advert for Amazon Alexa?

Let me jog your memory…

Those of you who have already seen it on television, will have probably noticed a major difference with this version…

The woman’s American! Originally, I thought this was a dubbed version of the UK advert, but considering it appeared on YouTube almost a year old, it looks like us Brits have the edited one.

Sorry. It was the only version I could find online. Forgive me.

Accent dubbing is not what brought me to blog about this advert – or should that be ‘commercial’?

I have to take issue with a few factors…

Mother wakes up. Her daughter is outside kicking a football against the side of the house. It’s twenty to five in the bloody morning!

THIS IS NO TIME FOR A HUMAN TO BE AWAKE.

I pity their poor neighbours. They will have all been woken up in the middle of the night by some Lucy Bronze wannabe, kicking her ball against the side of the house.

The mother is just as bad. A good parent would be demanding her stroppy teenage daughter “pack it in”, stop throwing a hissy fit and come inside at once. Stop disturbing the entire street!

But no, the daft cow only turns on the garden security light, causing an illumination so bright that it can be seen from outer space.

TUT, TUT, TUT…
THAT LIGHT YOU SEE IS FROM THE SOCCER MOM’S BACK GARDEN.

I think that as viewers, we are encouraged to believe that this is a heartwarming story, of a mother’s support for her soccer-crazed daughter, trying to be the best, in a sport still dominated by nasty, sexist men… or something like that.

In her quest to help her daughter, what’s the mother going to ask Alexa to do next? Play Lose Yourself, by Eminem at full volume, just because footballers would listen to it before a match in 2004? If they don’t already, that’ll be one way to ensure the entire street hates her.

I have some annoying neighbours myself. The lady who has recently moved in next door is renovating the entire property. Given the amount of time the builders are taking and the noise generated, it would have been quicker and easier had the entire house been demolished and rebuilt.

YOU SEE WHAT I’VE GOT TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO?

Then there is the strange man down the road. I’ve mentioned him on here before. He puts his shit-filled nappies in our bin and blocks our driveway, with one of his numerous vehicles. He also has a yappy pug dog.

Despite living in such close proximity to these undesirable individuals, it is far preferable to that of being a neighbour of this ‘soccer mom’ and her teenage brat.

NOBODY LIKES A DIVA!

I think we can all agree that the daughter is a moody moo. Fancy returning home, ignoring your family and slamming doors.

Although totally unacceptable from the girl, most of the blame for her ill-behaviour should fall at the feet of the mother. The woman is so lazy. She can’t even be bothered to look at the clock to check the time – instead, opting to ask a machine.

It’s no surprise to me that the girl had to attend football practice on her own. Amazon are yet to develop a version of Alexa, capable of accompanying children to sporting events and there was little chance of this bone-idle parent getting off her arse and making the effort.

To conclude, I think we can all agree that if you own an Alexa device, it makes you an inconsiderate neighbour and a pretty bad parent.

Wow. It’s not like the Express to create a harrowing news story from nothing.

To save you the time in searching for and reading this article – something I like to believe is beneath followers of my blog* – I’ll let you know the source of the headline… Twitter.

* I only checked the Express website in order to carry out research for my own.

A journalist was paid (presumably) good money, to write about a few tweets from viewers, claiming how graphic and violent the ITV drama was.

Oh, and yes, I do see the irony of me writing about something somebody wrote about something somebody else wrote.

This is a TV series based upon the real life story of a man who slaughtered his entire family. What were these tweeters expecting? Last of the Summer Wine?

Giving the subject matter, I would be concerned if anyone found Wednesday night’s episode amusing. If some viewers were left disturbed, surely that means the cast and crew behind the series did a good job!

If it’s good old fashioned, wholesome primetime television they’re after, I would reccomend Netflix. I’m sure they can watch The Waltons or some other warm and cosy treat, making them truly believe that bad things don’t happen and we live in a fluffy world.