Oh my God! The last two hours have been hell! The fire alarm system in my flat developed a fault, causing a siren which sounded like it was the end of the world, to be emitted throughout the whole block of flats.

I reset the system, only for it to start wailing again moments later. After much swearing, praying and crying, I gave up and called my landlord. No answer. I called the local fire department. No answer. I called another fire department. They answered. I was relived that they actually gave a damn, and even questioned why I didn’t dial 999. I explained it wasn’t an emergency and I didn’t want to waste their time, but they said it would have been OK (interesting to know – next time I see a spider in my flat, I know who to call).

Shortly after making the call, a fire engine pulled up outside, equipped with flashing blue lights. In stormed five burley fire officers. They were just as confused as I was about the problem, and despite ripping apart a fire sensor in the bedroom, were unable to fix the fault. One of the officers did make me laugh when he suggested I visit the “hottie upstairs” who was throwing an all-female party. I must admit, I was extremely tempted.

After further ringing and texting, my landlord eventually answered, and after more swearing, praying and crying, she came round and disabled the alarm. My neighbour questioned the legality of deactivating such a system, but was told that they are not obliged to provide a fire alarm service – something I somewhat disagree with. Anyway, all is now silent (despite a constant ringing in my ears). The alarm won’t be fixed until Monday, so if you are an arsonist, please don’t burn my flat until next week. Thank you.