Two years ago, I started to collect World Cup 2014 stickers. After spending lots of time and far too much money, I completed the collection. I owed never to do it again.
However, I accidentally managed to get hold of this today. Bye bye, money. Bye bye, life.
Considering my laziness in failing to update my blog until yesterday, today’s rant is pretty ironic, as it concerns system updates and how they really grind my gears.
Yesterday’s blog about the fun-goings-on, which have taken place on my street recently, nearly didn’t happen. Please picture the scene. I was sat on the sofa, happily typing away on my laptop when everything ground to a halt. Microsoft Word stopped working and the laptop made a noise as if it was about to take off into outer-space.
I am not a man to be beaten, and knowing that the shit piece of Office software Bill Gates had put together was throwing a tantrum, I opened up Notepad to write the remainder of my story. OK, it doesn’t come with a spelling and grammar checker, but when has I evar neded one of they?
The reason for my laptop going on strike, was because one of those automatic Windows updates was being applied. Not just a little one, mind. No, this was one hefty, mother fucker of an update. It seemed to go on and on for hours, while the first half of my blog, which I had written in Word, remained on screen frozen. Luckily, I am not stupid and frequently save my work, so there was no fear of relying upon Microsoft’s auto-recover feature and losing all the blood, sweat and tears I had shed earlier.
The updates were eventually installed and the laptop rebooted – twice – to allow them to be configured. Why didn’t Microsoft tell me about this? OK, it is kind of my fault for having to auto-updates turned on. If I don’t, I’ll forget about them for about 5 years, only remembering I should really update when I see a scare on the news about how some kid in Australia is hacking everyone and stealing their Nandos loyalty points. What I do object to is one huge dump of an update being put onto my computer and preventing it from functioning, without telling me. It’s like going to the dentist for a routine check-up. He spots a problem, neglects to inform you, but carries on with the procedure anyway, and removes all your teeth, tongue and tonsils. Do dentists remove tonsils? Probably.
I am sure Bill Gates is a regular reader of my blog. After all, since stepping down as head of Microsoft, he’s bound to have more time on his hands. So, Billy – please tell your boffins in Microsoft Towers, that I would like to be warned before you shit on my laptop next time. Thanks.
It was my birthday yesterday. Yes, it was! Why don’t you all stop reading this blog for one minute to sing me ‘Happy Birthday’ or send me a belated card and cheque. I’ll give you five minutes for that…
Done? Oh good. Thanks in advance for the cheque. I made it easy for my loved ones to buy my present this year, by dropping countless numbers of hints that I would like Amazon vouchers, to enable me to purchase the Wii U console. I’m aware that this machine has been out for 2 years now, but it’s only been recently that any games that took my interest were released – namely Donkey Kong and the latest addition to the Mario Kart series.
I ordered the Wii on my birthday, paying extra for next day delivery. I waited in all day today, getting up very early, as I just knew if I slept in, the courier would attempt to deliver it, I would not be downstairs in 10 seconds, resulting in him either throwing my parcel over the garden wall or taking it back to the depot – probably in Hull.
I got up and waited. I had my breakfast. I waited a bit more. I watched 4 episodes of Keeping Up Appearances. I waited again. I ate lunch. I continued to wait. I was tempted to go to the toilet for a poo, as you can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt, that when you are mid-shit, the doorbell will go, resulting in you having to quickly pull your trousers up and run down the stairs, with a turtle head hanging between your buttocks and pants. I didn’t go to the toilet. I continued to wait, until shortly after 4pm, when a white van appeared outside. Out of the van appeared a man with a box, which he brought to the door. I had to scribble something onto his iPhone with my finger. Presumably this is an alternative to a signature these days. I put a crude S and K – my initials. It probably looked like a snake and a big ‘X’ kiss.
The Wii U was unboxed and assembled with ease. I didn’t even need to read the instructions. Then the problems started. After going through about a thousand configuration settings, the console wanted to connect to the internet, so it could perform a system update. I was given no choice, so allowed it to do so. Why do these modern consoles need so many updates? The SNES didn’t need any. The only thing you had to do with SNES games was blow into the underside of the cartridge a few times before playing it. You accepted that as it was part of the course. Over an hour it took to download and install whatever updates it needed. In which time I had a ride on my exercise bike, did the washing up, went for my poo and drank probably a pint of Coca Cola, before going back to the toilet to piss it all out.
Finally the Wii U updated itself! I was happy. Happy until I put the Mario Kart 8 disc into the machine and was told that the game wanted to be updated as well. It was at that point I got a hammer and smashed the Wii U into a million pieces.
I understand BT caused a bit of mayhem on the internet today. I bet the obnoxious and very annoying students won’t mention it on the BT TV ads.
640 stickers later, after 55 days, spending a stupid amount of money, I have now completed the 2014 FIFA World Cup Brasil sticker album!
When I arrived home yesterday evening, I found this waiting for me on my doorstep.
The Panini branded international envelope with its unevenly weighted contents could mean only one thing – the remaining 24 stickers for my World Cup 2014 album had arrived! I had a brief moment of extreme elation. the kind you would feel if you found a scratch card on the floor, with a £100,000 prize. I eventually calmed down, coming to the realisation that I hadn’t won the lottery and just received a letter containing my precious stickers.
Before I started sticking, I had things to do. It was bin day in the morning. I went into the garden, picked up the recycling, walked to the front of the house, ensuring I avoided the cat shit on the lawn. I then got the bin bags, walked to the front of the house, again, taking care to avoid the cat shit on the lawn. It was then off to the kitchen to do the washing up, before texting Claire, who was still at work, to tell her that I loved her and what a good future husband I was for doing all that housework. I then showered.
All clean, in my jammies and smelling of Lynx, it was time to get sticking! I tweeted Sam, a fellow collector, to inform him of my good news, before carefully opening the envelope and sticking the glossy bits of paper into the album. All the big name players were there – Nigel de Jong, Victor Moses and El Arbi Soudani.
As I stuck more and more into the album, something didn’t feel right. Something was wrong. Worried, and sensing a build-up of peril, I checked my stickers. Two were missing! Numbers 112 and 269. That’s right – they had only left Gerard Piqué and Egidio Arévalo Ríos behind! Instead I had been sent pissing Sergio Ramos and HALF of the Pantanal Arena (ironically, a stadium where a construction worker was killed last week).
I was mad. Somebody had stitched me up. It was like I had won the lottery, only for Jeremy fuckin’ Beadle to come out of a cupboard and tell me it was all a joke. Well I’m not laughing, Panini. I’m not laughing one bit!
What was I going to do? I did what every British man does when they’re angry. I wrote a letter. Except I’m in the 21st century, so I emailed them.
I’m still mad. If there is any justice in the world, Italy, the country where Panini are based, will lose 10-0 to England, scoring 9 own goals and allowing goalkeeper Joe Hart to get the other, before crashing out of the World Cup.
On this website, you’ll find me blogging (almost) daily about everyday life, living in Bath, working with computers, and the occasional bit of football stuff thrown in.
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